the smothering immensity of america

it would not be inaccurate to say that i was ill-prepared for my re-integration into american society. i hadn't given the adjustment much thought, as i've believed myself ready to be home for a while now. i'd prepared myself to leave my children, to be awed by china, to be free in mongolia, to be bored in siberia, and to love moscow despite all the stigmas. after all my hard work and anticipation, i wasn't expecting life in america to be complicated at all, because, let's be honest, it had been 13 months and i was exuberantly ready for mexican food, sunny days, the pacific ocean, affordable starbucks, and my friends. let me first establish that, after having visited various corners of the globe, better weather does not exist outside of southern california. yes, i realize that this depends on your definition of "better," but let me tell you that you cannot count on the sun to shine more regularly and the weather to be more consistent outside of this lovely corner of the world. to return to this, my friends, i am grateful.

all that said, despite people speaking to/at me in english when i'm expecting another language. and despite how much i missed chipotle's vegetarian burritos. and even despite the deeply felt absence of my friends, it's everything i can do to keep my heart from exploding every few hours. not with joy, but because i can feel the anxiety of all things american; all things convenient and large, welling up inside me. at times, i have to slow down, close my eyes, concentrate on simply breathing - or maybe on the hypnotic flashing of the turn signal ahead of me - to simply comprehend the vastness of the very road on which i'm driving. 2 1/2 lanes, a divider, and 2 1/2 going the other way, my mind keeps repeating. i crossed less than that to get to my bus stop on the busiest road in banciao.

the truth of the matter is that i feel crushed by the almost excruciating convenience of modern america. by the fact that i can visit a place like target, one of many other places just like it, and buy myself a snack, tampons, a sweater, the office season 3, laundry detergent, a greeting card, a video game for my brother, and a plant for my mom, everything in one place is all too much to handle. i almost don't know what to do with the rest of my brain's capacity, because all these things required 10x more effort in taipei. i had to go to 7-11 for the snack, cosmed for the tampons, blockbuster for the office, net for a sweater, the little mom and pop shop down the street for my detergent, hess bookstore for the greeting card, ximending for the video game, and the flower market for the plant. thus, i would spend my saturday afternoon doing all the things that i can now easily accomplish in 30 minutes or less without driving more than a mile. and the reason it took my saturday afternoon was because my mornings were spent doing my weekly laundry, which now takes all of 10 seconds and doesn't take 72 hours to still be a little damp yet wearable.

the problem is that all my unused energy, all that void capacity, is being dominated by white noise. by an overwhelming lack of concentration. that i find myself unable to stay focused or on track. that my brain labors beneath the weight of variation and convenience around me, grasping at something to pay attention to, to focus on, to center myself upon, yet inexplicably dazed. i'm distracted by all the music, the signs, the language, the concepts that i understand because i grew up here. i speak the language. fundamentally, all this makes sense to me. but it all gets lost when i see the variations on oreo cookies sprawling before me. i get distracted and confused by how something as simple as an oreo cookie somehow becomes very complicated at the grocery store. do i want the plain ones? double stuff? reverse flavors? and what's all that colored stuff? oh, they make other flavored cookies now. and what size should i get? things get even more confusing when i realize that i also have the option of buying a generic brand. at my local 7-11 so many thousands of miles away, oreos came only one way: 12 cookies at 43NT. nothing special, just plain oreos. i've gotta say that i liked the simplicity of choices. either i wanted the cookies or i didn't, but i didn't feel tormented by options. now, as i look upon the vast array of everything including cookies, i can't remember what i was thinking or why i expected it to be harder than this. and yet i wonder why it is so hard, why america is so bent on testing my decision-making capabilities by putting so many choices in front of me.

more than once this week, i have gone into the cupboard or refrigerator, and simply been overwhelmed by a well-stocked food supply. i've gone to make myself some coffee, but haven't known where to start. my life was simpler, containing such fewer choices during my travels. but in those moments of unbearable plenty, i find i have to close the door and order something at a local restaurant, because there i can at least focus on a specific object, self-contained by its recipe and my blissful lack of control in how it's made.

i feel myself, at times, unable to speak, to think, or even to just be, my brain overstimulated by the sheer vastness of my surroundings. it's true, what they say about things being bigger in america. more cars, and they're all bigger than the ones i've seen since i left. my home street is probably 4 times as wide as my alley in taiwan, which sort of fit a cab if you were lucky. my backyard seems to contain more grass than the whole of taipei. and as for my house, well, i'm kind of blown away by the whole "2 1/2 bathrooms" concept.

