i am slipping through

26.2 miles OR how biology failed me terribly

2011-05-10T05:14:00.000-07:00

this past weekend, i had the opportunity to take part in something i've never done before and may never do again, depending on whether or not madness descends the way it did this past winter: the marathon. despite having trained diligently for about 6 months, i had a lot of doubts about my ability to finish this thing. i mean, i'd never actually run that far before, though theoretically speaking, if you can run 20 miles twice, 18.5 miles once, 15 miles 3 times, and 10 miles 5 times, you should be able to finish this thing. for months, i followed my training program, even whilst ill and for a few weeks with a nagging pain in my rib cage. rain, snow, sun, in france, and sometimes with a hangover, i still went out and did my long runs every weekend.

so when i woke up on sunday morning to make it to my race, i was a whirlwind of indescribable emotions, the most prevalent being overwhelming regret. what was i thinking, for fuck's sake? how mad was i, really? i liken it to that ridiculous scene in "anchorman" when will ferrell jumps into the bear pit, looks around, and exhales "i... immediately regret this decision."

all those feeling aside, nothing quite compares to the energy of running with 8,000 other people, particularly at the beginning of the race. it's absolutely palpable, the anticipation. and being in the back, there are no sideways glances or traces of that desire to crush the competition. we all actually know that are only adversary is ourselves, so we smile, and think about the task ahead.

in the course of this endeavor, i learned a few interesting things. the first is that i'm actually awesome at the 10k and the half marathon. no joke... i didn't walk other than through the refreshment stations, which the guides actually suggest. it's better to slow down and take in your food and water, as you'll only be losing a few seconds by having something, as opposed to crashing altogether. my 10k clocked in at under and hour and my half at just over two hours.

then something... let's call it "ironic"... happened to me. my knee gave out around 23km. i don't really know what i did to it, but it's definitely a mess. i blame the 5km of cobblestones we're forced to run on in the first 13km. regardless, this is significant for a few reasons. the first one is 10 years of soccer without a single knee injury. my ankles were a mess, but i never threw out my knee. the second is that i've been training for 6 months and in all that time, my hips bore the brunt of the pain. and thirdly, this incident chose the super-convenient time of right-in-the-middle-of-the-race to happen.

so there i was, 17km to go, knee fucked to hell, and a weird pain slowly flowing down my shin. awesome, shin splints, yay! true story, this was one of those weird situations in which is was really painful to run, but almost equally painful to walk. so i kept on. oh, there's a medic! i thought. maybe i should stop. but my mind raced through all the possible outcomes of this choice. mostly, that they would tell me that it was screwed and that i had to stop running to prevent further injury. i can't blame them, really. it's their job to tell me how not to hurt myself, and you really can't argue with the logic. "6 months down the drain, 6 months down the drain..." kept running through my mind. no, i couldn't stop. well, maybe just to stretch myself out to see if it would help. so i did, and tried a lot of different stretches, to no relief. it was a tendon or something like that... and stretching wasn't going to fix it. i only regretted sitting down because it made it so much harder to get up. kilometer 29... only 13 more to go.

around 32km, i saw my sweetie and my supportive roommate who made it out to old town to cheer me on. i sort of curse that he got pictures of me in that particular state.

the rest is all a blur, except that i remember feeling a bit deflated as i watched some guys run by pushing a jogger with someone who had a physical deformity... i'm sure they were all running for charity, and seriously, good for them, but i have to admit that it was difficult to know that they were running faster AND pushing something. 15 minutes later, i watched the 5:00 guy go by. this was discouraging only because i felt worried about how much longer this was going to last. nevertheless, i did manage to finish in under 5 hours, after my last push around 5km to go. i guess i just kept reminding myself of how many times i've run that distance before, and that it would all be over in less than a half hour. i ran that last stretch, my left knee throbbing and my brain frantically suppressing the multiple wishful thoughts of death crossing it with every step.

so where does that leave me? well, i've learned a few things. firstly, that i think that my shoes might be slightly too small, as all my toenails are now purple. secondly, that i think the future holds more half-marathons and 10k's, but only after my knee heals. and oh yes, the knee. i think what i did to it is probably a mystery, but most might find it amusing that i walk something like this:

except less un-dead, i guess.

ah, who am i kidding? i haven't learned anything. i'll probably do it again, just give me 5 years.

resolutions 2011

2011-01-15T10:34:00.000-08:00

i should probably add "being prompt" to the list, since this is 2 weeks after the start of the new year.

1. move to france/get out of prague

(though to be honest, it's french bureaucracy that's going to be the biggest challenge in this endeavor, and it's not prague's fault that i'm still here)

2. put this on my body

sorry, mom

3. run (and finish) the prague international marathon

let's start with these things and see where this year goes.

my day job is being awesome

2010-12-18T11:58:00.000-08:00

and teaching kids. and really, you need to focus on the awesome as much as possible, or you might throw yourself in front of a train.

hanadi, me, and tereza, after our christmas program. hana teaches the butterflies (ages 3-4), tereza teaches the bunnies (2-3), and i have the lions (4-6) and the afternoon club (grade school).

also, i taught my kids "feliz navidad," and they were all about it. like you wouldn't believe. i'll have to remember that.

because it's christmas and at christmas you tell the truth...

2010-12-15T13:42:00.001-08:00

i started watching love actually again, whilst eating sweets and lying under blankets because it's -10 outside. makes me feel better about not going home for christmas. and i remembered this guy:

because i love this scene. but more importantly, because he's the same as this guy:

what?
yes. i am right.

he holds signs declaring unrequited love and fights zombies in an unparalleled display of bad-assery. the only downside to all this is that the walking dead, which is the best new show i've seen this season, just had its season finale. now what is going to force me to irrationally turn on lights when i enter rooms?

so winter is going all right, i guess.

i haven't had anything to say...

2010-11-01T14:05:00.000-07:00

because mainly, i don't think there are enough words to describe both how content i am and how much my heart aches for something bigger. so i will leave you with pictures. really, the best thing for those of us who feel like we've run out of words.

frenchman FTW!

2010-02-24T06:59:00.000-08:00

i will admit something. this is the first year i probably didn't understand the point of valentine's day. my reasons are three-fold. firstly: you'd be really hard-pressed to find a day that xav and i don't see each other. secondly: i'm pretty sure the concept of going out and celebrating has another name for us -- it's called "weekend." and thirdly: i'll take this happy, functional relationship with no valentine's over a mediocre relationship that hinges on valentine's day to make up for what we lack the other 364 days of the year any day.

as for the photo, well, that was my gift. you latch it to a specific fence -- in this case, one very close to the charles bridge in prague, and it's supposed to mean you'll be together always. sort of like what marriage means, only not.

savvy? good.

side note: it is 3 degrees outside, and i am beside myself with glee. damn you, prague.

home (not) in my range

2010-02-07T00:40:00.000-08:00

the idea of a move to the usa came up this weekend, among other things including paris, montreal, and shanghai. it's a long story. but i will tell you the truth, my friends - i did the math and that is, by far, the most expensive option.

what are we

2010-01-25T02:50:00.000-08:00

if we're not in love?
-jon foreman

nothing changes.

2010-01-20T05:30:00.000-08:00

no, really, apart from my trip home, of which i really should post photos but am much too lazy, nothing has changed.

still the last person standing at caledonian at 21:05 every night of the week. my schedule has been completely bizarre this semester, starting quite early in the morning and ending when it's almost too late for me to remember how to speak english anymore, and it's all in three-hour clusters, which is nice because i'm not going anywhere, but really, extremely tiring. many of my students told me that they've requested me for next semester. yes, i'll admit, i'm to the brim with glee when i hear it, but there is a small voice that says "son of a bitch!" because i'd really just like a change in hours.

lately, walking to work is sort of like walking through a multi-kilometer-wide cup of this:

...except the slurpee has never destroyed my shoes.

and i know that there a lot of complicated things in the world, but i honestly believe that few of them compare to process of obtaining a french visa which allows a person to work when he/she isn't married to a french person. it's going to be prague for a while, kids.

i would like to extend to you an invitation to the pie party. you know. the party. with the pies.

2009-11-29T14:47:00.001-08:00

people who have known me long enough could probably tell you that one of the things i've always wanted most is to be a mom. no idea why, but the urge is in there and i've never been able to ignore it. unfortunately, i have a penchant for travel, i'm always late, and i can't cook.

however, this weekend, i learned that despite my abysmal skills in the kitchen, the insane side of me will still decide to casually ignore my incompetence and will invite people over for home-made pie. did i know anything about making home-made pie? no. did i panic a tiny bit when i went to the market and all they had left was one tiny can of pumpkin? absolutely. but, these european fools don't have pumpkin pie here, and we all know that november isn't november without it. so i was on a quest. nay, a mission. to serve them one of the best parts of american cuisine.

so you know what i did? i baked a pumpkin pie from a real wedge of pumpkin. NO LIE. then apple pie from real apples. i may be lost when it comes to planning meals, but i am damn resourceful when wielding flour, sugar, and fruit. so if and when i eventually find myself in motherhood, well, at least i'll have this.

btw, my pie party was a success, partially due to my baking, though wine made a sizable contribution, as did my friend lisa. same time, next year.

red cups, red cups all around.

2009-11-07T10:58:00.000-08:00

oh dear lord, the toffee nut latte is back. now i think i miss america a tiny bit less.

turns out...

2009-11-01T06:19:00.000-08:00

my immense hatred of british airways is eclipsed by my even more immense hatred of easyjet's baggage policies. after they charged me nearly $100us in excess luggage, and THEN made me condense everything into ONE bag last spring, i avoid them.

i'm coming home, which is no small task considering how complicated it is to design a route coming in and out of london. i'll do almost anything to pick up those frequent flyer miles with v-a, and even more than that to avoid flying through the level of hell known as chicago in december/january. i am not a fan of this whole "no direct flights from lax to prague" business... someone should rectify that.

i am, however, so excited to see my family again. i'm still not sure if/when i'll be moving back to the usa, but it's been too long since i've been home. i get questions like:
"when are you coming back?"
"are you coming to visit soon?"
"what are your plans?"
"so next time you come home... are you staying?"
the thing is, i started, ever-so-vaguely, to make plans for coming back. it's true -- i thought maybe it was time for me to buckle down, select a career, and perhaps consider living in only one place for a while.

plans change. actually, i hate to use the word "change" because they aren't entirely different. just diverted, or rearranged to fit possible new plans. i once wrote that i don't take a major leap of faith unless i have a small semblance of a guarantee. not that everything will go as i hope or expect, but just that i know i wouldn't be all alone.

i suppose there's plenty of time, but i can feel the breaths coming and going, and me considering just how deep it's going to be in the end. the time might be coming to jump off the highest dive yet.
"do you think you could ever sit still? and not just for a year, but for five, ten, maybe fifteen?" the answer is always the same: if i found a reason, i could. i just need to be given a reason.

ah, but i hate to get ahead of myself.
so for now, i'll just start learning french.

i may be naive, but...

2009-10-19T06:33:00.000-07:00

i'm quite offended by this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3LnIDwx9M_s

look, i appreciate sarcasm as much as the next person. no, i probably appreciate it more than most people. and i'm not particularly traditional, but there are some conservative family values i strongly believe in, and marriage is one of them. i know divorce rates are high and these days, and it seems that there's little reason to believe that marriage even has a chance anymore. but it really pains me to see such a cynical view -- such a perspective that sacrifice and commitment means a surrender to lifelong unhappiness.

doesn't anybody believe in the duty behind marriage anymore? doesn't anybody see their spouse as a partner rather than as something that simply weighs them down and holds them back?

hell? a snotty tissue? spousal abuse?
disgusting.

the last 40 days or so.

2009-10-12T05:22:00.000-07:00

despite being incredibly busy lately, some interesting changes have transpired in my life. i could name some courses or some students or my new living situation and companions or the departure of the a-team or some new friends or even a short but significant holiday to describe a few ways in which things happen fast, but the truth is, i'm not referring to these things at all.

change is good, and i'm thinking it might be time to share the most important development in my life.
i won't name names, but...

AND he speaks french. but that would be because he is.

i know, right?

24.

2009-09-30T06:22:00.000-07:00

since it's tradition for me to find a song and post a corresponding blog each time it's my birthday, i suppose this year should be no exception. thankfully, this year, i didn't have to think too hard about it. the most appropriate song, unimaginative though it is to say this, is switchfoot's "twenty-four."

the thing is, this year, i had a birthday party with some good friends, a fantastic boyfriend, flatmates that i'm happy to be living with, enough money to get me through the night, mexican food, in prague, and not dreaming about how different my life could or will be once i make the necessary changes. i'm happy with my life and am pleased that all my choices, good and bad, have led me here.

i am far more fortunate than most.

my holiday...

2009-09-13T12:22:00.000-07:00

and then i realized

2009-08-09T21:48:00.001-07:00

this, as with law school, or 11 time zones, or fear, or timing, or film, or mormonism, or just knowing too many people, or all the things that were supposedly but not really wrong with me...

well, this is about right.

because it's always always always always something.

not gonna lie, i'm frustrated with "this." and wondering when God is gonna finally relieve me of this.

tramspotting theories no. 3 and 4

2009-08-06T10:28:00.000-07:00

(of, like, dozens)

how long the tram waits at i.p. pavlova in the morning is directly proportionate to how many minutes you're already late.

how many minutes it takes for the next tram you have to catch to come is equal to how many swear-words you've just invented in your own head.

krakow is like prague on acid. no, on speed. no. on steroids.

