thanksgiving.

i have a confession. i love... no... love american holidays. i think that they are the best holidays ever. nothing makes me miss home like missing a good, old-fashioned american tradition. in fact, i can tell you a number of sad, lonely tales about what i did on my favorite holidays of the year.
for example, last fourth of july, i spent the day exploring st. petersburg, and the night waiting in a station for the longest and most uncomfortable bus ride you can probably imagine. twelve hours from petersburg to riga, with one stop in estonia in the bloody dead of night. i did discover that it eventually gets dark that time of year, however, but only for 2 hours. and for those who don't know, the fourth of july is my second-favorite holiday. just after christmas. so you may as well call it my very favorite holiday.



despite my lonely tales, i will tell you this: one of my favorite thanksgivings was last year, the first one at kate and caroline's... and the one that followed with the mormons. it wasn't perfect. no fancy china or sitting at a large table while everyone gave thanks, and on one occasion, no turkey! actually, i think there were even canadians and kiwis at these events, too. but the joy and the welcoming and the warmth of the whole thing made me feel like i was at home again. for the first thanksgiving, possibly ever, i felt that i had something monumental to be grateful for. i had a family, despite having no family. i wasn't lonely, despite how very lonely i had been. i know, i know, normally we thank God for the big and the small, the meaningful and the insignificant... that's what the holiday is for. but this one, somehow, was different. i suppose that i'd felt so much of what it means to lose, or give up, what was important and comfortable to me, only to be provided for in abundance in such a very foreign place.



these days, i'm totally loving thanksgiving.

win, fail, ?

a few things:
i heard back from the school in prague. they've accepted me into their program, sans interview.
win!
i think i'm getting ill, and have been for a few weeks now.
fail.
i loved wicked.
win!
some avenues seem promising (win!) but don't seem to go anywhere of significance (fail)
prague means that i will be leaving work this winter. this also means leaving all manner of pleasantness and unpleasantness behind.
?
i had a startling, vivid dream last night. about last year, that mountaintop in indonesia, and terrible things that happened in my dream, though not in real life.
???

on the road.

lately, i've decided to ride my astoundingly agile scooter to and from work. sure it's about 3 miles away, but i enjoy the weather and the quality time with my ipod, thoughts, and the fall colors. fall is my favorite, probably for no other reason than the colors themselves. i enjoy warm things: deep reds, forest greens, and especially browns. i used to think of brown as a bastard child of better colors, but lately i've begun to think it's very misunderstood. it has the uncanny ability to make me think of all the things i love about being alive, like hugs or shivering or coffee or scarves or wine or giggling in hushed voices because it's much too late and much too quiet; but we don't stop because there's so much to say and i love you so much more than sleep.

and while i generally use the time just to think about my plans or imagine what might have been, it's been the source of much illumination these days.
for those who don't know, though it's likely you've never met me before if this is the case, i have a strange, inexplicable obsession with jack's mannequin. or maybe it's andrew mcmahon, i'm not sure which. though he's married these days. and he used to write extremely spiteful songs about being in high school and kissing girls. stop judging me!
but on my walk home, i think i may have solved the mystery of my attachment! it really has everything to do with how distinctly californian the music is. most of it is about southern california - living here, loving here, leaving here. all things california. and it actually makes me in love with being here, and so much less anxious to leave as soon as possible. california isn't dirty or noisy or polluted anymore, because andrew describes it how it is, but with such affection that it becomes something much more beautiful than that.
here are some images of my home and why, on occasion, i really do love it.











you'll be missed, miss california
we'll be married in the rain...