i was surprised to find that the hardest part for me was church, where i go to meet my Father who, i have found, meets me in the most surprising and humble places. despite my inability to find a church, He always finds a way to speak to me, even when i'm discouraged or confused or in my loneliest of states. i found Him even when i didn't expect to find Him, atop rinjani in the cold. in the smallest moscow churches, by myself as i plodded along the wall. He romanced me, and reminded me that i am His. even whilst sitting down in the great temple of bangkok, wondering about truth and absolutes, i was certain that my Father heard my confusion and frustration, and He met me, where i was. i could hear Him in the depths of my spirit, and i prayed to my God, while others prayed to theirs. i didn't care, because my God is present everywhere, untamed and unlimited by the compartments to which we assign Him. in fact, it is in these seemingly meaningless nooks of His creation that i seem to hear His voice the loudest. in the utter brokenness of humanity and spirit that His beauty screams from the most deafening and ineffable heights. and yet, when i go to meet Him with others who are looking for Him as well, i can't even concentrate. everything is so big. the building, the message, the lights, the screens, the band, the music. and others around me feel Him and hear Him, and i have always and will always ask myself why i can't hear Him too. the truth is that i need to be prepared in spirit when i come before my God, and strangely, i haven't been able to silence my head or my heart enough to concentrate. perhaps i never was quite cut out for a large church.

i like to think that eventually, i'll get used to all this. that my being with synchronize with my surroundings, and that i will feel once again like i belong in america. whether or not that's what i'm meant to feel is questionable, but i'm trying to be patient.

synchronizing and feeling is perhaps too much to expect. so for right now, i'll just focus on breathing.

13 months later.

i'm back in the states, yet i haven't mastered the art of ordering food in english. this could take a while.

finding validation.

once upon a time, a guy broke up with me (or claimed to break up with me) out of apathy. because he simply didn't care enough about me... who i was and what i did wasn't enough to generate him caring... i believe "mediocrity" was the word he used for me... though i've worked so hard to purge the memory that i might be mistaken.

and for a while, once upon a time, i actually believed that there was some truth to all the things he said. i racked my brain trying to figure out all the things i'd done wrong. and as hard as i worked, i couldn't escape the realization that, no this wasn't a dream, someone actually said that to me.

ultimately, what it made me was angry, and that anger later led to determination. and probably some form of bitterness and apathy. i don't really know, but i worry more about looking ahead than back.

and suddenly, maybe today or yesterday or even a few weeks ago, i felt as though i woke up. as though this past year hit me all at once. my year of chinese and countless responsibilities, my beautiful children. of moving away and fitting in, of making friends with people i love deeply, from all sorts of different backgrounds and lifestyles. of seeing the great wall before i died and finally making it to russia, and making more friends along the way. and despite how awful he made me feel about a social circle at starbucks... because apparently i was supposed to think myself above all my friends there... how many times those friends have e-mailed me to cheer me on... encouraged me to think big and fight hard to achieve all the things i want.

methinks my year has been beyond spectacular. all my fears have slowly been vanquished by success and all the people i love have slowly helped me find all the pieces of myself. i've learned that deep, meaningful love is measured in more ways than one and manifests itself in countless others.

2 years in dating exile and i've learned a lot about what it means to find one's own validation.

yeah, that break-up was bullshit.

"miss meckes... i'm sorry, but you have hepatitis b."

"it's nothing i haven't heard before."
or so the saying goes.

one thing i really love about taiwanese health care is that doctors generally believe in the body's natural defenses. unlike back home, where we pump ourselves with over-the-counter medication, vaccines, antibiotics, and prescription drugs, the taiwanese are very wary of putting foreign agents into our bodies. i've been hard-pressed to find cough syrup, niquil, ibuprofin, or even aspirin. in fact, i brought most of those supplies, and the closest i've gotten here are multivitamins and those packets of vitamin c that you mix in with hot water and drink when you're sick. i know, it seems cruel for women to live without ibuprofin, but their solution to those unbearable cramps is to simply drink more warm liquids. i have tested this theory over the course of a month, and it actually works. i'm a believer in luke-warm water these days. but upon visiting doctors, they usually try to find other alternatives to your problems. herbs. getting more sleep. less stress in your life. staying warmer.

i've learned to appreciate the simplicity of those solutions. back home, i found myself merely wanting a pill that would allow me to live the exact same way, when the obvious solution was to just slow down.

naturally, their reluctance to putting medicine into your system also translates to things like x-rays and, of course, vaccinations. wow, my mom would love it here.

that's why, when i came calling to a local clinic looking for my hepatitis booster shots, they suggested that i DON'T get them. really? i thought. because i'm supposed to. it's what i read on the who website. though they also told me to get the japanese e. vaccine, and NOBODY carries it! "it only boosts you another 5%, maybe. and you're young and healthy. we should just check your antibody count. if they're high enough, it won't even be necessary for a month of travel. and as for japanese e., they only have that for children. at 22, if you don't already have it, it's unlikely that you'll get it." when all was said and done and he'd answered all my questions, i consented to simply checking my antibodies and going from there. besides, checking the antibody count was expensive enough... i can't imagine what they'd charge me for the actual vaccines. and by expensive, i mean all of $20. welcome to national health care.

he drew some blood and told me to come back after three days to see the result. because of my job, i didn't get back until today. another doctor was in, but he also spoke english. he took me into the back, glanced at my chart, took a breath and told me i have hepatitis b.