2009-07-28T14:36:00.000-07:00

so this past weekend involved a whole lot of time on trains. 15 hours, to be precise. for a reason i truly can't explain, i felt suddenly inspired to spend my weekend, complete with a bonus friday, in the land of my people. some of them, anyway.

krakow is quite beautiful and i'd recommend a trip there to anyone. and a special surprise (for me, anyway) was how similar polish is to czech. shockingly, my horrendous czech vocabulary and incomprehensible pronunciation went a long way there. prosim? yes. prosim, bitches.

the weird part, though, is that it also felt a bit like i'd never left prague. in essence, krakow is the same place i've been living in for 6 months. allow me to demonstrate:

let's start with the centerpiece.

awww... look at that! krakow how a charming old town square with a statue of an obscure polish politician/activist/monarch that i couldn't identify for you. and it's dotted with little restaurants serving perogies and cheap beer.

wait... what's this?! an old town square with a statue representing an obscure political situation, surrounded by pubs and restaurants serving typical czech fare... gulas and whatnot! amazing!

onto the second landmark...

wow, that's so unique. a church with two steeples right in old town! how beautiful! how quaint! makes me feel like i'm in an eastern european time warp.

hmmm.... that's weird. a church with two steeples. where have i seen that before?

number three...

hi clock tower.

oh snap. clock tower.

and of course...

large medieval castle with church perched on a hill!

wait a minute...

what krakow did have that sets it apart from everywhere else i've been, however, is something very sad and about which i will not make poorly-timed, inappropriate jokes. i'm actually not a crier, but i choked up a few times on this part of the trip... my day trip to auschwitz.

there are many reasons why i'm not posting much about this. i suppose i realize that i don't even possess the vocabulary or verbal prowess to do it justice. and i don't have many photographs as, out of respect for those who suffered, we were asked not to take pictures in most of the exhibits. but i would like to share a few things that i saw.

first, the camp itself is divided into three sections... auschwitz i, birkinau, and monowitz. monowitz was completely destroyed as the soviet army came marching through during the liberation. the most dreadful parts of birkinau were also destroyed, along with the "canada" barracks -- where they kept everyone's possessions. and auschwitz i is still standing and relatively well-preserved. they've put exhibits in most of the barracks, and of course, the grounds are disarmingly well-maintained.

we began with this building here. i can honestly say i was expecting them to start us a little slow, but felt blindsided when we stood under a vent when we got inside and were told that that's where they dropped in the gas. 200 people at a time fit in there. shock value inexplicable. actually, this was one of the few chambers and crematoria left. the others had been destroyed, and were considerably bigger.

the vast majority of the exhibits were photographs. we saw maps of the prisoners, mug shots, models of the camp, photographs of the malnutrition that people had suffered taken after the liberation, heart-breaking stories about children, families, and women. they also had several photographs of the bastards that did all this. for me, the most startling was a picture taken while they were doing the "selection" process. only about 25% were chosen as fit to work, and the rest were sent immediately to the gas chamber. most of the chosen ones were young men, and the women and children who were spared were subjected to cruel, painful sterilization and developmental experiments. in one of the photographs, there is a small line of elderly people with canes arriving at the camp. you can clearly see the man who was doing the selection process... and with each person, he would point towards the barracks or give a thumbs-up direction to the crematoria. you can't see his hand very clearly because of the quality of the photograph, but if you look below him, you can see that he's casting a shadow. and the shadow shows quite clearly where he's pointing. haunting. side note... he was recognized by his son years later upon visiting the exhibit. his son had known that he had been part of the war, but not that part. hard to imagine how shocking that was.

among the other things we saw were horrible electric fences, rooms for punishment (as if it could get worse) and the walls in front of which they conducted executions. terrible, horrifying, frightening -- all of it.

they also had on display many of the possessions they'd managed to preserve after the liberation. too many things to talk about, the most devastating for me was the case of suitcases. hundreds, if not thousands, of suitcases. and of course, people had written their names on them and where they lived. it's hard to explain, really, what seeing something so personal does to you. you remember that they'd packed up the most important things to them in this world and lovingly labeled their cases because they really believed, deep down, that they would get them back again.

the second part of this whole thing was of course, birkinau. it's 30x the size of auschwitz i, and has been mostly destroyed. but you can see, clearly, that is stretches as far as the eye can see. and it's just like the movies.
only worse.
everyone should see it before they die.

and never, ever forget it.

damn you, efl.

2009-07-09T09:35:00.000-07:00

yesterday, i mulled over a single sentence in my head 3 or 4 times before figuring out the grammatically correct way of saying it. i'm well-aware that it's a side-effect of teaching. and i am clearly living alone right now.
"i'll ask him to tell me what is the move-in date. wait. i'll ask him to tell me what the move-in date is. what is the move-in date. what the move-in date is. what is. what it is..." you get the idea. this went on for almost a minute before i decided on the latter. the former is just a bad czech habit that i'm starting to pick up. other charming features of being a teacher include miming almost everything i say, failure to use proper intonation, frequent written spelling and grammatical errors, lack of variation in vocabulary and sentence structure, and, of course, epic mispronunciation. that englishman points it out to me everytime, too.

i even had to proof-read the e-mail i sent to jim last night, because, apparently, i think it's the best of idea's to throw s'poradic apostrophe's anywhere... 's.

it's only going to get worse.

i am

2009-06-12T04:04:00.001-07:00

terrible with goodbyes.

it's only the first, and it's all gonna snowball from here.

the prague made me do it!

2009-06-06T07:14:00.000-07:00

i had the weirdest week ever, and i'm exhausted. so bad, in fact, that i had those crazy moments when i'm standing on the platform of the metro, and i can hear it coming and the wind tunnel blowing my hair, and i think for a split second about simply stumbling over the edge; that that has to be better than feeling like my head is going to explode. those moments, of course, always pass.

and things ended fairly well. i say "fairly" because we did abysmally on the pub quiz. all that aside, friday made up for a lot of things that the rest of the week lacked. severely.

and today is a new day.
well, today is almost over, but right now is new, and i'll take it.

a thought or two or three.

2009-06-01T01:50:00.001-07:00

i haven't heard anything. to be honest, i find this surprising. but, you know, it's only monday.

i do, however, have to find a way to retrieve my earrings; i love those earrings. this could be problematic.

somehow, i find it deeply bothersome that the brothers bloom is trying to pass prague off as st. petersburg. it's clearly prague. no question. are they really expecting that we won't notice?
it seems so.
and strangely, nobody else finds this as obnoxious as i do.

whatever you like, james. whatever you like.

2009-05-03T13:10:00.000-07:00

oh, i probably give him a much harder time than he deserves.

my past few weekends have been a conglomeration of a lot of things, most of which were medieval, dependent on trains, near the nature, and included some alcohol.

i even got some smiling for the camera; without need for prompting or begging. oh snap.

cesky krumlov might go on the list of favorite memories. and that's a pretty exclusive list.

what dreams may come.

2009-04-29T22:27:00.001-07:00

i'm going through another one of my dream phases. occasionally, i'll have days or weeks of dreams that consolidate all the things i think about, and sometimes the images are truly horrifying. they're vivid, realistic, applicable, but, unfortunately, are a manifestation of the things that frighten me most.

i told him that he probably doesn't realize how many things i think about but don't say. the truth is, i want to be talking all the time, about everything i see and hear and especially about how it makes me feel. so my challenge is, i told him, that i know that most people don't want to hear about it. so i restrain myself, filter my stream-of-consciousness narrative. i strive to be as bearable as possible by deciding where to draw the line.

with the swine flus and obama's speech about nuclear arms and north korea and moving away from home swirling around in my mind, last night's was much worse than usual. i dreamed that we were anticipating a nuclear attack in the states. we'd gotten the report while i was at home, and people were unsure about what to do. we were considering going somewhere less likely to be attacked, when i suggested a few options outside the country. at which point, my mother turned to me and told me that this is what i've always wanted. i hate america, which is why i don't live there. and i hate my family, otherwise i wouldn't be moving to other countries all the time. when i said that that wasn't true, i would be devastated if anything ever happened to the people i love or to my country, all she said was "5 years," which is apparently how long i had been living outside the states in my dream. i woke up in a cold sweat, trying to remember where i was and whether or not it was being bombed.

for the record, i don't hate america, and i certainly don't hate the people there.

side notes: cesky krumlov, pay day (hey-o), 2nd interview with park lane (i typically blow interviews because i get so nervous), bowling (most people don't realize how much i love this... i must get it from my grandma), meeting pamska and miri, and a boy-whatever-you-call-it.

i totally win.

the only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.

2009-04-15T07:42:00.000-07:00

or so socrates once said, they say.

now that my second tour in the czech republic has commenced, i would like to share with you little pieces of my life as an ex-pat. part of the excitement-slash-frustration of living in a foreign place is that you spend a lot of time steeped in what feels like absolute ignorance. if you let it, this can really get to you. i'd gotten used to only understanding fragments of my world in taiwan, but i also found that, a few months in, i'd essentially figured things out.

but after finally readjusting to america last summer and fall, this little stint abroad has been a little harder than expected. i find that i often think about how much easier the little tasks would be if i were back home. for example, i tried to vacuum our living room rug today, but the cleaner kept overheating. why, God, why???? i repeated inside my head. it's only about 10x6; is it so much to ask that i be granted 30 seconds to sweep the rug before either the damn thing overheats or i blow a fuse AGAIN? as i cursed under my breath, i caught myself thinking fondly on my vacuum at home - the one that doesn't overheat and actually sucks things up. of course, i can't dwell on these things; you see, if you do, that's where the madness begins. you give yourself time to be frustrated, but you have to let it go, or you'll never be okay with being away from home. my life now is just a matter of being used to unpredictability. it seems that the same method doesn't always work, and i'm never quite sure what's going to happen. i feel like i live in extremes: things go exactly as i'd planned or they go very badly. people are uncommonly, unwaveringly kind and patient with me, or they just want me to get the hell out of there.

you'd be surprised by how such mundane things can make you feel like an idiot. what i fully don't understand:
-how to use my washing machine. i just press lots of buttons and wait for it to start churning. sometimes it makes scary noises, but i try to push through those moments.

-how to work the dishwasher. i'm great at loading and unloading it, though.

-tipping culture. i just leave money and hope it works. nobody really has a clear answer on this, either.

-why tesco doesn't carry medications or have a pharmacy

-how to use cabs. okay, i suppose i could technically use one, but i'm too cheap and they never understand what i'm saying.

-what signs on doors say. occasionally, i get terrible premonitions that they'll be demolishing the building that day.

-why czech people give such poor directions. they might just rival the british. perhaps it's a european thing, but i've never gotten used to it. i felt the same way while trying to get to my various jobs around london. you know that scene in pirates of the caribbean where they talk about how nobody knows how to get to some island except those who have been there before? okay, now take that, and apply it to every single place in prague, particularly places where you need to be at work in the next 2 minutes.

-the post office. it seems to be impossible to get into the correct line the first time, and the people are really mean! they just keep pointing me to different windows, when all i want to do is pick up my mail. eventually, i find a lady, who resentfully takes my passport, fishes through some mail that appears to be in no particular order, and then returns with my letter a minute later. she hands me a receipt of sorts and then glares at me until i leave. i would leave sooner, but i'm never sure if i'm done or if she wants a signature. you'd think it would kill these people to smile once in a while, too.

things i sort of understand:
-what the automated voice on trams and subways is saying. something about which station it is and what the next one is. however, i haven't yet picked up the language of detours, as i have been caught in them a few times. lucky for me, i also knew how to find my way home.

-those random text messages i get all written in czech. usually, they're to tell me someone tried to call me while i was on the subway. the others, i mostly ignore.

-the general location of prague's landmarks and how to get to them
-and also what those landmarks mean

-how food is categorized in tesco. though i haven't yet figured out where they draw the line between yogurt, milk, sour cream, and that stuff in between.

-the night tram. mostly because i'm just too impatient to wait for it.

things i do understand, because there are a few:
-opening doors here. it's harder and more counter-intuitive than it looks.

-ordering beer, cigarettes, coffee, and english menus.

-how a pharmacy works

-trams and subways; where to connect, where to get on and off, and what you have time to do while you wait for the next one.

it's okay. every day is a miniature adventure.

oh be ay em ay comes to pea are ay gee you ee

2009-04-05T09:41:00.000-07:00

so besides the usual niceties that a weekend with no school entails, there was some unusual excitement over a certain someone coming into town.

first, however, the weather has been truly amazing these past few days, and has inspired drinking beer in parks and gardens overlooking the city of prague with happy friends. life seldom gets much better.

second, rachel's here! we realized that we hadn't seen each other in one year exactly. imagine that.

but really, other than these things, my friends and i did something this weekend involving:

and

and

and a whole lot of

and

that's right. barack obama came to town, and we woke up at 6am to see him speak.

don't worry. it was actually a great deal more fun than my friend on the far right would have you think. something about not liking being forced to smile, because that approach is clearly more effective/attractive than smiling.

thinking about it, i realize that it's not often that one has the opportunity to see the president speak in the flesh.

...except that one time for me in taiwan, but that's a longer and much more painful story altogether.

please don't go, please don't leave me.

2009-03-31T13:53:00.000-07:00

you could stay a while longer
we could stay up and talk about last summer
we could go down to the water
watch the sunset going under
it's not that i'm a stranger to lonely moments
i've had my share of those

please don't go
please don't leave me alone
a mirror's so much harder to hold

i could try and point the finger
but the glass points in my direction
sure, you've got your sharp edges
but my wounds are from my own reflection
you've got nothing i could ever hold against you
i've got fatal flaws to call my own

please don't go
please don't leave me alone
a mirror's so much harder to hold

i met a man who's looking for perfection
said he'd never met a girl who's good enough
his eyes are getting old like they'd love to love again
such a lonely man
such a lonely man

i see him in my reflection
taking steps towards me these days
so i hold you that much closer
and pray we don't throw this away
it's not that i'm a man who couldn't love you
i know what these arms are for

please don't go
please don't leave me alone
a mirror's so much harder to hold
a mirror's so much harder to hold
please don't go
please don't leave me cold
a mirror's so much harder to hold
-jon foreman, "a mirror is harder to hold"

i think, when someone can confidently say this to me, i can probably stop looking.

oh, sweet prague.

