taipei 101: the physical structure and the metaphysical art of living in taiwan.

"rules were made to be broken."
or so the saying goes.

i've been here 3 days, and i already feel that i couldn't possibly sum up all that has happened to me. in my first 24 hours, i was introduced to my school, went through what felt like weeks of training in mere hours, and found an apartment. i've ridden on the back of a motor scooter and gone to the top of the tallest building in the world. i've eaten shrimp whole, learned minimal chinese, and realized that i pretty much don't know anything. remember that time i worked at starbucks and actually knew what i was doing?

people don't live by rules here. they have guidelines, and the rest is up to you. unless you're eating in the mrt. then there are rules. they sort of follow the traffic lights and sort of park in designated places. pedestrians sort of have the right-of-way and people sort of work the usual hours.

people here are accommodating and exceptionally kind. today, while "getting lost" on the mrt, i talked to a half dozen 16 year olds. they wanted to know all about me: where i was from, why i was in taipei, where i lived, where i worked, whether or not i liked the city... they giggled at my broken chinese and oohed and ahhed at my clothes and nose piercing. the older people around us just smiled. i disembarked the train with a chorus of "goodbyes" following me. though i barely understand anyone or anything around me, they have the keen ability of making me feel like i'm home.

the city just feels grungy, all day, every day. it's a combination of the poor air quality, the oppressive humidity, the constant odor of something burning, and the generally dirty streets. it's not grungy like "trash" grungy. stores are clean, i've yet to get food poisoning, and people are well-groomed. it's as if there simply isn't enough time or space to hose down the sidewalks or send a street sweeper through.

i feel very conspicuous all the time. i feel like i'm constantly being watched, not in a menacing way, but in a curious way. no matter how confident i look as i walk down the streets or how much chinese i might learn, i've realized that i will always stand out as a foreigner. the last time i felt this naked in public was on the buses of new cross gate and peckham rye. they all looked at me as if that simply wasn't my part of london, and during those times, part of me felt like they were right. children stare... they're fascinated by everything about me. older people smile at me politely, but always in such a way that reflects they they know, absolutely, that i have no idea what i'm doing.

i think that when i went to london, i just wasn't ready. looking back, i appreciate that time, but i feel that maybe i was just too young. it was a combination of things... being away from jeff, undertaking 6 months instead of 3, feeling pressured to go out, and being moderately afraid. i feel that one year would have made a huge difference. it took almost half the time i was there for me to truly enjoy the experience. though i understand nobody and nothing here, i feel so ready to be here. i'm fine with sitting quietly by myself, with being consumed with work by day, eating a quiet dinner, exploring, reading up on the city, shopping at the local markets. it's like a scavenger hunt to see if i can find the place that has what i'm looking for. i'm less afraid, less pressured, more flexible. i look forward to what the year brings, and am excited for further adventures.

for your viewing pleasure:
<--- taipei 101
<---- taipei (aka home) <---- me atop taipei 101 <---- chiang kai-shek memorial

it's 11:21

"logic is the art of going wrong with confidence."
or so the saying goes.

and i'm seriously going on 19 hours of alertness/coherence. i'd go to sleep, but i'm afraid i'll wake up without my shit.

now, good travelers, you would think that the los angeles airport would be semi-dead at this hour. after all, it is a tuesday night and it is nearly midnight. but oh no. in actuality, my friends, it is its own private hell. it's hot, it's stuffy, it's loud, and i am squished into a tiny corner of the airport because, high five(!), i managed to find an open outlet. also, because i couldn't find an open seat next to my gate. we don't board for another hour and a half, so i thought i'd make the most of the money i spent on t-mobile access earlier today.

and i'm mildly amused watching people run to make their flights. you'd be surprised that some can move as fast as they do. also, one would think that it's logical that, if gates are numbered 101-123, 101 would be first. nay, my friends. 101 is on the other side of the terminal, and 123 is the most accessible gate. i hate you, lax.

long gone are the days of sitting in dead silence as i wait for my ryanair/easyjet flight to board.

the panic attacks have subsided for the time being.






on a serious note, i want to ask you all for some prayer. i found out today that my mom's best friend has pancreatic cancer. while she is a believer, it pains us all to see her this way. she's a lovely person... one of my favorite people, in fact. and while we all know the Lord is in control, my heart breaks for her family and for my mother. this is bad, you guys. please be in prayer for her. while this situation seems dire, we are trying to keep in mind that God works outside of time and space. in his infinitude and grace, i am reminded that nothing is impossible and nothing is beyond Him. nothing. not even cancer.

you don't bring me flowers anymore.