".....i have hepatitis b?" i asked.
"yes. you have it," he confirmed.

suddenly, my mouth went dry, my heart raced, and my entire experience in taiwan flashed before my eyes. how is that even possible? i thought. is that even possible? i've led an almost painfully celibate life... i don't even have someone to cuddle with during a movie, and you're telling me that somehow i contracted a disease that is, by and large, mostly passed on through sexual intercourse?!?! now what? i wondered. treatment? is it treatable? should i go back to america right now? can i go back to america? were those previous shots worth crap? did they malfunction and give me the disease instead of protecting me? i know that if it's unlikely to happen, it will probably happen to me, but COME ON! my luck can't possibly be that bad!

"oh, i'm sorry! i was thinking antigen... this is your antibody count. no, you're fine! your antibody levels are very high. you don't need another shot."
"oh my goodness, you scared me."
"haha! sorry! don't worry about getting it when you travel. you're very healthy."

at least i managed to laugh a little afterwards.


but son of a b. he really had me for a second there.

one day me speak pretty.

i promise, every time i sit down to write something, i hope to post something good. i actually have maybe a dozen entries, but none of them are finished, and they're about much more profound and/or entertaining topics than i've been posting lately. musings. quandaries. observations. things revolving around some of the following:
-abortions in taiwan... did you know that this is common and acceptable? i didn't until recently. even though it's legal back home, it's still not okay. if you get one, be prepared to vehemently defend your reasons to anyone who finds out. here, it's simply an inconvenience to having unprotected sex. wait, unprotected sex? yes, well, the sexual tension of youth culture here would require a few dozen blogs to begin with, so i'll skip it. but there's a machismo in asian culture that states that wearing a condom is emasculating. yet man-purses, sequins, and copious amount of hair product somehow are not. also, they apparently don't learn anything in sex education, because nobody likes to talk about it. i didn't say it, chris' taiwanese friend did. people are too conservative to talk about sex, but not too conservative to have it. hmmmm... christian culture kind of has the same problem, i'm discovering. but that's another post.
-the convenience store phenomenon and how it just might make the world a safer place. really!
-my new-found appreciation for socialized health care, followed by a commentary on how overpriced and inconvenient medicine is back home. i'd argue that we're paying for better health care, but we're not. i'd argue that we're paying for better medicine, but we're not. i'd argue that we're paying for more qualified doctors, but we're not. i'd argue that we're paying for a longer life expectancy and a healthier population, but we're not. i'd argue that we're paying for more personal relationships with our doctors... for convenience... for protection... for consistency... for safety and legitimacy... but we're not. WHAT ARE WE PAYING FOR!
-taiwanese fashion. how it can be gloriously rich and beautiful, or maybe its ability to burn your eyes out of their sockets.
-my infatuation with jay chou and chinese films.
-the hierarchy of asian culture. japan. korea. china. taiwan. hong kong. the philippines. indonesia. cambodia. thailand. vietnam. burma. india. no, they're not the same, and you'd be surprised. i learned this from taiwanese friends and other ex-pats, and slowly, it's begun to make a lot of sense.
-the glory of commercials on taipei buses.

all half-finished or only just begun. why? because my ability to write and speak has diminished severely. i can't write cohesive thoughts anymore, people. vocabulary? all my sentences and words sound the same. my sentences don't make any sense anymore, because i don't speak english. i speak esl teacher. it's a terrible half-breed of a language, both stealth and completely untraceable as it sneaks upon you. it begins with a sentence, and before you know it, you're asking questions like "what is your mommy's hair look like?" you're just too lazy to correct yourself and say "does" instead.

lately, i've contemplated bringing some of these esl-isms back with me and seeing if people notice. sometimes, i think it would be hilarious. people refer to each other as "the" something. "the" teacher joy. "the" brian. i wonder how long i'd have to say it before people stopped and asked me what was wrong with me. the other fun ones include: how to do? how to say? don't have! (instead of didn't) and speaking with your hands. a lot. also, counting things instead of saying "a", "the." make a line becomes make one line. bring me a pencil is now bring me one pencil. i haven't started calling things "my one" anymore, because i hate that more than anything, though i have started making the same sounds people make when they're unhappy. just wait till it comes out of me... you might find it to be the most terrible thing. ever.

we'll see if i ever rediscover myself enough to finish those blogs.