2009-03-29T13:54:00.000-07:00

i'm back, but who knows for how long?

i feel that it's been a productive week. not only have i managed a move across the globe, but i've also managed to see layce and carve out some time for indy, my roommate for the whole trans-siberian thing last summer. and of course reconnect with my praguean crew.

other than that, here are a few snippets:
1. i don't care what you have to do, but never, ever, ever, for any reason, fly out of london gatwick. i extend a large middle finger to the easyjet branch over there, with their absurd rules about one piece of carry-on baggage. seriously, who makes up rules about not being allowed a carry-on and a purse? they wouldn't let me carry my purse! i would like to point out that this was not a problem whilst flying out of prague, and i'm pretty sure they let me slide with like 22 kilos, so to you, gatwick branch... well... i'm actually all out of words for you. and then some woman got mad at me because she apparently thought that the overhead bin was designed for her to spread out her coat. oh, pardon me, i suppose i'll just carry these 15 kilos in my lap! i pushed her damn coat over, and i really think i didn't deserve her getting pissed at me for it. i wore my bloody coat, and it was absolutely sweltering in that airplane. it's always something, london, isn't it? always something.
2. i discovered that i actually suck at quiz night. i didn't know a bible question. fail. and sam and i thought it was henry viii when it was henry v. double fail.
3. something about white russians, good friends, and really bad champagne. plus my dress was awesome.
4. i missed sam hugs. i keep realizing that people don't hug enough. why don't people hug more?
5. our apartment is seriously amazing. pictures to follow.
6. 2.5 hours at tesco. that just might be a new record.
7. people keep saying that czech people aren't friendly, but i've had a lot of luck with them. i went to buy a transport pass, and accidentally got the wrong one. i knew it was too cheap! when i went to request an exchange 20 minutes later, the woman behind the counter refused, but mostly because my czech sucks and her english sucks. as i was leaving all dejected, a man chased me down and handed me his phone. it was his english-speaking sister on the line. he felt bad for me, so he wanted me to explain what i was trying to do to his sister. she then translated it for him, and he communicated it to the lady. in the end, she refused to make the exchange, and he called his sister back, explained it to her, and she explained it to me. the whole thing was very sweet. either he was just a really nice person or i really did look that pathetic.

wow, really? yes, really.

2009-03-23T18:50:00.000-07:00

today, an extremely cute banker at wells fargo definitely came onto me. while i was wearing glasses. and my slouchy sweater. and no makeup. unfortunately, when i saw the phone number question coming, i had to inform him that, in fact, i will be leaving the country tomorrow. probably for a year or longer, and who knows where i will even end up?

firstly, i couldn't have met this guy, i don't know, like 6 weeks ago?

and secondly, yes, i feel that i am, in fact, awesome.

so that's...
me: 1
universe: a hell of a lot more than 1

ah, affirmation of self.

side note: i know nothing about physics, but my amazing packing skills this past week have confirmed that, in actuality, i know a great deal about physics. well, matter and space, really. that counts as physics, right?

this is spartaaa! no, really, where the f*** is sparta?

2009-03-18T15:29:00.000-07:00

with this whole moving and traveling abroad these last few months, i have completely lost track of a few of my possessions. not my mouse ring, thank goodness, but obnoxious, random, and obnoxiously random things i just can't seem to locate. i think half the problem, however, is that i'm not sure which items are here with me and which ones i left in the flat in prague.

among the things that have been driving me mad are:
-my fisherman's pants from bangkok. they're hideous for anything beyond the beach, midnight snacks, lounging, or hangovers, but i think we've established that i grow attached to things i find during my travels. i've torn my closet apart, too. twice.
-my navel piercing. this has almost nothing to do with the object itself, but with the fact that i can't find it. i've looked everywhere i would put it, and while i've managed to uncover every possible button to every article of clothing i've ever owned, the ring is nowhere to be found.
-my diary. yes, that is never a good sign, but i'm mostly sure that it's in prague. it has crossed my mind that perhaps i decided to get clever about it and put it under a mattress or in my closet somewhere, but thus far, my searching has been in vain. and, my room's not that big.
-my spare-slash-ugly glasses, not to be confused with the fashionable, expensive ones that make me look more intelligent than i really am. i don't wear my good glasses while lying in bed watching a movie, though, so i'd love to know where the back-ups are. i'm also guessing that they're in prague. another grand leap of faith there.
-my 300 dvd that chad gave me for my 22nd birthday. it's not expensive or anything, but i do love that movie and chances are that my friends in prague would love it too. i've become an unofficial provider of movies... of sorts. given that it didn't cost me anything, it doesn't matter too much that i can't find it. except that i can't believe it's eluding me.

why is any of this so hard to find?

unrelatedly, today was 85 and sunny. i'm really going to miss california.

21.9 to 20.7

2009-03-16T22:06:00.000-07:00

that's bmi talk for roughly 7 lbs., according to my wii fit, which is generally much meaner to me than i'd like. it's really good at pointing out just how lazy it thinks i am.

3 or 4 more would be fantastic. the >5km per day is truly doing wonders for how i feel about the impending summer season. and about going back to prague. thanks to my dad and extended family members, however, i have a major genetic deficit to overcome, and it all sits in one cursed region of my body. looming. watching. waiting for any opportunity to drink bubble tea or beer.

it's too bad my back sucks, but yoga is (sort of) repairing that situation. normally, i don't worry about this kind of thing, but after that night with the revelation that nothing i owned fit me anymore, i've had no desire to find myself in that place again. unless. you know... i'm pregnant or something, but still! since i'm out of work at the moment and so many other things are on hold, it's good to see this aspect of my life moving in a favorable direction.

do something good every day, take 2.

2009-03-11T16:27:00.001-07:00

today, i managed to find something and didn't get injured in the process. it actually cost me something monetarily, however.

ah, well, 2 for 3.

why i struggle with church... in song form!

2009-03-02T12:30:00.000-08:00

too bad i'm more guilty than i'd like to think.

I hate all your show and pretense
the hypocrisy of your praise
the hypocrisy of your festivals
I hate all your show

Away with your noisy worship
Away with your noisy hymns
I stop up my ears when your
singing ‘em
I hate all your show

Instead let there be a flood
of justice
An endless procession of righteous
living, living
Instead let there be a flood
of justice
Instead of a show

your eyes are closed when you’re praying
you sing right along with the band
you shine up your shoes for services
but there’s blood on your hands

you turned your back on the homeless
and the ones that don’t fit in your plans
quit playing religion games
there’s blood on your hands

Ah! let’s argue this out
if your sins are blood red
let’s argue this out
you’ll be white as the clouds
let’s argue this out
quit fooling around

give love to the ones who can’t love at all
give hope to the ones who got no hope at all
stand up for the ones who can’t stand at all
instead of a show
I hate all your show

-jon foreman, "instead of a show"

also, side note: 5 year anniversary of that day with the pavement and the almost-dying. yikes.

do (or try to do) something good every day.

2009-02-28T20:30:00.000-08:00

or so the slogan at starbucks has been (mostly) telling me for a while now.

first, happy er-er-ba. last year at this time, i was buying pearls. and celebrating taiwanese progression. but mostly buying pearls. that was a good day.

a few things of note. i'm observing lent this year. i'm not catholic, but i think it's important to meditate on and then fast the things that we rely on too much. it's easy to be obstructed, or jaded, or complacent because we simply have more than we need. i seriously considered giving up three things this year: alcohol, facebook, and the office. alcohol, i felt, was really too simple. i hardly drink while i'm home, and by the time i get back to prague where i have a beer or so each day, lent will mostly be over. besides, those jews knew how to party back in the day. have you heard of those week-long weddings? not that this has much to do with catholicism in the 21st century, but if the question is WWJD, Jesus would have a beer. facebook was a possibility, but something that i consider a part of my everyday routine, and really, i tend to use it for good designs rather than evil ones. not that i have evil designs. much. and the office, well, i'm looking to rejuvenate some faithfulness, not immerse myself in misery. so facebook, it was. and despite how many times i tried to justify not giving up facebook to myself, i realized that i spend far too much time that could be devoted to something else. maybe to prayer, or to fasting, or to devotionals or study, but i'm not going to pretend that that's entirely what i had in mind. that's part of it, but the reality is that i was created for something purposeful and given far more opportunities to achieve it than most, and i don't think my purpose includes how much time i spend on facebook. surely, it includes other things, whatever they may be, and it's time to dwell on/search for those things. besides, the narcissism was getting overbearing. (narcissistic? me?)

as part of my attempt at more thoughtful and productive living, this week, i decided to donate blood. this was my first time, i've always wanted to, and i, quite literally, had nothing to do. i'd meant to ask my mom for the car, but i slept through my alarm and whatnot. so i donned some walking clothes and hiked the mile or two to my local target shopping center to find the blood mobile. even better than target, it was right in front of (and sponsored by) a starbucks. this made the whole waiting experience significantly more fun, since the good old american red cross was very backed up with donors that afternoon. but again, seriously, nothing better to do. after a latte or two and talking to the volunteers, i was led into the bus, the temperature in which, by the way, was commensurate with being on the surface of the sun, not in california in february. after rehashing all the places i'd been this past year, particularly where, EXACTLY, i went in china, they concluded that i probably didn't have malaria. i was then laid on a bed across from other horizontal people who were uncomfortably staring out windows or texting. to make the whole thing a little more pleasant, they gave us all starbucks vouchers, which i fully intended to use on the most expensive drink i could feasibly finish without gagging. this really doesn't go beyond a venti nonfat caramel macchiato with an extra shot, which isn't even that exciting. after the usual pleasantries (are there usual pleasantries in this kind of situation?), the nurse began the drawing procedure. She told me to squeeze a a stress ball, and that i would feel a pinch and a little pain. unfortunately, i felt more than a pinch and the pain didn't subside. and then i heard a "oh, that's not good," which is truly the last thing you ever want to hear when someone's sticking something into your body. or cutting something off. 12 and one, really. i subtly writhed for about a minute, when she told me that it wasn't going to work, and if we kept trying, i would have a massive bruise covering my entire arm. is seems that, when she was trying to put the needle into my vein, it compressed, and the needle went straight through and pierced the other side. by the time she'd corrected it, there was a second hole and bleeding on the tissue in my arm. a lot. within a few more minutes, the needle was out, and she was holding bandages and a cold pack on my arm. they made me sit there for another 20 minutes eating food and drinking juice because passing out was a possibility, and then i walked home again.

and it seems i somehow left that free starbucks voucher there.

more than 24 hours later, my arm now looks like this:

don't let it fool you. it hurts like hell. i can't actually fully straighten it.

i suppose that i should do something that risks less bodily injury the next time i do something good.
not that giving blood is risking much. i don't even mind needles! ask my 8 piercings! that with the 2 days of IV... man, i thought it was made for stuff like this.

the saga of my tortured relationship with london, part 542.

2009-02-13T16:57:00.000-08:00

i'm good at traveling. yes, i know that this can mean a lot of things, but i've practiced and failed and learned... and in all, i feel that i can actually say i'm an accomplished, savvy traveler. even though my semester abroad was simply wrought with bad luck, the past few years abroad have gone by with little trouble at all. and in the course of all this, i've spent the majority of my time in very foreign cultures, all of which don't speak english. amazingly, my competence has helped produce some enjoyable and fun travel experiences in these places and little tragedy. sure, i crashed a scooter into a parked van in bali. and there was my pengyou that drove me to the great wall in china. he didn't speak any english, but damn did we have fun! and i'm not sure how safe that bus ride out of st. petersburg was, but you know... makes you stronger, they say.

yet london - damn you, london - somehow manages to twist fate, worldliness, and general dignity into something truly dreadful for me. everything i've learned gets whittled down into borderline incompetence while i'm there.

he told me that i was going to regret monday night when i had to fly into the london the next day, but i brushed it off. i was having way too much fun. and everything went mostly well in london, but it seems that the unlikelihood - nay - the more convenient something is, the more likely am to mess it up. it's generally small things like: trying to wire money to my roommates. or the automated machine in the tube eating my 10 quid for no apparent reason.

or the best of all - missing my trans-atlantic flight from terminal 5. granted, people, this is not due to the usual reasons one would miss a flight: irresponsibility. misreading the ticket. traffic. no, my friends, i missed a flight solely because of bureaucracy. some ridiculous 35 minute rule regarding security that was never explained to me when i checked in. i didn't even know that was possible, but leave it to me!

london, i have deemed you my favorite place in the entire world. you are the place where i would spend the rest of my life if i could... my reason for hoping i meet and marry a charming british man whose wit makes up for his awkwardness. or an ex-pat with a penchant for you and your ways.

really, we must stop doing this. i'm beginning to feel like i'm doing all the work in this relationship, and it can't go on forever. taipei never treated me this way, and i'm still giving you chances. i come back next month, on my way to praha. i'm begging you to be more welcoming this time around. stop eating my money and computers. stop allowing weird men to follow and harass me. and for the love of God, it'd be nice if i could make my flights. or at least have a little dignity intact. other countries give me that, why can't you?

this glass is for when you return.

2009-02-08T05:08:00.000-08:00

this past week, i've been despairing over having to leave prague. the truth is, it's been a long while since i've been this happy. i realized that this month, i didn't spend any time thinking or dreaming or hoping to be anywhere else. just unadulterated contentment.

while sitting with my favorite people last night, we laughed about how ridiculous this whole program has been, and how rewarding it is to be at the end. it's hard to say what's going to happen, now that we're all getting new flats and new teaching jobs. and we won't be required to sit in the same room for 12 hours a day. i'll miss it, i must confess.