"what is a friend? a single soul dwelling in two bodies."
or so the saying goes.

wow, i really hate that song. and yet, tragically, i have it stuck in my head and am now immortalizing it on cyberspace, potentially to complete strangers or people who might have weird fetishes with that song. oh, mental image... abort, abort, abort. why it is in my head, one can only speculate. all day, it has been filled with good-slash-healthy music like mason jennings, u2, and ella fitzgerald, only to revert to this during my bimonthly blog post. my neglected blog is indeed a scarce glimpse into the many, many voices in my head, and it's unfortunate - nay - catastrophic that these are the voices with which my readers(?) are left. perhaps i'm doing this because of the many years of growing up on barbara streisand and neil diamond. oh, young joy, why didn't anybody rescue you then? such a funny and unpredictable place, this world. nevertheless, i can't help but think that this does, perhaps, explain a lot. in addition, it may actually be the reason for my current singleness. yikes.

moving on.

for those who have never heard this song before, it is, more or less, about saying goodbye. that's the short version, anyway. i think it's in my head because the past month has been a process of closing a huge chapter of my life. in the past 37 days, i have: accepted/been accepted to a job, gone through commencement at chapman, said a very painful goodbye to my best friend, driven to the taiwanese consulate in santa monica not once, not twice, but THREE times to get my visa, quit my job, moved out of my house, had a garage sale, given away my furniture, sold my car, given away 1/3 of my wardrobe, gotten 4 separate vaccinations (also, i waited 3 hours for typhoid... which was oral, by the way... and took a total of 10 seconds to explain), gone to the dentist and had a tooth drilled and filled (also my first experience with novocaine, and it's not an attractive look for me), attempted to understand a little mandarin, said goodbye to my friends, researched and bought a plane ticket, done the father's day thing, celebrated my mom's birthday, cleared out every cabinet in the kitchen, and donated nearly 75 lbs of food. in all, it's been a long/short month. also, i'm baffled as to how i managed to pack for england before. it was so much harder this time. i'm a bit tired.

last saturday, a.c. threw me a going away soiree at la casita de limon. i'm so grateful that he did it for me, because i wanted closure on my college years, but severely lacked the energy to do it myself. i'd resolved to only spend time with those who called and wanted to see me. when he offered to organize this for me, he stressed the importance of support, and told me that he wanted to give everyone a chance to express that they're behind me in my decision. it was so encouraging to see my friends and to know that they would miss me. it made me more excited about moving on, though i am sorry that i won't see him and kirsten get married this fall. it was lovely to see people from my various years of school, and made me further appreciate the impact they have all had on my life. it was unique, too, for me to see a range from those i've known since the day i got to chapman to those i've only known since i graduated in january. they shared their favorite stories about me, re-told the truck story all over again, and passed pictures around. chapman was a truly extraordinary time in my life and introduced me to unwaveringly supportive friends. we've had our rough patches, but they have come through in even the most difficult and unexpected ways. in my most cynical moments, they have managed to slowly restore the hopelessly broken pieces of my heart. saturday was just another affirmation of how blessed i am.

not gonna lie, chapman, i had a few hard years in there. but i firmly believe that these were the best, most constructive years of my life. i've slowly overcome my darkest fears - my overwhelming and almost insatiable fear of being alone. my fear of what others might think. my fear of alienating people. my crippling acceptance of who others tell me i am or who i should be. and the shattered pieces of my heart that have been produced by unhealthy relationships or the many, many mistakes i've made have become insignificant, the proverbial pieces of dry and dead skin i've shed. i've stopped trying to reattach it and am learning to embrace the new, albeit different and uncomfortable skin underneath.