我的中華的朋友你好!

today, after work, i was tying up some loose ends on my visas and watching the office, and this clip came up:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AC1oj_SWJU

now, i'll be the first to admit that my chinese isn't great, but i've really come to appreciate this. i had to listen a few times to fully figure out what he was saying, but it's wo de zhonghua de pengyou, ni hao! which means, my chinese friends, hello!

okay, nobody else will think it's funny except chris, but i was dying.

wo semper bu zhidao, y tu ma?

"veni, vidi, vici."
or so the saying goes.

i've discovered a new phenomenon. lately, i've wondered to myself if some people are born into madness or if, for most, it slowly but surely infiltrates the mind. if we simply stop seeing where we begin and the madness ends. we consciously feel the pangs, but fail to take it seriously until it's too late.

lately, i feel like a part of me is going mad. for those who don't know, words constitute my love language. it's the way i love, the way i process, the way i reason, and really, who i am. i feel that, to a great extent, my self ceases to be without a firm grasp on language and how it moves myself and others.

and lately, everything about it is breaking down. it might seem logical that one's speech would grow if one taught it day in, day out. but the truth is that i listen to so much imperfect english that i, in many ways, can't remember what constitutes good or bad anymore. there's good and bad by esl standards, but they differ a great deal from the sophistication i was cultivating in university.

but if it were english, it would be one thing, but all languages i've been learning have lately coalesced into a non-language. i cannot, sometimes, remember how to express what i want in english. my mind immediately races to chinese, before i have to counter it with my mouth.

furthermore, there are times when i can't remember how to express something in either english or chinese, but can remember the latin or spanish words, and once in a while, i write them down before i realize that it doesn't make any sense. though, for a long while, i couldn't remember how to say "i" or "you" in spanish anymore. wo qiero? that's not right!

and you can tell it's gotten bad when you're supposed to count the students off for dodgeball, and your initial thought is yi, er, yi, er. but oh yeah, you're not allowed to speak chinese. except it's too much mental strain to count one, two, one, two, so you resort to uno, dos, uno, dos. and your kids are confused, but it makes sense to you because, after all, where you come from, that means something!

cohesion. my kingdom for cohesion.

對阿

"language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about."
or so the saying goes.

yes, i can now type chinese on my computer. how awesome is it, you ask? way awesome.

also, now i can finally share my chinese name, which means (respectively) wheat knowledge grace.

this is partially because it sounds like my real name and also, wheat is the color of my hair... and let's face it, i'm all about knowledge and grace.

麥喬茵

every day, i die a little more

"always be a first-rate version of yourself instead of a second-rate version of somebody else."
or so the saying goes.

or maybe i just get a little closer to confirming the plain fact that i, indeed, have no dignity.

we're learning christmas songs at school, which is glorious because christmas is glorious and my kids are glorious. you put both together, and you can only get good things. savvy?

i've never considered myself to be much of a dancer. but for some reason, any insecurities that i might have or that, in fact, i do have in the real world, somehow, miraculously, don't matter within the confines of usas.

somehow, i managed to pull off singing 2 versions of jingle bells and jingle bell rock with my kids. it's redundant, much, but i certainly didn't plan it that way. we're practicing for the school-wide celebration, and also taking a little time out of our overly-serious lives to be ridiculous. or at least that's how i like to see it. k1 has it all down. their version of jingle bells is funny and sweet and innocent. they kind of know the words and kind of don't. and they don't have the capacity to sing with any sort of tune, so they shout something that sounds like the words and the proper rhythm. sometimes they even cover their own ears because it's so dissonant. but i have to admire their spirit.

as some of you know, my g3 class and i are up and down. for about a month, however, we've been at peace. i'm hoping it lasts. some days, the chinese teachers ask me how i manage them and don't hate them all; they're loud and fierce and competitive and have no shame whatsoever.
and they're amazing, did i mention that? mostly, they make me laugh. i've instituted a system of checks and x's for them. as one so eloquently put:
me: who remembers how the x's and checks work?
him: if you have many checks, you can get cool points. 1 x means cannot play the game, 2 x's means cannot play dodgeball, 3 x's means writing, 4 x's, i don't know, and 5 x's you probably have to stay all night.
this seems to work, because the world just might fall to pieces without dodgeball.
they're singing jingle bell rock, the words to which they picked up instantly. our actions are absurd, but they pull it off because they're incredibly spirited. they have a bit of a pyramid situation going on, with the most outgoing students in the front and the least in the back; not because i organized it this way, but because that's how they fall naturally. it looks surprisingly cool and the whole act is almost like a mock show tune. but they can hear us downstairs and the chinese teachers kept peeping in to have a look (and telling me they think it's hilarious), so we must be doing something all right. i feel silly, because i look silly, but they're my favorite act.

and i've re-inherited g5. we have a lot of fun, and we choreographed a far more complicated version of jingle bells, with switching and twirling and swinging, oh my! they're fun, and ever-so-easy to teach, because i don't have to worry so much about what they do and don't understand. i told them that they have to show some spirit. at least more spirit than g4 and g6. consequently, this means that i, too, have to be spirited if i want any kind of result. and in this case, who needs aerobics? i'm jumping and twirling and yelling and dancing just to get them to loosen up.

no dignity, whatsoever.