"joy, really, what are we going to do when you leave?" sammy asked. i didn't know how to respond. i was startled. i hadn't realized how hard it would be until i heard the sincerity behind his voice. "i don't know," was all that i could muster, "i suppose i'll be really lonely. you guys will be fine. i'm there in spirit."

things got a bit misty until sam mentioned 7 years in tibet, with the cup of tea that's symbolic of someone's return. mine would be a glass of wine, but i loved that they thought they'd leave one out to remember my spot. it's good to know that i have a spot, and that it will be vacant and waiting for me to come back in march.

i'm amazed by how lovely it is to make a family for yourself, thousands of miles from home.

love it.

2009-02-03T11:46:00.000-08:00

yesterday, sam and i made up a mostly-arbitrary scoring system. somehow, i actually won! this is a relief.

there are other fish in the sea.

2009-01-25T06:19:00.000-08:00

or so the saying goes. i've always hated when my mother said that to me, because i never felt that it did that awful pit-of-your-stomach feeling justice.

but now i completely understand it. maybe it's age or maturity or perspective or because it really doesn't matter or because it's just plain true.

all things considered, i saw an empty snow-covered charles bridge at 3 in the morning. i can't ask for more than that.

you cut me down to size and opened up my eyes

2009-01-21T04:13:00.000-08:00

there are so many things i could say about yesterday, and i'm just glad that today is a new day.

inspiration is going off in all sorts of directions, though apparently not my own. i suppose that's the thing about teaching. some days make you want to leap through the street and some of them make you want to leap into the street from 20 storeys up.

all that said, on other fronts, things are good. maybe i'll learn to rejoice more over the small victories and despair less in the failures.

the promised land

2009-01-19T04:20:00.000-08:00

2 1/2 years in the wilderness. 1 1/2 of them a season of famine. and i might just now be reaching some fields of green and waters of blue. or at least the edge of it.

oh man, i'm glad i moved.

if you're looking to be authoritative...

2009-01-16T03:29:00.000-08:00

...apparently, you need to look at me.

for whatever reason, i kicked ass in my teaching practice session yesterday. no, i'm not exaggerating. i just had a really, truly good day. i tried to envision all my pupils as kids to alleviate my anxiety, though i may or may not have been patronizing. i sure hope not.

during our feedback session, my more timid classmates were told to use my tone as an example of gentle and respectful authority in the classroom.

i will say that that is the first time anyone has ever told me that... ever. actually, that was my single-largest problem in taiwan. not with the kindergartners, but definitely with that whole s4 dynamic. i'd eventually just come to accept it. and in general, i'm not good at telling people what to do. ask my starbucks co-workers, with the exception of the new people. ask my friends, my family. i'm far too blue-white to exude any sort of authority over anyone anytime, except, apparently, in the classroom.

can it be that i'm actually just plain good at this?

it's a bird. it's a plane. no, really, what is it?

2009-01-05T22:59:00.000-08:00

over the years, i've developed quite a skill in detaching myself from the things i own. generally speaking, i can get over not having and/or losing most things. and when it comes to possessions, i try not to pick favorites, until i recently discovered how much i really care about one particular object.

a few weeks ago, i went into a frenzy because i thought i'd lost a ring. i dug through every piece of jewelry i own. i turned over every object on my desk (where i typically keep it) and called the restaurants i'd recently visited, all in vain. it wasn't for a few hours, after turning over a picture frame, that i realized that it had rolled behind the pictures on my desk. i could have sworn i'd looked there before, but i think God knows that i would have cried. really cried. real tears. if i'd lost it. i chalk that one up to a miracle. the ring itself isn't worth much. i probably only spent a few dollars on it at a market in bangkok. and while i've bought a great deal of jewelry - most of it meaningless - at various markets all over the world, i was drawn to the uniqueness of this jeweler's particular design. i asked him about himself; he was turkish, had recently moved from istanbul, and had hoped to spread his design around as much as he could, particularly to foreigners (europeans, americans...) he even gave me a business card, which i promptly lost in typical "me" fashion.

the funny thing about this ring, too, is that it seems to inspire a lot of theories about what it resembles. every time i look at it, i see a mouse. my mother, however, sees grapevines. since my brother also sees a mouse, they have started to refer to it as "joy's mouse." please note, they call my nose piercing a "bug" and for a while referred to me as "bug-nose." either way, it always inspires commentary and questions from people around me. when i go grocery shopping or stop out for some drinks with friends, everybody has an opinion about it. some positive and others negative. who knew that a small, slightly bizarre article of clothing could spark such a vocal response?

so i'm posting it up here. and i'd love to know: what do you see?

buddy the elf, what's your favorite color?

2008-12-21T14:44:00.000-08:00

i love christmas. really, i do. i have watched elf about 3 times and love actually maybe 8 this past december. i don't mind christmas shopping, and i'm all about the red cups at starbucks.

seriously, this year i've made it my mission to overdose on christmas, because it's just depressing when it's gone. but i'm amazed at peoples' capacities to ruin a good thing, even when i'm making an honest effort to enjoy it.

like yesterday, my partner and i got chastised for not playing enough christmas music at our store. people, i'm going to let you in on a little something. everyone at my store works, at minimum, 4 shifts per week. for every shift, we listen to the christmas mix at least twice. and of the songs on that mix, 5% we actually like, 45% are tolerable, and 50% make us want to get on the ground and cover our ears in the fetal position. i often think to myself, how is it possible to have this many bad versions of this song? i bloody like this song, and this is terrible! keep in mind that the christmas stuff started before thanksgiving was even dead and buried in the ground. but just for you, gracious patrons, we do not get into the fetal position. we keep making your grande 6p gingerbread, 3 splenda, breve lattes with extra whipped cream, iced, no hot, no iced, no hot, no wait, do you make a frappuccino?... okay, hot. and happily so.

so this woman came in while we were up to our eyeballs in people, and complained that we never have christmas music playing. at the moment, we were taking a break with some reggae. my supervisor told her that we switch over every so often because we're all just a bit burnt out, but if she was planning to stay, he would gladly switch to the christmas mix for her. no, she explained, she just wanted to get her drinks and go. she actually never stays when she comes in. she just finds it offensive that at the one completely unpredictable time that she comes into the store for 30 seconds each day, we don't happen to have the christmas mix on. then she whined that we don't serve marshmallows and was on her way. "merry christmas," i called after her, to no response, of course.

hear that? that's the sound of my life being sucked out of me as we speak.

um.

2008-12-02T22:33:00.001-08:00

i bought my plane ticket to prague today.

the usual anxiety is starting again. hard to say if it's better than before i went to taipei. and one day, i will master it, just as i've conquered other travel-related fears. i figure that once i've had almost everything stolen from me, things can't get much worse, right? right. suffice it to say, the anxiety is ebbed by the fact that i always sleep with one strap of my bag wrapped around an arm, and the bag is always on the side with the wall. you think i'm kidding, but i'm so not.

generally, i will tell you right now that i have no idea where the money has come from, or will come from for that matter. but it always comes. my bank account is like Jesus multiplying the loaves and the fish. this happened to me in europe. and again around month 2 in taiwan. and then again when i was planning for my trip to russia. i always look at the money and think, there's no possible logical way i'm going to do this. but without fail, $20 seems to stretch into hundreds, though i've never been good at doing the math on how this takes place.

a few months in prague. then it's hard to say, but i will figure out where God meant for me to be. i have so many bright ideas about what's going to happen and so few ideas about how i'm going to do it.

but the certainty that i'm supposed to go searching for what it is constantly sits in the back of my mind. it makes my legs twitch and my fingers ache. it gives me euphoric dreams and horrifying nightmares. makes me notice everyone and no one. i feel like my soul sees with so much clarity that i might go absolutely, intellectually mad.

i'm just hoping that i'm wandering in the right direction.

thanksgiving.

2008-11-26T09:10:00.000-08:00

i have a confession. i love... no... love american holidays. i think that they are the best holidays ever. nothing makes me miss home like missing a good, old-fashioned american tradition. in fact, i can tell you a number of sad, lonely tales about what i did on my favorite holidays of the year.
for example, last fourth of july, i spent the day exploring st. petersburg, and the night waiting in a station for the longest and most uncomfortable bus ride you can probably imagine. twelve hours from petersburg to riga, with one stop in estonia in the bloody dead of night. i did discover that it eventually gets dark that time of year, however, but only for 2 hours. and for those who don't know, the fourth of july is my second-favorite holiday. just after christmas. so you may as well call it my very favorite holiday.

despite my lonely tales, i will tell you this: one of my favorite thanksgivings was last year, the first one at kate and caroline's... and the one that followed with the mormons. it wasn't perfect. no fancy china or sitting at a large table while everyone gave thanks, and on one occasion, no turkey! actually, i think there were even canadians and kiwis at these events, too. but the joy and the welcoming and the warmth of the whole thing made me feel like i was at home again. for the first thanksgiving, possibly ever, i felt that i had something monumental to be grateful for. i had a family, despite having no family. i wasn't lonely, despite how very lonely i had been. i know, i know, normally we thank God for the big and the small, the meaningful and the insignificant... that's what the holiday is for. but this one, somehow, was different. i suppose that i'd felt so much of what it means to lose, or give up, what was important and comfortable to me, only to be provided for in abundance in such a very foreign place.

these days, i'm totally loving thanksgiving.

win, fail, ?

2008-11-24T18:56:00.000-08:00

a few things:
i heard back from the school in prague. they've accepted me into their program, sans interview.
win!
i think i'm getting ill, and have been for a few weeks now.
fail.
i loved wicked.
win!
some avenues seem promising (win!) but don't seem to go anywhere of significance (fail)
prague means that i will be leaving work this winter. this also means leaving all manner of pleasantness and unpleasantness behind.
?
i had a startling, vivid dream last night. about last year, that mountaintop in indonesia, and terrible things that happened in my dream, though not in real life.
???

on the road.

2008-11-18T17:46:00.000-08:00

lately, i've decided to ride my astoundingly agile scooter to and from work. sure it's about 3 miles away, but i enjoy the weather and the quality time with my ipod, thoughts, and the fall colors. fall is my favorite, probably for no other reason than the colors themselves. i enjoy warm things: deep reds, forest greens, and especially browns. i used to think of brown as a bastard child of better colors, but lately i've begun to think it's very misunderstood. it has the uncanny ability to make me think of all the things i love about being alive, like hugs or shivering or coffee or scarves or wine or giggling in hushed voices because it's much too late and much too quiet; but we don't stop because there's so much to say and i love you so much more than sleep.

and while i generally use the time just to think about my plans or imagine what might have been, it's been the source of much illumination these days.
for those who don't know, though it's likely you've never met me before if this is the case, i have a strange, inexplicable obsession with jack's mannequin. or maybe it's andrew mcmahon, i'm not sure which. though he's married these days. and he used to write extremely spiteful songs about being in high school and kissing girls. stop judging me!
but on my walk home, i think i may have solved the mystery of my attachment! it really has everything to do with how distinctly californian the music is. most of it is about southern california - living here, loving here, leaving here. all things california. and it actually makes me in love with being here, and so much less anxious to leave as soon as possible. california isn't dirty or noisy or polluted anymore, because andrew describes it how it is, but with such affection that it becomes something much more beautiful than that.
here are some images of my home and why, on occasion, i really do love it.

you'll be missed, miss california
we'll be married in the rain...

the other day, instead of listening to my sweet tunes while taking my even sweeter ride, i just walked. as i flipped through songs, the classic "an american girl" by the indomitable tom petty came on. firstly, let me just state that i adore tom petty.
and secondly, i want to know how it's possible that, though i've heard this song dozens of times (DOZENS), i haven't actually related to it until now?
well she was an american girl
raised on promises
she couldn't help thinkin that there
was a little more to life
somewhere else
after all it was a great big world
with lots of places to run to
yeah, and if she had to die
tryin' she had one little promise
she was gonna keep

oh yeah, all right
take it easy baby
make it last all night
she was an american girl

it was kind of cold that night
she stood alone on her balcony
she could the cars roll by
out on 441
like waves crashin' in the beach
and for one desperate moment there
he crept back in her memory
God it's so painful
something that's so close
and still so far out of reach

oh yeah, all right
take it easy baby
make it last all night
she was an american girl

i won't dissect them for you, and yes, i know that there are other meanings, many of them not so positive. but the one i inferred while listening to it struck a chord that i haven't felt in a long, long time, and i suppose i'd rather dwell on that.

that, and the shades of red that the trees are turning these days.

lattes aren't worth it.

2008-11-17T23:14:00.000-08:00

a few days ago, i had excruciating pain in all the knuckles in my right hand. i'm not someone who typically bows to pain. i deal with pain. i'm good with pain. but that was bad enough to distract me. and today, my elbow, the right one of course, is the problem.

i'm almost certain that starbucks is giving me carpal tunnel syndrome.
damn frappuccinos.

sleep

2008-11-12T01:49:00.001-08:00

i think that, tonight, i will sleep much better than i have in a long while.

thank You, for taking this away from me.
i'm really glad that You're a whole lot of things that i'm not.

personality tests

2008-11-08T23:46:00.000-08:00

lately, my family has taken a number of personality tests, partially because it'd be good for us and partially out of curiosity.

i have recently discovered that i am a blue-white, very nearly a blue-white-yellow.

and also that i am an enfp. more importantly, i also learned that, as such, i am typically attracted to intp's and infj's.

somehow, this explains a great deal, about me, and about the hims i seem to choose.

i really wish i'd known this a year ago.
or three.
or maybe even five.

to be honest, i'm very tired of hurting, and really i just wish it would all go away. this week marks 60 days, and i am saddened to find that, on occasion, i still feel compelled to cry. i'd like to think i've forgiven, because being unable to do so is only going to hurt me - slowly eat away at me so that i remember nothing about him but my own bitterness. this would be unjust as, truly, i mostly felt much, much sweeter things than bitterness. some things, more deeply, wildly, and beautifully than i ever thought i could again. and others, more painfully and recklessly than i'd ever hoped to revisit after the one that took me a year to extract.
despite all this, i have no desire to utter that forgiveness, much less express it in a meaningful way. still, part of me feels that the dreams, the nervous twitching, or maybe even that sick feeling i get at the bottom of my stomach when i uncover that letter or those entries will go away if i do. the other part of me, however, believes that any utterance will only be disregarded, or un-reciprocated, or worse, criticized. that somehow, the whole thing will be concluded to be my own fault, and i, being ever-true to form, will accept the blame. it's hard to say which course of action is more unbearable, but even more difficult to admit that the reason i refuse to act is because i'm sure i'll cave. and i absolutely cannot cave, because, i know, absolutely, that it wasn't my fault, and even more absolutely, that i can't take the humiliation again. blessed are the poor in spirit, He said, for they shall be filled. i don't know that i'm ready to feel that poor again before i wait for You to fill me up. i don't think i even have the capacity for that kind of humility anymore.

to the sleepless, this is my reply, i'll write you a lullaby

2008-11-05T21:09:00.000-08:00

i've been having strange, unusual dreams. and many of them, somehow, someway, including senegal. that's a small country on the western african seaboard.

why senegal? this had better not be like that island on lost willing people to come to it and all.

i'm only kidding.
sort of.

voting.