the other day, instead of listening to my sweet tunes while taking my even sweeter ride, i just walked. as i flipped through songs, the classic "an american girl" by the indomitable tom petty came on. firstly, let me just state that i adore tom petty.
and secondly, i want to know how it's possible that, though i've heard this song dozens of times (DOZENS), i haven't actually related to it until now?
well she was an american girl
raised on promises
she couldn't help thinkin that there
was a little more to life
somewhere else
after all it was a great big world
with lots of places to run to
yeah, and if she had to die
tryin' she had one little promise
she was gonna keep

oh yeah, all right
take it easy baby
make it last all night
she was an american girl

it was kind of cold that night
she stood alone on her balcony
she could the cars roll by
out on 441
like waves crashin' in the beach
and for one desperate moment there
he crept back in her memory
God it's so painful
something that's so close
and still so far out of reach

oh yeah, all right
take it easy baby
make it last all night
she was an american girl

i won't dissect them for you, and yes, i know that there are other meanings, many of them not so positive. but the one i inferred while listening to it struck a chord that i haven't felt in a long, long time, and i suppose i'd rather dwell on that.

that, and the shades of red that the trees are turning these days.

lattes aren't worth it.

a few days ago, i had excruciating pain in all the knuckles in my right hand. i'm not someone who typically bows to pain. i deal with pain. i'm good with pain. but that was bad enough to distract me. and today, my elbow, the right one of course, is the problem.

i'm almost certain that starbucks is giving me carpal tunnel syndrome.
damn frappuccinos.

sleep

i think that, tonight, i will sleep much better than i have in a long while.

thank You, for taking this away from me.
i'm really glad that You're a whole lot of things that i'm not.

personality tests

lately, my family has taken a number of personality tests, partially because it'd be good for us and partially out of curiosity.

i have recently discovered that i am a blue-white, very nearly a blue-white-yellow.

and also that i am an enfp. more importantly, i also learned that, as such, i am typically attracted to intp's and infj's.

somehow, this explains a great deal, about me, and about the hims i seem to choose.

i really wish i'd known this a year ago.
or three.
or maybe even five.




to be honest, i'm very tired of hurting, and really i just wish it would all go away. this week marks 60 days, and i am saddened to find that, on occasion, i still feel compelled to cry. i'd like to think i've forgiven, because being unable to do so is only going to hurt me - slowly eat away at me so that i remember nothing about him but my own bitterness. this would be unjust as, truly, i mostly felt much, much sweeter things than bitterness. some things, more deeply, wildly, and beautifully than i ever thought i could again. and others, more painfully and recklessly than i'd ever hoped to revisit after the one that took me a year to extract.
despite all this, i have no desire to utter that forgiveness, much less express it in a meaningful way. still, part of me feels that the dreams, the nervous twitching, or maybe even that sick feeling i get at the bottom of my stomach when i uncover that letter or those entries will go away if i do. the other part of me, however, believes that any utterance will only be disregarded, or un-reciprocated, or worse, criticized. that somehow, the whole thing will be concluded to be my own fault, and i, being ever-true to form, will accept the blame. it's hard to say which course of action is more unbearable, but even more difficult to admit that the reason i refuse to act is because i'm sure i'll cave. and i absolutely cannot cave, because, i know, absolutely, that it wasn't my fault, and even more absolutely, that i can't take the humiliation again. blessed are the poor in spirit, He said, for they shall be filled. i don't know that i'm ready to feel that poor again before i wait for You to fill me up. i don't think i even have the capacity for that kind of humility anymore.

to the sleepless, this is my reply, i'll write you a lullaby

i've been having strange, unusual dreams. and many of them, somehow, someway, including senegal. that's a small country on the western african seaboard.


why senegal? this had better not be like that island on lost willing people to come to it and all.

i'm only kidding.
sort of.

voting.

apparently, people will come out of the woodwork for a free cup of coffee.

and apparently, there really are more obnoxious people than i thought.

and for the love of God, no, you cannot substitute a small cup of coffee for a large frappuccino. on what planet does that seem like an even substitution?

january. january.

what happens when i mess around

i was playing, and once i'd made one character, i discovered it only took a few minutes to create more! i'm afraid i didn't have time to do everybody i know, but clearly, i had fun.

let's start with me, amidst my traipsing


layce, in london, looking fabulous


nichole. she's about to experience some serious cold.


m-b, catalina style.


ed, doing what he does best.


a.c.


kirsten. if i could have added a baby in here, i would have.


oh, nicole


my brother, an intellectual ninja.


and my favorite... the furious white boy!