"so then he was all 'i love you' and i was like, 'please...'"

"count your blessings."
or so the saying goes.

i couldn't think of a title, so i wrote this. because chris and i are clever/bored/immature, we find it amusing to write captions on handouts we get at work and school. we then share said captions with each other and have a laugh about it... i like to think it keeps us from imploding. anyway, this was his caption from my workshop. i still think mine from last week was better.

though i spend most of my days as a teacher at least mildly stressed out, i've come to realize that i'm so very happy here in taiwan.

once in a while, i have a devastatingly long week here. sometimes it's due to a bad class or sometimes we just have a lot to do, but this week was one of them. i had the sounds and letters competition, report cards, MY workshop, kindergarten handbook, and a final exam in chinese all in one week. i'm a bit tired.

while you could see the effects of my stress on my face, i've gotten better at managing it. i think this is because i'm learning to dwell less on those things which wear me thin and more on things which make me happy. this week's blessings include:
1. a warm sweater
2. fresh fruit
3. guotie
4. not failing my final, despite having not studied
5. kicking ass at my workshop, thus affirming my awesomeness
6. not kicking ass during g3, thus tearing down said awesomeness
7. chris (the less nar-nar version)
8. & julien
9. christmas music
10. k1
11. peanut butter and chocolate sandwiches
12. yellow watermelon
13. tonight
14. coffee
15. talking to layce
16. rain
17. just discovering that aro's coming to visit

count your blessings.

the stuff good stories are made of

"in the struggle for survival, the fittest win out at the expense of their rivals"
or so the saying goes.

last weekend, i decided the time had come for me to venture outside taipei. certainly, i'd been to taichung before, but i'd never visited southern taiwan, much less taken a weekend trip since i arrived in june. then fate smiled upon me in the form of other peoples' general restlessness. as chad is leaving in about 3 weeks, he's been really keen on making the most of his last days here. because we celebrated 10/10 last week, he took advantage of the holiday to go to kenting, a beach town very near the southernmost tip of taiwan. he invited chris and me to come along. while chris was busy with mormon stuff this weekend, i thought it would make a good excuse for me to get out of town for a while. though i would be arriving 3 days later, at least i would know someone there to explore/get into mischief with. furthermore, mitch and his friend sam were heading down there for an extended holiday as well, and as the proverb goes, the more the merrier. when i'm involved, however, it is always an adventure. this is a fact i must always establish, assess, and accept every time i leave the house. establish, because i know how things go. assess, mostly monetarily. how much can i afford the mishaps that will undoubtedly come? and accept, because 99% of the situation is how you deal with it. some say it's the law of attraction at play, but i call it mostly blind luck.

i made my way down to kaoschung early saturday morning. well, early is a relative term. actually it was mid-morning, but the cool thing is that taiwan has already established a high speed rail system, which makes a trip across the entire country merely 1.5 hours of relaxation and countryside. i got into kaoschung before noon, hoping to catch a bus to kenting within the hour and get there by the early afternoon. because i had no idea where anything is, i took a cab, who seemed to mostly understand what i was telling him. unfortunately, mostly isn't quite good enough when asking for the bus station, because he took me to the dodgiest bus depot i've ever seen. and i've seen some dodgy bus depots. i got out and cringed a little, wondering how i was ever going to find a way to kenting, when another friendly bus driver who was on break, noticed my apparent befuddlement and asked me if i needed help. his english was minimal, but i managed to convey to him that i wanted to go to kenting.
wo yao qu kenting.
he pointed to what looked like a city bus, and told me that was a good way to get there. great, i thought. my new-found friend then told the city bus driver where i wanted to go, i purchased a ticket, and hesitantly boarded a bus headed toward oblivion. yes, oblivion. i had no idea where it was going or if i was even going the right way.
this might be a good time to note that while it takes you 1.5 hours to get 90% of the way to kenting, it takes approximately 3 to travel the remaining 10%. southern taiwan is nothing like my world in taipei. taipei is lively and busy. the world of southern taiwan is... desolate... void of human occupancy. the bus stopped at non-bus-stops, and people kept getting on and off at random. i planted myself in my chair, and told myself over and over that, no matter where this bus was going, as long as i didn't leave, i wouldn't be lost in the middle of nowhere. even if i ended up back in kaoschung, at least i could find sign of human life there. my 3 hour trip went something like... shack... shack... bus stop... shack... oh, 7-11!... field... mountain... shack. and on and on until we reached the coast. from this point on, it would be a matter of figuring out which sparsely-populated beach civilization was supposed to be kenting, the so-called tourist capital of southern taiwan. furthermore, chad wasn't answering his phone. he knew i would be coming into town, but i heard nothing from him. i resolved myself to the fact that i would have a good time no matter what, even if i was my only company.