my flight leaves tonight. i think i'm ready.

for the love of karen

"to love another person is to see the face of God."
or so the saying goes.

ah, television. a medium with so much drivel to wade through, though i suppose it's no different than film. or art. or music. or literature.

can i admit right now that i miss alias? yes, i loved victor garber as jack bristow and ron rifkin as arvin sloane. i said it, okay?! character evolution... imagine that!

while i could do without the box in my living room, there are two shows i watch regularly.
lost.
and the office.

lost. oh, there's so much to say about you, lost. your writers are just so good, and i love them for it, but they are, undoubtedly, the biggest bastards in the world. without qualms, they kill off all our favorite characters. your writers even dangle it in front of us, your faithful viewers, for weeks on end, yet we feel violated when they actually follow through. what kind of twisted individuals could kill charlie? your writers, that's who. we know it had to happen, because you've been leading up to it for months, but it still seemed so unfair. you never cease to surprise me, lost, with your intricate plots and your complicated characters. and if that weren't enough, you make me wonderfully uncomfortable with how unflinchingly you examine the darkest aspects of being finite and mortal. you openly and regularly extend the assumed boundaries of time and space and the spiritual realm and reality and the divine and psychology and what we want and what can/can't be and miracles and a higher being and social constructs. your writers know that these are the boundaries we assume because, without them, we fear that we might not even be functional. so they expand and contract them, and we all know that, deep down, this disturbs us. thank you, lost, for being willing to explore these things, because the world hides from them too often.

but this blog isn't even about lost. it's about the office. thanks to mary beth, i am obsessed. i've seen all the episodes, and am constantly amazed by its exceptional cleverness.

like any faithful office viewer, i am rooting for pam and jim. we all know that they belong together, and we detest karen and roy for getting in the way of destiny.

but as i've watched, i think something needs to be said in defense of karen. though i know it's my proper place to advocate jim and pam, i can't help but feel a bit sorry for karen. i mean, she's not a bad person or anything. she doesn't treat jim poorly as roy did to pam. unlike roy and pam, she and jim have a lot in common, and though she has reason to get a little crazy at times, she keeps her cool. anything that she's ever been uncomfortable with is within reason. anyone would feel a little disconcerted if they found out that their boyfriend had a thing with a co-worker and had never mentioned it before. or how about... he ran away because he got his heart broken by the receptionist. what??

but i've gotta say that, above all, i think that maybe i simply feel for karen because i see some of myself in her.
for example

or

or


she's got spunk, that karen. she's competitive. she tries to say it like she means it. she's awkward. she's intelligent. she's understanding. really, i like karen. the only reason she's screwed is because she doesn't know enough about what's really going on. i've been told over and over again that you can't do anything about how a guy feels about you. either he likes you or he doesn't, and it doesn't matter how hard you try. or maybe he really does like you, but not as much as somebody else. i really believe jim likes karen. but she's not pam.
it's nothing you did, karen. there's nothing wrong with you. really, really. honestly, the reason jim went back to pam isn't about you. it's just... well... you're just not pam. you can't say or do or try or fix or want or give anything to make him change his mind. it really is that simple.

i don't know how it happens, how some women are karens and others are pams. there's nothing wrong with either type of person. though office fans everywhere are rooting for pam, i must step up and say that we karens are perfectly fine... we're smart, pretty, compassionate... but we just can't seem to get the guy to see us instead of the pams. we wander around the dating pool, confused because, by all accounts, we haven't done anything wrong. in the vastness of it all, most would agree that we're a decent catch. we're cool. we're good friends. we get along with guys. getting their attention isn't the problem. and when asked, the jims of the world can't explain why the karens aren't quite right. and as a member of the karen variety, i will say that it's frustrating not to understand what's wrong, when really, really, really... we try so hard.

as season 4 comes around, i propose that we cut karen some slack. being dropped for no apparent reason, for no tangible, definable characteristic, isn't easy. watching the pams defeat us time and again, and not knowing what they have that we don't is difficult.

karens, here's to perseverance.