2008-11-05T12:29:00.000-08:00

apparently, people will come out of the woodwork for a free cup of coffee.

and apparently, there really are more obnoxious people than i thought.

and for the love of God, no, you cannot substitute a small cup of coffee for a large frappuccino. on what planet does that seem like an even substitution?

january. january.

what happens when i mess around

2008-11-01T07:42:00.001-07:00

i was playing, and once i'd made one character, i discovered it only took a few minutes to create more! i'm afraid i didn't have time to do everybody i know, but clearly, i had fun.

let's start with me, amidst my traipsing

layce, in london, looking fabulous

nichole. she's about to experience some serious cold.

m-b, catalina style.

ed, doing what he does best.

a.c.

kirsten. if i could have added a baby in here, i would have.

oh, nicole

my brother, an intellectual ninja.

and my favorite... the furious white boy!

election woes.

2008-10-29T11:40:00.001-07:00

i think 2008 might actually give me an ulcer.

i've always hated talking about politics, because i hate what it brings out in people.

also, i just might explode all over the next person who generalizes my faith and/or followers of Christ.

tag-action

2008-10-24T17:22:00.000-07:00

the bigger mystery is whether or not you're going to believe this stuff.
1. i was run over by a truck and lived to tell about it.
2. i climbed an active volcano in indonesia, and almost froze to death in the process. in the summer. also, i couldn't move for a day afterward.
3. i once gave a speech at a kmt rally in taiwan. in chinese. sort of. plus, i met the guy that later became the president, who probably spoke english better than me. it was not a day of personal greatness.
4. i am uncommonly good at remembering quotes and conversations, especially things i hear on television. i have to restrain myself, because i'm pretty sure i have the capacity to creep people out.
5. i keep realizing that i have now been single for over 2 years. on a very technical, label-dependent level, anyway.
i really don't want to talk about it.
6. i've always thought i had an addiction to pasta, but lately i'm starting to believe it's actually tomatoes. for serious. i eat some form of tomato every day, sometimes more than once, and would probably eat more if i could.
7. 108 hours is the longest i've gone without a shower. this was not so much a choice as it was forced upon me by the russian rail network. and p.s. there is no good way to appear even moderately hygienic after 108 hours on the trans-siberian.

aaron and kirsten choate, nicole, sarah, edward, dano, and myers, you're up. everybody else has already been tagged elsewhere.

HAHA

2008-10-21T10:09:00.001-07:00

i guess i'd be lying if i said it didn't cheer me up.
http://office-words.www.nbc.com/

when life gets you down...

2008-10-15T08:00:00.000-07:00

focus on the positive.

for those who don't know, life has been quite the downer these days. being at home sucks the life out of me, mostly because of one particular person, who shall remain nameless. that would be one thing, except that work is almost painful these days. i should probably stress that it's not because i inherently hate my job, but because any flicker of positive morale or energy is immediately squelched by laziness, drama, and the desire to stay in high school. i spent at least my last 3 semesters of high school wishing it would go away, and now it's come back with a vengeance. this is then compounded by the fact that some of my closest friends are (or will be) in places like london and boston, or by the painful process of extracting others from my life. the unexpected side effect of that one is my acute ability to qualify most guys i meet as liars, no matter how nice they are. i'm still waiting on the Lord for that healing. it'll come, but right now it's still open and bleeding profusely.

i think, though, that sometimes we focus primarily on how awful we feel, and not on all the positive things we have. there are days, weeks, months, that i feel like my Father doesn't hear me, but i find that it's mostly because i'm not listening to Him speak. even when i'm feeling hopeless, i also find something to bring me pleasure or to make me laugh. the fact is, there is way too much suffering in the world to be caught up in how dissatisfied i am with my life. so i told myself that today, i will focus on the things that i enjoy, no matter how small they are. right now, i am in a place where i'm so comfortable that it's easy for me to forget the beauty of existence, and the buoyancy of the human spirit. few people are this lucky.

and despite how frustrated i've been, i've found that the list of things which make me happy is considerable. and that's not even including the people i love, just objects and what they represent. for those who think this is all about materialism, it's not... it's about being appreciative and joyful because we're given so much to be appreciative and joyful about. even these small pieces of joy are enough to lighten this heavy heart, if just for today. and that's okay, because today is all i was ever promised anyway.

a sign that blares: not over it.

2008-10-12T21:01:00.000-07:00

today, i saw someone who looked just like you, and felt my stomach rotate 360 degrees. for 1 second exactly, i was sure it was you, and that my heart was going to explode. it was like in a cheesy tv show, where the main character looks immediately for the nearest route of escape, or hopes that God would grant her invisibility - just for now, just this once.

the abrupt, uncontrollable panic attacks, as well as the predictable stimuli that trigger them, tell me that, no, i'm definitely not over it. and worse, it probably hurt me more than i've wanted to let myself acknowledge. i was sincerely hoping to skip this part.

oh no.

rantings of a disgruntled coffee hero.

2008-10-08T16:02:00.000-07:00

friends, countrymen, gracious patrons of the man, lend me your ears.

as most know, i work for a certain coffee company, and have been on and off for a few years. while most things haven't changed, one startling change this time around has been the severe discrepancy in customer attitude between my prior location and here. surprisingly, i find this demographic to be significantly more obnoxious than that of orange county, and would like to comment on-slash-berate the people who enjoy unceremoniously tarnishing my existence on a regular basis. thanks to you, i have once again begun to lose all faith in human decency. well done.

and since i can't do it at work, i'll do it here. to my friends and visitors who are also patrons of this coffee house, please, for the sake of others in my position, if any of what i say applies to you... heed my words, turn from your idiocy, and repent of your ways!

let me first say that i've got to hand it to you, riverside county; you guys win the prize for cheapest bastards in the world... yes, the world... because i've visited all over the world, and i've never seen people as stingy as you. never before have i experienced so much resentment over you having to pay for the crap you buy. i've been condescended to, whined at, and complained about over making you pay for what you've just ordered. i don't know why, but you seem to think that my store is a garage sale, and bartering is allowed. does the menu, or does it not say, specifically, how much you will have to pay for that particular product? yes, i believe it does. i want to know... do you argue with people over the price when you go to a restaurant? how about a salon? the grocery store? wal-mart? no, of course you don't, because that would be idiotic, wouldn't it? if you didn't want to buy that product at any of these given establishments, you wouldn't. why do the rules suddenly change when you order from me, then? i'm just charging you because you had to buy half-and-half instead of just sticking with the standard milk, and you needed that extra shot of decaf espresso just so that you could spend extra money and not have it affect your system... because that makes sense. it's a business, not a charity, and if you can't afford it, stick with a more standard order, don't add extras, or just don't come at all! but don't yell at me over 40cents because you couldn't just go with the standard. we charge extra because it costs extra, and because of the extra 2 minutes it takes to prepare that stuff... and for interrupting our flow. besides, it's not like i get that money. or like i decided to provoke you because i could.

now, the following is some advice for a patron of any geographical persuasion. if people do not change these things, somebody's head will explode, and it will be your fault. do you really want that kind of guilt? i didn't think so.
1. seriously, what's with the extra shots of decaf? if you're claiming that it's the taste, that's a fallacy, because the whole process of decaffeinating coffee significantly diminishes the flavor. and surely, you don't expect me to believe that you can actually taste that shot beneath those layers of gluten and lactose. half-decaf on a medium, i can understand (since you get that shot anyway), or even plain decaf of any size, but extras? just empty your wallet into our tip jar, i'll wave my hand mystically over your cup and maybe even throw in an incantation, and we'll call it even.
2. ordering something light with extra whipped cream and/or extra caramel and in large just makes me want to give you the full-fat version anyway. not that i do. but really, you think you're saving calories? besides disgusting me, you're deluding yourself into thinking you're sticking to your diet, and just begging for serious health problems in the future. better make that private insurance work, huh?
3. we have mint flavor all year long, dumbass. so spare me your excitement over our sudden reintroduction of putting it into hot chocolate, mocha, or just plain coffee, because it was sitting there way back in april, too. do we really need to move words around on the menu to make that clear?
4. i remember from back when people liked dane cook, he did this bit on how the need for ketchup in a fast food restaurant suddenly makes you more important than everybody else. you bypass all propriety for it. i would venture to say, however, that the insatiable need for free water is far worse. somehow, with 15 people in line, an endless stream of cups, shots and milk being pulled and poured in all directions and two blenders going, people don't get the message that, no, my co-worker and i, who are already running frantically to fill all these orders, don't have time to get you a free cup of water. go stand in line and order it. or just don't forget it the first time you ordered your drink. but i don't care how nicely you tell me that i can get it "whenever i have a sec." the caffeine-deprived people come first. you already got your drink. forgetting the rest of your order does not put you in front of the line.
5. really? you wanted that drink iced, even though you watched me write it on a hot cup, stood there while i steamed the milk, and waited while i fetched more hot lids, even though you're the only person in line. if you think you've found an original, clever way to get a free drink, you're sorely mistaken. and what a coincidence! you're going to meet a friend right now who will take it! it must be your lucky day. please, i see right through that, and it's been done many times before you, honey. now you can hand that back so i can dump it down the drain while i make you the "correct" drink. and if it's not a ploy, could you pay attention to your order for a second or two?
6. wow, you just let your kids get more of that pastry on the ground than in their mouths. next time, could we not order the flaky scone for them? might i suggest a bagel? or nothing?
7. also, please don't send them in to get free water unless you instruct them to stand in line, say thank you, not jump on the furniture, and use their inside voices. a small tip would be a nice gesture, too, since you did send three of your darlings.
8. no need to talk down. most of us have degrees, or at the very least operate at an average i.q. level.
9. standing in front of other people in line, smack in the middle of your order is not, i repeat, is not a good time to call your friend and ask what they want. do it before. or just don't, because your whole being in high school, clutching your designer bag, and talking on your blackberry is kinda pissing me off anyway.
10. don't tell me to rebrew the coffee when it's still good. you can't tell the difference anyway. no, really, you can't.

read. heed. adjust.

but to the connoisseurs of straight coffee, espresso, glorious foam, soy milk, chai tea, pure tea, and the 2x shot, i salute you.

i want to clamp michael's face in a george foreman grill.

2008-10-07T22:06:00.000-07:00

after today, i'm wondering if grills come in full body size.

to quote hunter s. thompson: some people get rich and others eat shit and die.

sometimes, don't i wish.

lord, beer me self-control.

2008-10-05T22:13:00.000-07:00

my name is joy, and today i spent way too much money at anthropologie.

huh?

2008-09-29T22:39:00.000-07:00

you know what's a deceivingly large country?
thailand.

i love how every birthday has a song.

2008-09-25T00:02:00.000-07:00

or at least it has for the past 3 birthdays.

this year's musical selection is brought to you by stephen christian... or anberlin, if you prefer... and their song "alexithymia":
Are you where you thought you'd be
So beautiful and only twenty-three...

thoughts? comments?
this year, in lieu of my usual reflection on how things have changed, i don't think i'm going to offer any sort of complaint or musing on whether or not i'd planned all this. i'm not going to mull over my original wishes, or even qualify the significance of my choices.

the truth is that i've wanted to be here for a long while now. so really, i've no complaints. and i don't want to dwell on how or why my thoughts were realigned, or even how different my life would have been otherwise. despite how much time i spent complaining before, i'm so grateful, and so happy with what You've done with me. the most i can hope for at present is the strength to keep moving. because i do know that the more i do, the more my future and purpose will make sense to me.

if there's anything to dwell on this birthday, it's that i'm beautiful, and even better... only 23.
p.s. i am completely amazed by justin's card. right now, i'd venture to say that he loves the office even more than me. and i really love the office.

i just got

2008-09-23T12:53:00.000-07:00

jay chou's secret in the mail today. how excited am i to share its amazingness with the world around me?

there are no words.

as a preview:

or: http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=cbSeZh6apVk

also, this isn't ashlee simpson status... he really is that bona-fide awesome. he's some sort of taiwanese musical prodigy, apparently.

90% boxer. 10% evil.