finally, my bus driver pulled over to a non-descript bus stop and nodded in my direction. the thicker crowds of people outside and my semi-useful map in lonely planet taiwan seemed to indicate that this was, in fact, kenting. i stepped outside and found my way to the nearest coffee shop, where i pondered my next plan of attack. let's see... chad wasn't answering his phone, i didn't have mitch's number, and i didn't have a place to stay. first priority was figuring out where i could stay, then devising a way to get a hold of my comrades. the luxury of being in reach to teach is that, while i didn't have mitch's contact information, someone else in my phone was bound to. and! i was lucky enough to find that person. unlike chad, whose phone died, mitch answered his phone and told me that they were at a shooting range, but that they would call me when they came back for dinner. that left only the hotel. despite the fact that kenting is in virtually the middle of nowhere, there is a slough of hotels there. surely, one of them would have a place to stay. unfortunately, at the first 20 i tried, i got an unhappy result:
duibuqi, wo yao fangjian. ni you meiyou yi ge?
yi ge fangjian jiu?
dui. wo yao shuijiao.
meiyou!
aiyo!
this went on nearly an hour until one of the hotel owners was kind enough to call some friends and find me an open room. i had a place to stay and i had reached the guys, so i was good. onto the beach! kenting is arguably the most beautiful place i've visited here. the beach was serene and extremely clean. there are no waves here, and it's surprising how peaceful it is when you can barely hear the feeble crashing of the waves on the beach. i had some good music, and paced up and down, in and out of the water for almost 2 hours. the beach made me feel connected once again to california and all the feelings associated with it. for the first time in a while, i felt like myself again. i really must visit the beach more often.

mitch broke the silence when he called, and i made my way over to their hotel, where i found 3 disheveled men... chad the worst of them all. apparently, through an unexpected twist of events in his own schedule, he had come to kenting with only one change of clothes. this had led him to purchase new underwear just that morning and the best shirt ever. it was a muscle tank with a skinny boy on it flexing his muscles. at the bottom it said "i'm number 1!" i could tell he hadn't bothered to shave in days. tired though i was after my day of travel, i was happy to see them all, and they disclosed their plans for the evening. dinner. night market. possibly a club, a pub, or ktv. beach. hookah. not necessarily in that order. those who know me well also know i'm game for anything, so i told them to lead the way. we wandered through the nightmarket, exploring hand-made crafts and unusual clothes, and playing with the idea of a henna tattoo. i still think i'm going to get one, if only to experiment with how exactly i feel about having something marked on my body. our wanderings eventually led to a nearby pub, where we ordered a large hookah and a few pitchers of beer. i had one of the loveliest conversations i've experienced in months that night. starting over is something i need in my life. i give second chances generously, and grasp any opportunity to build from new chances. after hours of conversation at the pub, we made our way back to the boys' room, where mitch and i stayed up all night watching the rugby world cup and the colbert report... chad and sam made it through some, but couldn't muster the willpower to stay awake the whole time. even i faded in and out. i trudged home rather tired around 5:30am, where i slept on a very hard mattress.

the next day brought many adventures. it began with a quiet breakfast and a morning at the beach, a few hours of shopping and exploring, and then an eventual scooter rental. this time, however, i did not crash it. i found a shop, and the proprietor asked me several times if i'd ever driven one before. yes, i said. yes, i'm a foreign woman, but i have driven one. unfortunately, it didn't look very good that i couldn't remember where the brake was, but she hesitantly handed the scooter over, and i got the hang of it quickly. i drove up and down the coast, attempting to understand the arbitrary traffic rules and praying to God that i wouldn't get stranded. when i came back to familiarity, mitch called and asked if i was up for something. i told him i had planned to take another bus ride from hell back to kaoschung in the late afternoon so that i could catch a train back to taipei. well, he said, he and sam were going to stop at the aquarium and then drive back to kaoschung, so i may as well go with them, right? at least i'd have company, and it would be a new experience. i agreed that it sounded like the way to go.

in theory, that is.

we left the aquarium when it closed, hoping to get back to kaoschung in two hours. unfortunately, after a few wrong turns and way too much time at dinner, we did not get back into town until 9:30. we returned our scooters and dawdled back to the train station, only to discover that the last high speed train had left at... 9:30. we were screwed. the next train back to taipei wasn't high speed and wasn't leaving until 11:30. this meant arrival in taipei around 5:30 or 6:00. or we could wait for the next hs train in the morning, but that would bring us into taipei too late, and sam and i wouldn't make it to work on time. this left the bus. a 4 hour ride that couldn't possibly be too hard to secure, right? well, you would think it wouldn't be difficult, but it was. it felt like the entire city wanted a night bus. terrible thoughts kept running through my mind. what if we were stuck here all night? what if we couldn't take the first hstrain out in the morning? what if we were stuck here all day tomorrow as well, and i had to explain my irresponsibility to my boss? how screwed, exactly, would i be? after an hour of searching and being put on waiting lists, i was beginning to lose hope, though i tried to maintain a positive exterior. sam wasn't talking altogether because he didn't want to lose it, and mitch was getting more noticeably frustrated by the second. i tried to laugh it off, but my brain was screaming at me. i was so tired. i'd hardly slept at all the entire weekend, and i would have to be energetic for my kids the nenxt day. finally, when we thought we might not find anything, we found two separate buses. i went by myself, while they waited for the later bus out. i think mitch felt bad, as it was based on his guarantee of speedy transport back to taipei that we arrived in kaoschung so late. needless to say, i didn't get home until about 5a.m. i slept for 2 1/2 hours, then got myself to work. it was a long day, especially since i have chinese on monday nights, but i kept telling myself that i was lucky to make it at all.

and that, my friends, was kenting. i can't wait to go back.



on a topic unrelated in even the most remote way, i think my ipod is dead. i don't know how or why this happened. it simply froze. i'm running out the battery right now, hoping that it might unfreeze it. i really haven't been abusive to this ipod, so i'm baffled as to what happened to it. but it's almost 3 years old and therefore, will have to be replaced in the not-too-distant future. i'm hoping it can't hear me. sometimes i hate technology.

also, i don't normally talk about music here, and it's been a long time since i've said anything, but... well... i really, really love anberlin's semi-new album "cities." i've been following them on and off since i was a freshman in college, and i'm extremely impressed with the quality of their music over the years. what began as merely an attempt to depart from stereotypical mainstream christian music has led to some truly beautiful songwriting. high five, stephen christian.

another addition to the list of the (many) stupid things i've done

my weekend. i can safely say that it was legendary - one of those days that i will tell my kids about. also, it was arguably the most terrifying and embarrassing days of my life. i don't really even know where to begin. okay, first things first:
it all begins, my friends, with a guy named chad. i work with chad, and it's a whole lot of glorious. like, he comes up with ideas for (stupid) things to do, but seems to think that such things are better when more people are involved. i'm not much on coming up with (stupid) things to do, but i'll gladly join along if someone's looking for a partner. and thus, adventures in southeast asia ensue. along with bruised backs, indonesian death treks (or maybe that was my idea?), getting caught in torrential downpours in the middle of nowhere, scooter crashes, and a very unclear night involving a hi-life, a curb, and me wondering if he was dead to name a few.

so chad approached chris and me last week, telling us that there's a political rally in taichung (south of where we live), and that a promoter wanted a few foreigners to come down, give a thirty second speech, and sing "we are the world." great, i thought. no big deal. AND they would be paying us NT$1,000 each, which is like $35. SWEET. so chris told us he couldn't come, but i agreed to it. i got to our bus stop in taipei, and chad told me... oh, p.s. (he actually never says "p.s." but i'll pretend he does) i just found out we actually have to give our speeches in chinese, not english. WHAT? he then went on to say that if we couldn't both do it, then one of us would have to speak and represent both of us, at which point i told him it would bloody be him, because I don't speak chinese! unless they wanted to know my name and that i happen to think guotie hen haochi!

so while we were on the bus, i could tell that the coordinator who invited us to this event was unhappy with my decision not to speak. so i told her... okay, if you help me translate a short speech into pinyin and let me take it on stage, i will do it. she agreed, so i decided that i was fine with it so long as i had a crutch.

we got to the event, and while it occupied a large area (a stadium) and it had a large stage, i wasn't really worried. there weren't too many people out there. i told myself, this isn't so bad. i can do this. we ran through a short rehearsal, and i was feeling okay. chad was traipsing through the local political party supporters and bumming souvenirs wherever he could. i suppose some thanks is in order, as he did acquire some snazzy blue shoes for me, the symbol for this political party. actually, i didn't know that there were so many ways to wear blue shoes, but i think i've seen them all after this day. chad also managed to walk away with a taiwanese flag and the coolest hat i've ever seen. the event began about 20 minutes after our souvenir-hunting adventure. and while there were many stools available (not chairs or benches, people. stools), it wasn't all that crowded. no problem, i kept telling myself.