2008-09-21T23:42:00.001-07:00

plus, i was playing with my new camera.

the un-prodigal child(ren)

2008-09-20T13:25:00.000-07:00

show of hands: who remembers the story about the prodigal son? i've heard it what feels like a gazillion times. even though gazillion isn't a real number. it's a beautiful depiction of God's love for us, about being lost and then found, amazing grace, etc. etc. etc.

as of late, my mom has described her feelings towards my brother as the father's from that story. even though the son walked away and fell apart, the father still waited for him. he still wanted his son back. she told me that, unless you're a parent, there's really no way to compare a connection like that. she explained that, in parenthood, all bets are off - you would do anything for them. and of course, the father rejoiced when he got his son back.

since i don't have a child, i don't know that i can relate. and since i haven't deserted my family, i can't relate to the prodigal son either. the person i've always understood on some level, however, is the faithful son. which probably shouldn't be the case, because he's not the point of the story. also, i'm pretty sure Jesus wanted us to know that we are all, on some level, prodigal sons. still, i couldn't help but feel that he was justified in his resentment of his brother. here he was, the faithful son, watching his brother who'd screwed up and made a big mess of his life and his father's life, receive the full inheritance back. i fully sympathize with his anger. he, the faithful son, had stayed behind to work and make something of himself. he, the faithful son, hadn't broken his father's heart. he, the faithful son, had treasured his inheritance and lived a life worthy of it. in addition, which isn't mentioned in the story, but he, the faithful son, had probably spent a good amount of his life piecing his father's heart back together. he'd probably try to show his father that there wasn't a need to be shattered, that one of his children wanted to please and honor him. and then his brother, who he had seen hurt his father so, came back and it was as if he'd never left. in fact, they even threw him a party!

i think that, at times, my parents wish that my brothers and i would show a little more compassion towards the one. that our first desire wouldn't be to slap his face off. i've tried, and i think my brothers have tried as well, but that compassion has become hard to find these days. really.

so in the midst of our discussion, we revisited that story. i said that we've run out of compassion in the same way that the faithful son had. that we strive to honor and obey, and that, in the deepest regions of ourselves, we can't understand why our parents are broken. we all know that, should anything happen to us, our parents would feel just the same, but it's difficult to watch what our sibling does to them and still try to find that same compassion. we wonder, as the son probably wondered, what gives our sibling the right? our parents loved us all the same, gave us all the same things, and treated us the same. so why does this one feel that he should have the right, the ability, the gall, to act the way he does? why should his meager (and sometimes downright pathetic) excuses for faithfulness be rewarded - rejoiced over, and ours accepted or assumed?

i suppose that we, like the son, rest in the knowledge that we're loved and rejoiced over the same, though it manifests itself in different ways. that perhaps, what the prodigal son didn't have, we still have, though it might be difficult to identify or even accept these things. and perhaps, just perhaps, the difference in all this is that the prodigal son displayed humility, something that the rest of us have yet to see.

all the same, it doesn't make it any less difficult for us, the un-prodigal, to understand our brother(s). that son wasn't greedy or even wrong. he might have just wanted to remind his father that, while the other one was doing the destroying, it wasn't easy or enjoyable to pick up the pieces.

an interesting thing happened to me at birth choice today.

2008-09-17T23:07:00.001-07:00

prague, cz 2009-2010 ((romania, hungary, bulgaria, croatia))
world cup, south africa, summer 2010

and now. uganda, fall 2010??

could be.

when i was a baby, my parents used to pray for things like uganda.
i'm thinking that might be why the stability mechanism is broken.

the reason why we bought the bracelets.

2008-09-16T08:03:00.000-07:00

"dwight, did i ever tell you why i left scranton? yeah, i didn't think i did. well, it was all about pam. yeah, i mean, she was with roy, and... i just couldn't take it. i mean, i lost it, dwight. i couldn't sleep. i couldn't concentrate on anything. and weird stuff like food had no taste. so my solution was to move away. it was awful. and it is something i wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. and that includes you."
-jim, the office

i'm all out of words, and i'm all out of tears. i'm done with forgiveness, shaking it off, moving on, and i'm even more done with blaming myself for how much it hurts. my only thought is... why delude ourselves with friendship, when being strangers is just as effective, and doesn't waste my time?

half-truths. omissions. white lies. sparing my feelings. it's all a nice way of saying the same terrible thing.

the ironic thing is that i'd actually felt bad for all the things i'd said that one time. i'd even considered myself unfair, thought maybe it was an overreaction. surely you remember, my epic meltdown. but looking back, i was spot-on, and then some. every word was well-deserved, and probably far kinder and more loving than it should have been.

i've considered the ways to articulate, or express, just how angry i am. with you, with me, and especially with the absence of any sort of apology. i'm angry about what was said and done, but even more so about how humiliated i was when i finally got the truth. that all my defenses crumbled, my foolishness was laid clearly before me. it had to come full circle, trickling down to me, as i stood beside you. i'm a failure, a liar, a wreck, a contradiction, on so many levels, but at least i told you who i was.

have you any idea how many people tried to tell me that you and i were mere manipulation? and how many times i said, with conviction, no, you don't understand. despite the insufferable flow from their mouth, they always tell me the truth, listen to me when i tell them to stop, confide in me and i in them, and support me when i really, truly need the help. despite all the things you see or in the case of most, don't see, they would never intentionally hurt me or lie to me.

i was so convinced, and it makes me want to crawl into a hole, or just stop trying with anyone, to learn that those people knew more than i did, despite my vehement defense. this is further compounded by the fact that you haven't apologized, for this or anything else. i have long pondered our philosophies on life; humility and confidence, honesty and reservation, how one finds validation. and while my route isn't the easiest, i'll take how i feel any day over making someone else feel this way.

as far as my future, please, i'm not that desperate.

my best friend.

2008-09-07T23:43:00.000-07:00

and me too.

(p.s. the bracelets really say "don't settle for less" but it was between "settle" and my shot that says "for less." so pretty much i had to decide whether i wanted to represent us as having low standards or as prostitutes. low standards, it was. hah.)

why me.

2008-08-31T09:21:00.000-07:00

today, i discovered a ladies home journal positioned very oddly in our powder room. right next to the sink. but the funny thing is that when i tried to move it, i discovered that it was stuck to the tile. i then saw that the adhesive was a white substance that looked a lot like milk or soap, and then some flakes of cereal. yes, flakes of honey bunches of oats. i quickly confronted my brother about eating (and spilling) his cereal in the bathroom. and not just that. why, after spilling it everywhere, he seemed to think simply covering it with a magazine was a perfectly sufficient way to clean it up. why does someone eat cereal in the bathroom? i wish i could tell you. i ask myself the same question.

at which point, he denied any knowledge of the cereal. i promptly labeled him as a liar, since i'd just seen him eating a bowl of cereal, i've seen him eat it in the bathroom before, there were unmistakable flakes all over, and... plus, he lies all the time. lying all the time equals liar. i told him to clean it up, and he told me what he thought of me, per the usual tradition these days. and clean it up, he did, with a dry paper towel, which was, essentially, no help at all. i discovered this later, and ended up cleaning the dried sugar myself. wow, i was under the impression that i was living with a 17 year-old. i'm pretty sure my 3 year-old kids in taiwan were even capable of cleaning something like that up. or just not eating cereal in the bathroom.

i suppose things would be different if every day weren't another version of the same thing.

the sound you are now hearing is miniature segments of my brain exploding.

just let go.

2008-08-28T18:34:00.000-07:00

there's an old oak tree
we can swing and sway
we'll lock arms and legs, you're so far away
when i look at you, you're so far away
i'm so far away
if you could just let go
-mae

(i really, really, really love mae and i can't stop listening to this song. for realsies.)

home.

2008-08-26T13:36:00.000-07:00

right now, the whole "home" concept is not what i thought it would be. nothing i've ever experienced before, either. but things rarely turn out the way you wish they would or expect them to.

so i suppose it's helpful that jon foreman's "i am still running" came on just when i needed to hear it.
build me a home, inside your scars
build me a home, inside your song
build me a home, inside your open arms
the only place i ever will belong

and as much as i've learned about this over the years, about how You provide home when i need it, i think i need to know this more than ever these days. i'm done with speaking and i'm done with arguing. i'm even done with searching for sympathy in the deepest regions of myself.

and i'm asking You, my Father, please don't forget me now. i need a home.

proud to be an american.

2008-08-20T23:53:00.001-07:00

where working, tax-paying citizens can't get health care.
can you? because 22, working, mostly able-bodied, and as "citizen" as they come, i sure can't.

it's all wearing so very thin right now.

i keep trying to tell myself i'm not angry, but i so am.

2008-08-19T19:48:00.000-07:00

still lazy, and still lame. i keep wanting to believe that maybe i expect too much, but i don't. i really, really don't. why am i so bad at being angry? i could understand it if it didn't bother me anymore, but it does. and i could understand it if i had a poor reason to be, but i don't. or even if it didn't hurt that much, but it does. no matter how many times i've tried to find a loophole in this whole being angry thing, i can't.

which, of course, isn't about just one thing, but about many things, some related and some not, which simply make me tired, angry, and consequently determined.

truly, i was excited to be back, and i like america okay, but i'm realizing how foolish it was to believe that there was anything to be anxious about here. absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it also makes you forget all the important stuff that drove you away in the first place.

and why all the same problems, re-disguised as something far more interesting or forgivable, aren't okay anymore.

prague is in january. and at last i will be away, relieved, past... whatever you call it. because i just can't stand it.
again.

manana.

2008-08-19T00:25:00.000-07:00

i now know why the olympics only happen once every 4 years.

they severely eclipse one's ability to carry on the responsibilities of a grown-up, much less act like one.

though i've gotta say it's a beautiful thing to forget yourself for a few seconds while amazing people like lezak do seemingly impossible things... like chasing down the french. because they had it coming. you forget that it's only a game, that the world is still full of real problems, and that you still have a serious problem with the u.s. government. these things seem trivial while you bounce around the room, screaming for some guy who can't even hear you to GO FASTER!

i maintain that the world could do with more absence of dignity.

i really like hippies that drink starbucks coffee

2008-08-13T13:36:00.000-07:00

despite its big corporation status, some version of hippie is kind of necessary when you work for the bux.

today, a guy came in wearing a "free tibet" shirt. it's a total cliche, but completely true and relevant. i told him i liked his shirt, giving a solidarity fist pump whilst pouring the steamed soy into his chai latte. he reciprocated with a raise of his newly-made drink in my direction, and a "cheers" as he walked out the door.

and i got to thinking that, while they're at it, they should probably free taiwan as well. i think i totally need a shirt for that.

things which do not put me in a good mood.

2008-08-13T01:32:00.000-07:00

when i was 18, some things happened, and after a whole incident that included a truck, i ended up hospitalized but alive.

the sad thing is that the people responsible have more or less told me to shake it off.

and in the grand scheme, some days, like today, have been exceptionally shitty. you see, even though this happened 4 years ago, i spend whole days unable to feel some of my toes. for those who don't know, this has nothing to do with my toes, and everything to do with some nerves and discs in my lower back.

and also, 4 years later, i get rejected by insurance companies, and sometimes, to add insult to injury (literally, hah!), this happens on the same day that my toes are numb.

there's no good way to shake that off.

today really could have been better.

the 4 x 100 swim was epic.

2008-08-11T00:20:00.000-07:00

and also, i'm wondering if michael phelps is looking for a wife. i'd make a great mrs. phelps.

question.

2008-08-04T00:12:00.000-07:00

has nobody in the western world heard of jay chou's secret? oh netflix, how you disappoint me.

androgyny, short hair, cultural beauty, and the severe repercussions of living in taiwan for a year

2008-07-30T23:23:00.001-07:00

since i got back to america, people seem to enjoy making the same crack at me everywhere i go. "what do you think... doesn't joy look a little more asian?" this is promptly followed by a sharp sideways glare that i apparently do so well and sarcastic laughter.

ha. ha. ha. ha.
that's so original.

and up till this point, i didn't think i'd adopted any asian characteristics. firstly, because that's just stupid. secondly, because i'm unmistakably white. and thirdly... did i use the word stupid?

i mean, living in a culture doesn't mean you're going to start to look like the people around you, does it? not physically, anyway. yes, you might start to incorporate their fashion, their culinary tastes, and appreciate their art, but i never thought that one could actually physically, biologically metamorphose to fit one's surroundings.

behold, the glory of my celebrity look-alike collage. i honestly don't know how to feel about this. my initial reaction is that maybe i should be very, very insulted that i supposedly look like jay chou. i mean, i like jay chou's movies. i enjoy his music. i adored (and continue to look for) 不能說的秘密. hell, i respect jay chou. all this aside, however, it does not change the fact that he is a man and i am not.

apparently, i have attributes that are man-like in appearance. i'm not sure where to begin reconciling this. i think the easy thing to do is blame this on my hair, and not the rest of me. at least that saves therapy. in my defense, however, most taiwanese men are more than a little effeminate, and i believe that our friend jay here is no exception. ask chris!

next, i will say that i don't mind looking like whatever japanese pop artist/actress that is, or kelly hu for that matter. in fact, kelly came up as my closest celebrity match when i tried other photos. still shocking that they're both asian and i'm not!

i actually don't mind jesse mccartney that much, either, since i think one could argue that we look like we're related. i'm just sayin!

so, my friends, it seems that androgyny is in fact still alive and well, and my short hair has thrown me into that category. that's ok, i tell myself, because a lot of fantastic artists/actresses/musicians/cultural icons have rocked that look over the years. and also, apparently, i have incorporated the taiwanese cultural standard of beauty into my appearance. i guess i can't get annoyed with those people who say i look more asian anymore. damnit.

...but fuck that joan collins part.

emotional masochism?

2008-07-22T14:19:00.001-07:00

a lot of strange things have happened with me and relationships over the years. when they're good (and most of the time they are) i love to hold onto those memories and feelings any way i can. i stash away letters, pictures, videos, mementos, and anything else that reminds me of how that relationship enrich(es/ed) my life.

but for some reason, when they turn sour, they can't just curdle and be done with it. it has to hurt in a really profound way. that's only happened a few times, sometimes for a good reason and sometimes for reasons i have never understood, but it has always been hard.

this is probably why i was surprised when i came across some pictures from high school. for one reason or another, i'd held onto them; put them away in boxes and select photo albums. as i went through my stuff and tried to figure out what to do with it today, i was struck by how many of those pictures i still had and how much i still wish everything hadn't changed. though i still tell myself that we've got a lot of time, and sometimes, time changes things.

and then there are other, less pleasant, aspects of holding onto such mementos. once upon a time, i went through a break-up that was the hardest thing i've ever had to do. and i've done difficult things. at the time, i couldn't even cope with organizing those memories, so i put all the letters, pictures, cd's, and gifts i'd ever received from him into a large brown envelope. i completely forgot about the envelope, as it was stashed inside a box, and then shoved into the deepest regions of my closet. today, my friends, i uncovered that envelope. looking through all the letters and pictures, i still didn't want to throw them away. i've realized that, over time, your mind starts to make those memories and letters and everything about another person into something else. perhaps it's because moving on is so hard, and maybe impossible if you don't. you have to find a way to make it worse than how you feel, and all the bad things you remember are directly proportional to how much you don't (or didn't) want to get out of bed. or maybe it's because you find new people to fill the gaps, and you forget about why you had those gaps in the first place; why that person was so important to you.

finding all these things was bittersweet for me. it showed me that all those memories weren't as i remembered them at all. and while it hurt a bit to see it all, seemingly frozen in time, immune from all the things that were eventually said and done, i was relieved to find that, in the end, there is nothing to regret.

the smothering immensity of america

2008-07-17T14:40:00.000-07:00

it would not be inaccurate to say that i was ill-prepared for my re-integration into american society. i hadn't given the adjustment much thought, as i've believed myself ready to be home for a while now. i'd prepared myself to leave my children, to be awed by china, to be free in mongolia, to be bored in siberia, and to love moscow despite all the stigmas. after all my hard work and anticipation, i wasn't expecting life in america to be complicated at all, because, let's be honest, it had been 13 months and i was exuberantly ready for mexican food, sunny days, the pacific ocean, affordable starbucks, and my friends. let me first establish that, after having visited various corners of the globe, better weather does not exist outside of southern california. yes, i realize that this depends on your definition of "better," but let me tell you that you cannot count on the sun to shine more regularly and the weather to be more consistent outside of this lovely corner of the world. to return to this, my friends, i am grateful.

all that said, despite people speaking to/at me in english when i'm expecting another language. and despite how much i missed chipotle's vegetarian burritos. and even despite the deeply felt absence of my friends, it's everything i can do to keep my heart from exploding every few hours. not with joy, but because i can feel the anxiety of all things american; all things convenient and large, welling up inside me. at times, i have to slow down, close my eyes, concentrate on simply breathing - or maybe on the hypnotic flashing of the turn signal ahead of me - to simply comprehend the vastness of the very road on which i'm driving. 2 1/2 lanes, a divider, and 2 1/2 going the other way, my mind keeps repeating. i crossed less than that to get to my bus stop on the busiest road in banciao.

the truth of the matter is that i feel crushed by the almost excruciating convenience of modern america. by the fact that i can visit a place like target, one of many other places just like it, and buy myself a snack, tampons, a sweater, the office season 3, laundry detergent, a greeting card, a video game for my brother, and a plant for my mom, everything in one place is all too much to handle. i almost don't know what to do with the rest of my brain's capacity, because all these things required 10x more effort in taipei. i had to go to 7-11 for the snack, cosmed for the tampons, blockbuster for the office, net for a sweater, the little mom and pop shop down the street for my detergent, hess bookstore for the greeting card, ximending for the video game, and the flower market for the plant. thus, i would spend my saturday afternoon doing all the things that i can now easily accomplish in 30 minutes or less without driving more than a mile. and the reason it took my saturday afternoon was because my mornings were spent doing my weekly laundry, which now takes all of 10 seconds and doesn't take 72 hours to still be a little damp yet wearable.

the problem is that all my unused energy, all that void capacity, is being dominated by white noise. by an overwhelming lack of concentration. that i find myself unable to stay focused or on track. that my brain labors beneath the weight of variation and convenience around me, grasping at something to pay attention to, to focus on, to center myself upon, yet inexplicably dazed. i'm distracted by all the music, the signs, the language, the concepts that i understand because i grew up here. i speak the language. fundamentally, all this makes sense to me. but it all gets lost when i see the variations on oreo cookies sprawling before me. i get distracted and confused by how something as simple as an oreo cookie somehow becomes very complicated at the grocery store. do i want the plain ones? double stuff? reverse flavors? and what's all that colored stuff? oh, they make other flavored cookies now. and what size should i get? things get even more confusing when i realize that i also have the option of buying a generic brand. at my local 7-11 so many thousands of miles away, oreos came only one way: 12 cookies at 43NT. nothing special, just plain oreos. i've gotta say that i liked the simplicity of choices. either i wanted the cookies or i didn't, but i didn't feel tormented by options. now, as i look upon the vast array of everything including cookies, i can't remember what i was thinking or why i expected it to be harder than this. and yet i wonder why it is so hard, why america is so bent on testing my decision-making capabilities by putting so many choices in front of me.

more than once this week, i have gone into the cupboard or refrigerator, and simply been overwhelmed by a well-stocked food supply. i've gone to make myself some coffee, but haven't known where to start. my life was simpler, containing such fewer choices during my travels. but in those moments of unbearable plenty, i find i have to close the door and order something at a local restaurant, because there i can at least focus on a specific object, self-contained by its recipe and my blissful lack of control in how it's made.

i feel myself, at times, unable to speak, to think, or even to just be, my brain overstimulated by the sheer vastness of my surroundings. it's true, what they say about things being bigger in america. more cars, and they're all bigger than the ones i've seen since i left. my home street is probably 4 times as wide as my alley in taiwan, which sort of fit a cab if you were lucky. my backyard seems to contain more grass than the whole of taipei. and as for my house, well, i'm kind of blown away by the whole "2 1/2 bathrooms" concept.

i was surprised to find that the hardest part for me was church, where i go to meet my Father who, i have found, meets me in the most surprising and humble places. despite my inability to find a church, He always finds a way to speak to me, even when i'm discouraged or confused or in my loneliest of states. i found Him even when i didn't expect to find Him, atop rinjani in the cold. in the smallest moscow churches, by myself as i plodded along the wall. He romanced me, and reminded me that i am His. even whilst sitting down in the great temple of bangkok, wondering about truth and absolutes, i was certain that my Father heard my confusion and frustration, and He met me, where i was. i could hear Him in the depths of my spirit, and i prayed to my God, while others prayed to theirs. i didn't care, because my God is present everywhere, untamed and unlimited by the compartments to which we assign Him. in fact, it is in these seemingly meaningless nooks of His creation that i seem to hear His voice the loudest. in the utter brokenness of humanity and spirit that His beauty screams from the most deafening and ineffable heights. and yet, when i go to meet Him with others who are looking for Him as well, i can't even concentrate. everything is so big. the building, the message, the lights, the screens, the band, the music. and others around me feel Him and hear Him, and i have always and will always ask myself why i can't hear Him too. the truth is that i need to be prepared in spirit when i come before my God, and strangely, i haven't been able to silence my head or my heart enough to concentrate. perhaps i never was quite cut out for a large church.

i like to think that eventually, i'll get used to all this. that my being with synchronize with my surroundings, and that i will feel once again like i belong in america. whether or not that's what i'm meant to feel is questionable, but i'm trying to be patient.

synchronizing and feeling is perhaps too much to expect. so for right now, i'll just focus on breathing.

what's your mosaic?

2008-07-16T15:30:00.000-07:00

i came across this concept on a friend's blog. it's a personality mosaic. i absolutely loved the idea.

here's how it works:
1. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
2. Using only the first page of results, pick one image.
3. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into Big Huge Lab’s Mosaic Maker to create a mosaic of the picture answers.

the questions:
1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food? right now?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. What is your favourite drink?
7. What is your dream vacation?
8. What is your favourite dessert?
9. What do you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. What is one word that describes you?
12. What is your flickr name? (since i don't have a flickr name, i typed in my blog name instead)

what does your mosaic say about you?

the shadow proves the sunshine

2008-07-13T12:24:00.000-07:00

i knew it was going to be hard, but i wasn't prepared for this.

i'm in way over my head.

13 months later.

2008-07-11T01:25:00.000-07:00

i'm back in the states, yet i haven't mastered the art of ordering food in english. this could take a while.

finding validation.

2008-07-01T23:50:00.001-07:00

once upon a time, a guy broke up with me (or claimed to break up with me) out of apathy. because he simply didn't care enough about me... who i was and what i did wasn't enough to generate him caring... i believe "mediocrity" was the word he used for me... though i've worked so hard to purge the memory that i might be mistaken.

and for a while, once upon a time, i actually believed that there was some truth to all the things he said. i racked my brain trying to figure out all the things i'd done wrong. and as hard as i worked, i couldn't escape the realization that, no this wasn't a dream, someone actually said that to me.

ultimately, what it made me was angry, and that anger later led to determination. and probably some form of bitterness and apathy. i don't really know, but i worry more about looking ahead than back.

and suddenly, maybe today or yesterday or even a few weeks ago, i felt as though i woke up. as though this past year hit me all at once. my year of chinese and countless responsibilities, my beautiful children. of moving away and fitting in, of making friends with people i love deeply, from all sorts of different backgrounds and lifestyles. of seeing the great wall before i died and finally making it to russia, and making more friends along the way. and despite how awful he made me feel about a social circle at starbucks... because apparently i was supposed to think myself above all my friends there... how many times those friends have e-mailed me to cheer me on... encouraged me to think big and fight hard to achieve all the things i want.

methinks my year has been beyond spectacular. all my fears have slowly been vanquished by success and all the people i love have slowly helped me find all the pieces of myself. i've learned that deep, meaningful love is measured in more ways than one and manifests itself in countless others.

2 years in dating exile and i've learned a lot about what it means to find one's own validation.

yeah, that break-up was bullshit.

96 hours.

2008-06-28T17:01:00.000-07:00

think for a second about the past 96 hours of your life. what did you do? go to work? see friends? sleep? cook a nutritious meal? shower?

well, i am telling you right now that i have never quite appreciated the immensity of 96 hours until this past week. that's right, folks. i spent an entire 96 hours on a train from ulaanbatar to moscow WITH NO SHOWER. at first, this seemed like a paltry sum of time, but let me tell you... after about 6 rounds of chess, one ass-whooping in poker (i beat all the boys, p.s.), 2 books, 1 movie, 24 hours on my ipod, pictures, 2 nights of drinking because, seriously, there was NOTHING better to do!, 2 subsequent hangovers, and more junk food than i ever care to remember, 96 hours is, in fact, a significant amount of time.

for a while, i was beginning to think i actually lived on that train.

jumping pictures in front of st. basils and other good things to come later. always.

asia overland

2008-06-19T07:42:00.000-07:00

i don't have much time here, but i will say that it's hard to believe i left taipei less than a week ago. currently, i am in an internet cafe in ulaanbatar, mongolia. tomorrow we leave for our ger camps, about 7 hours away.

since i arrived, i have seen the great wall, the forbidden city, tiananmen square, the summer palace, and a smattering of other places in and around beijing. i met up with my tour, a compilation of people from australia, england, and scotland. i am the only american in the group. this never happens. they're all fantastic, a truly pleasant group to travel with.

we spent the past 2 days on a train from beijing to ulaanbatar. about 36 hours. it was simultaneously pleasant and wretched. not because the train was particularly uncomfortable, but the incurable boredom! we read, played board games, took naps, and had many a discussion. yet this is nothing, considering that we will be on trains a full 72 hours next week. yikes.

i could say oh so much more, but time's a tickin' and i don't have much of it! love, peace, and all the rest.

i said goodbye

2008-06-13T08:59:00.000-07:00

today, i thought i was going to make it without crying. i got through k2 barely phased. i hugged them all and told them how much i love them. they're my pride and joy, my legacy, my crown jewel, those k2 kids.

then on to k4, where they sang a song for me and gave me hugs. still nothing.

at lunch, the teachers threw me a party. they each bought me an individual present, though i had to earn it. also, i might add, this party was complete with zhenzhu naicha (my favorite), zhi pie (my other favorite!), cheese cake (my favorite dessert!), and gold watermelon! wow, they know me so well! am i really that transparent? but i still held on.

i had a party with g2, but most of them cried the whole time. i couldn't help but think to myself... this has to be the worst party ever, with all these sobbing children. i cried a little.

then came s4, the mother load. i had planned to simply make some root beer floats with them because they'd find it fun and we'd be silly. but my chinese teacher apparently had a very different idea, as they wouldn't let me in when i went to get some supplies. when they finally opened the door, all my children were lined up with neon bracelets singing "please and thank you, these are the magic words..."
after that, they played "ode to joy" for me on their recorders! no joke!
then we played a game. i'd pick a name out of a bag, they'd all look at it, then i'd have to ask questions to guess who the child was. when i found them, they had to stand up and say something nice to me "thank you, teacher joy..." etc etc. then they reversed it. each child had a piece of the class letter and a number. i had to pick a number. they'd stand, give me the piece, and i'd say something personal to them. i got through most of them all right, but then we got to the ones that i've spent the greater part of my year yelling at. it's a funny thing, that yelling, because they didn't even want me to say something to them... they just started to cry uncontrollably. when this happened, i lost it and found myself sobbing in front of all these kids. apparently, the crying continued long after class was over. i don't know why that broke my heart. i guess they know i love them despite the yelling.

notes 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7

2008-06-11T04:29:00.000-07:00

fyi:
it is entirely possible to yell at kids every day for a year, and still feel like part of your soul is being chipped away when you say goodbye. you WILL find 3 year-olds to be both completely intolerable and completely incredible. elementary students and the speeches they give WILL put your education to shame. and beating all the boys in arm wrestling WILL make you "so cool," just like it did growing up... and ultimately, for no apparent reason, this will restore peace to your classroom. the unexpected side effect is that you will also be convinced that, one day, you want to have a whole bunch of sons.

if you bring your steve madden pumps to taipei, they will not fare well because the unearthly substance they use as tile caulk in the mrt will destroy the heel, and you WILL end up dropping them into a community recycling bin along with the other 90% of your wardrobe. oh, my heart. it hurts.

doing too many things at once WILL make you forget even the most habitual tasks: finishing your bi-monthly report cards. turning off the light when you leave your apartment.
and also, the air conditioning.

the post office will never be open when you need it to be.

and the cute starbucks barista who speaks english but never asked you out because he's too intimidated will tell you that he's going to "very miss you."

note 2

2008-06-10T08:52:00.000-07:00

fyi:
visiting a gyno in taiwan is just as equally awkward as visiting one back in the states. yikes.

and they WILL charge you 500NT to get a routine test because you're "too young."

note

2008-06-08T08:51:00.000-07:00

fyi:
packing to traipse the globe + quitting job + moving = AHHHHHHHH!

p.s. going to the dentist cost me all of nothing this weekend. this is either because of the insurance or because i work as usas. they remembered me from all those trips with the kids.
still. huzzah!

"miss meckes... i'm sorry, but you have hepatitis b."

2008-06-06T22:13:00.001-07:00

"it's nothing i haven't heard before."
or so the saying goes.

one thing i really love about taiwanese health care is that doctors generally believe in the body's natural defenses. unlike back home, where we pump ourselves with over-the-counter medication, vaccines, antibiotics, and prescription drugs, the taiwanese are very wary of putting foreign agents into our bodies. i've been hard-pressed to find cough syrup, niquil, ibuprofin, or even aspirin. in fact, i brought most of those supplies, and the closest i've gotten here are multivitamins and those packets of vitamin c that you mix in with hot water and drink when you're sick. i know, it seems cruel for women to live without ibuprofin, but their solution to those unbearable cramps is to simply drink more warm liquids. i have tested this theory over the course of a month, and it actually works. i'm a believer in luke-warm water these days. but upon visiting doctors, they usually try to find other alternatives to your problems. herbs. getting more sleep. less stress in your life. staying warmer.

i've learned to appreciate the simplicity of those solutions. back home, i found myself merely wanting a pill that would allow me to live the exact same way, when the obvious solution was to just slow down.

naturally, their reluctance to putting medicine into your system also translates to things like x-rays and, of course, vaccinations. wow, my mom would love it here.

that's why, when i came calling to a local clinic looking for my hepatitis booster shots, they suggested that i DON'T get them. really? i thought. because i'm supposed to. it's what i read on the who website. though they also told me to get the japanese e. vaccine, and NOBODY carries it! "it only boosts you another 5%, maybe. and you're young and healthy. we should just check your antibody count. if they're high enough, it won't even be necessary for a month of travel. and as for japanese e., they only have that for children. at 22, if you don't already have it, it's unlikely that you'll get it." when all was said and done and he'd answered all my questions, i consented to simply checking my antibodies and going from there. besides, checking the antibody count was expensive enough... i can't imagine what they'd charge me for the actual vaccines. and by expensive, i mean all of $20. welcome to national health care.

he drew some blood and told me to come back after three days to see the result. because of my job, i didn't get back until today. another doctor was in, but he also spoke english. he took me into the back, glanced at my chart, took a breath and told me i have hepatitis b.

".....i have hepatitis b?" i asked.
"yes. you have it," he confirmed.

suddenly, my mouth went dry, my heart raced, and my entire experience in taiwan flashed before my eyes. how is that even possible? i thought. is that even possible? i've led an almost painfully celibate life... i don't even have someone to cuddle with during a movie, and you're telling me that somehow i contracted a disease that is, by and large, mostly passed on through sexual intercourse?!?! now what? i wondered. treatment? is it treatable? should i go back to america right now? can i go back to america? were those previous shots worth crap? did they malfunction and give me the disease instead of protecting me? i know that if it's unlikely to happen, it will probably happen to me, but COME ON! my luck can't possibly be that bad!

"oh, i'm sorry! i was thinking antigen... this is your antibody count. no, you're fine! your antibody levels are very high. you don't need another shot."
"oh my goodness, you scared me."
"haha! sorry! don't worry about getting it when you travel. you're very healthy."

at least i managed to laugh a little afterwards.

but son of a b. he really had me for a second there.

mommy! mommy! look! it's a waiguoren!

2008-06-04T06:37:00.000-07:00

"their bark is worse than their bite."
or so the saying goes.

i suppose that's fortunate for many taiwanese people. actually, my taiwanese friends have told me that we foreigners are nicer than we ought to be.

after being in taiwan a year, i've learned to live by a "go with the flow" kind of lifestyle. in general, most things have completely stopped bothering me. rabid dog? almost got hit by a scooter? oh, dead cockroach on the restaurant floor? it's all part of being here.

one thing i have never quite accepted, however, is being stared at. taiwan has made me extremely aware of how white i am. even more aware than new cross, and that's saying a lot! children stare at me wide-eyed. they point... waiguoren! i want to say, 'kid i know what you're saying!' but i just keep on walking. and i wouldn't mind the kids if adults, real adults, didn't stare at me so often. sometimes, on mrts or buses, they'll switch seats when i sit down. most of the time, they'll just skip over me and sit next to another taiwanese person. and on very rare occasions, they'll come to sit down, have a glance at me, process for a good second that i'm a waiguoren, then choose to stand instead. i can almost see the inner debate... stand or sit next to her? stand or sit next to her.... errrrrrr.... stand!

in such situations, there's really a mutual discomfort going on.

for being such naturally shy people, however, i'm amazed by how often i've been approached for random things. several times, i've been offered a job. on occasion, people have asked me questions about my culture or my experience in taiwan for a school assignment. and a few times, people have simply asked me to be their friend, usually because they want to practice their english. the first and third have always seemed silly to me, because for all they know, i could be psychotic.

but the best and funniest incident happened over the weekend. i went on an outing south of taipei with the teachers at my school. we saw a famous waterfall, wrote our wishes on balloons and sent them into the sky, ate a lot of taiwanese food, and generally just got some cleaner air.

and somewhere along the line, this happened:

now the strange thing about this situation was not that complete strangers asked allison and me to take a picture with them. that's a very common thing. rather, i found it unique that they were all guys. i've gotta say that after spending a significant amount of time here, that has happened to me all of ZERO times before. most taiwanese men react to me in one of the following ways:
1. invisibility
2. apathy
3. sheer terror

look. laugh. be envious.

juno

2008-06-02T04:39:00.000-07:00

"it's not you, it's me."
or so the saying goes.

i finally got to see juno this weekend. after months of hearing good things and no premiere date in sight, it finally came out in taipei.
most of the time, i don't go to movies unless someone suggests it to me. i'm not sure why this is. also, english films are intolerably loud here. geez, if we weren't deaf before we started watching, we certainly are now!

i've gotta say that i expected more. of what, i'm not sure. it was sweet and enjoyable and awkward like teenage romance tends to be, but maybe i just wanted a more profound experience. or message.
i really liked the soundtrack, though.

surely, dickens was referring to s4

2008-05-18T08:50:00.000-07:00

"it was the best of times; it was the worst of times"
or so the saying goes.

most people have heard of my ongoing, and i daresay epic, war of wills with the children usas refers to as "s4." they range from grades 2-4, and every day is its own private bevy of madness. i seldom let people in, because i feel that it's a government nobody else could understand, nestled somewhere between a loving community and absolute anarchy. some days, i feel like i have my very own, fully taiwanese and completely awkward version of the partridge family, where everybody loves everybody else at the end of the day. and others, i feel like i'm waging a war.

my boss gave me the opportunity to give them up this semester, when all the classes changed. chris and i had to make a choice, and as much as they drive me crazy, i chose to keep them. there are days when i rejoice in the brilliance of my decision and days when i almost can't handle the misery anymore.

i couldn't tell you how many times i've trouble-shooted(shot?) this class with my co-workers. investigated discipline options. organized and reorganized the class. but ultimately it comes down to how i relate to them and how they relate to me. some of it was fixable and some of it was not, no matter what happens or who teaches the class. as it turns out, some kids who are trouble when they're three are still trouble when they're in third grade.

last week, i had to punish two of them for singing "down by the bay" while everyone was trying to write in their books. which isn't a big deal, except one was singing the verse and the other was singing the repeats. i can almost guarantee that they didn't plan it out. they just thought it was a good idea at the time. one started, and the other followed suit. and i would have been angrier, if it hadn't been so funny. i sent them outside for the chinese teacher to deal with them, mostly because i was afraid i'd laugh if i had to punish them myself. i told chris about it the next day, and asked him how he felt about it. is it me? sometimes, they have the capacity to feel like an absolute failure as a teacher and as a disciplinarian. and others, they lift my spirits. i find them funny, sweet, completely endearing. my boss has told me that the most important thing is that i haven't given up on all the kids who have worn the previous teachers out. really, she once told me, you're the only one who hasn't given up on them.

but he probably made me feel the best, when, after my anecdote and expression of frustration, he interjected "you know they really love you," he said. "that's why they do those things." silence. i think to myself, if they loved me, they'd keep my commandments, wouldn't they? "well, what i mean is, they don't do it just because they love to drive you crazy. they love that it's you."

you think so? really, deep down, i'm going to miss s4. i'm so strangely proud of them. proud of their absurdity. of their inability to sit still. of our inside jokes. that every time someone is singing loudly in the halls or making a commotion, i can say, "i think that's one of mine." and i'm always right about that.

here is a picture of us when we've actually pulled it together enough to be super class. and i feel that it pretty much sums us up.

be sure to survey the splendor of my required school uniform.

oh snap

2008-05-18T04:38:00.000-07:00

i have 20 more days of work. 20! one month from today, i will be traipsing through the absolute middle of nowhere, asia. the cusp of civilization... oh, i'm so excited. i mostly want to see if the sky gets any bluer than that.

apparently, russia approved my visa. which is great. even though it took 4 weeks.

i spent today in fulong. it's always weird to see the pacific from the other side. i keep hoping that it's bluer or warmer or that maybe it smells different here, but it's the same. and maybe that's why i love it so much.

this past week was strange. we're down to only women at work. i suddenly have seniority. and i got absurdly ill on thursday. it was a fever and a cold or something, but mostly, i think it was pure, uninhibited, unadulterated exhaustion. and it knocked me flat for nearly 24 hours. i don't think i've ever slept that much.

also, chinese medicine is amazing.
but it tastes like ground chalk.
and goes down just as smoothly.

when sad, i find it often works to buy something you don't need

2008-05-11T05:48:00.000-07:00

okay, just because i bought myself an ipod nano doesn't mean i'm not sad that chris left today. wow, double-negatives.

it's been about 6 months since my ipod died, and i finally broke down and bought myself a replacement. i figure... i could get 80gb, but i don't bloody need 80gb. come to think of it, nobody needs that much! this thing carries 1,000 songs. i could listen to it all the way from ulaanbatar to moscow and probably still have space leftover. i think i'm set.

today was a little weird. i went to the jade market to pick up my awesome stamp, engraved with my chinese name. i could only stay a short time, though, because all the green almost made me suffer a seizure. bought travel guides. slept. did my laundry. walked around because the sun was out. shopped. bought my nano.

and spent an unusual amount of time laughing.

i said yesterday that i really have nothing to complain about. which is funny, since i spend a lot of time complaining. or maybe reflecting. i don't know! but truthfully, all things have culminated in God putting me right here, and that's bigger than anything i ever imagined for myself.

but seriously, i just laughed today, for a lot of reasons. as a going away present, chris wrote me a letter, crammed with a lot of things, one of them being advice. and one piece of advice in particular about dating. encouragement, if you will. a reminder that i'm really good at selling myself short. as i normally do, i took the things he said and thought about them. sometimes i conclude that he's a jerk and proceed to tell him so, but most of the time, they're just harsh truths. i went online, where little reminders about my past dating choices popped up around me. so i thought about it. about the circumstances and what it did to me and what i became. and i just laughed, because it actually hurt as much as it did at the time. at the absurdity. not that all my choices or the fact that it hurt at the time were absurd. but a few, yes. and that, to me, today, was funny.

remind me to stop selling myself short.

that one time

2008-05-10T03:52:00.000-07:00

"...think it'll be all right if i never leave my apartment till i'm old?"
-holly, p.s. i love you

a recent topic of interest has been pain that makes you wish that you could die. i'm not talking about physical trauma. i'm talking about disembodied pain, the kind that is so far inside you that you wish you could go tear it out, though you wouldn't know where to start.

i mean, people die for physical reasons all the time. something inside you stops working, and thus, you stop working. it may or may not hurt so much that sleep or unconsciousness or maybe even death are preferred. but for many, if you lie there or do what you're told long enough, that pain goes away.

but we explored this a little further: can you ever die of a broken heart, of actual emotional pain? most have heard the disembodied voice, the one from that indefinable part of yourself that screams that something is very, very wrong.

i spent a summer incapacitated. i went to work because i had to, ate because i had to, and planned my semester because i had to. and once in a while, i even smiled, because of the people in my life. and though i kept on moving, i can attest that there were days, weeks, even months that i woke up and didn't want to move. that i wished that i could just lie there as long as it took for whatever thing that was broken inside me to heal.

right now, i feel that way. i wish i could go to sleep for a few days or weeks, and wake up when it doesn't hurt anymore. i'm spent. i just want to call into work and ask if i can come back in a week, after not moving for the next 7 days. surely, it can't hurt that much then. i go to sleep to stop from hurting and wake up feeling like i hadn't slept at all.

can't i, please?