40 minutes elapsed, and i could tell it was rather loud out there, while i was back stage with the other foreigners. they hurriedly told us it was time to go, strapped headset microphones to us, and paraded us out there singing michael jackson. i think this might be a good time to mention that i was also carrying a miniature american flag and waving it proudly for the crowd, amongst my other american, korean, and african comrades. we got out on the stage, and i could't even believe it. there were, no exaggeration, thousands of people out there. it was more people than i've ever seen in my life. and they were all expecting me to say something! at a rally! in chinese! and i don't speak chinese! i was in the midst of global politics, and i had nothing! it was like having one of those frustrating nightmares where you're naked or you can't find what you're looking for or you just... can't... seem to reach... your destination. there i was, standing out there, the stupidity of what i'd agreed to do slowly dawning on me as the girl before me finished her speech, realizing that i had to move - had to make a sound - anything! the other foreigners had nervously given their speeches, including chad, whose speech didn't sound anything like the one he'd read to the rest of us on the car ride to taichung. i slowly strode in front of my foreign companions (the taiwanese are big on moving forward when it's your turn to speak on stage). i had 4 or 5 sentences written on a paper. but i was so nervous that i thought i might just pass out. i've never spoken or performed in front of that many people before! i began my speech: "ni hao! wo shi joy. wo shi meiguoren..." okay, so far, i'm okay, i thought. then i got to an unfamiliar part of my speech: the part where i had to tell them i'm from california. blast! i couldn't remember how to pronounce the word for california! what were the tones again? okay, 3, 1... damn, that's not right! i stumble through it, and look down at the rest of my speech. it was like all the letters were moving. like i'd never seen them before, much less known how to pronounce them! i tried to force a few words out, but the tones were all wrong! it didn't even sound like chinese coming from my mouth! who knows what sort of offensive things i was saying while my tones shifted erratically! i think i was even inventing new tones up there! so i skipped to the end, where i proudly announced: wo ai taiwanren! xie xie!

they clapped, and i finally escaped the stage, where it took me a good 2 minutes to stop shaking. after the event, we were given free transport to one of the local night markets in taichung, and then embarked on a long ride back to taipei.

wow.

what was the political event, you ask? it was a rally to support taiwan's recent bid for a spot in the u.n. they really want to get back in there, something i fully support. also, i got to meet the mayor of taipei, who, people say, will probably be the next president of taiwan. i got pictures with him and everything!

in all, not a bad day. i keep envisioning my children in the future, telling their friends that their mom was crazy when she was young. i don't even know what came over me. who was this person standing in front of what felt like all of taiwan telling people she liked shuijiao??? i'm strangely proud of myself, yet simultaneously horrified.

and that, my friends, was my weekend. changing the face of taiwanese global politics, because i'm sure what i said will have a profound impact on the upcoming election, and especially the u.n.'s decision about admitting taiwan. hey, i do what i can. help their youth build a better future during the week, get involved in politics on the weekend. may as well give back, right? right.

duality of man: musings on a culture. and also, objects that make my life awesome.

"just because you can doesn't mean you should."
or so the saying goes.

when i first arrived in taiwan, naturally, i was immediately struck by initial cultural differences. different rules. different mentality. different language. different work ethic. different standards of beauty. and on and on it goes. i've been here almost 2 months now, and i've found that i've been assimilating to a number of nuances quite easily. the unspoken rules (or lack thereof when it comes to traffic) no longer affect me. nevertheless, taiwanese and chinese culture to be surprisingly quirky. while some of these things drive me crazy, i've come to terms with the realization that, one, i will probably take many of them home with me, and two, it will take a while to shake them. a few examples to follow:

shuffling of feet. we all wear indoor shoes when we go to work, and t. chris has pointed out to me that the taiwanese shuffle their feet something awful. i mean, it's easy to see why. we have smooth, lovely faux-wood floors throughout the school, and you simply glide on them on your rubber and plastic soles. but it sounds awful and sloppy. i'm happy to report that i've not yet picked this up, but i'm very aware of it now. and i've probably spoken too soon.

yes/no dichotomy. when speaking of choices, the chinese love to keep it simple. so they might ask you a question, then follow it up in chinese with your two choices. translated into english, the most popular ones are, "yes or no," "have or don't have" or "want or don't want?" this sounds best in chinese, but it creeps into their english as well. for example, if i were to ask you a question, i might say something like, "i need the map. have or don't have?" then you would respond with "i have" or "i don't have." like i said, it makes sense in chinese, but it sounds incomplete in english. unfortunately, when we learn a new language, we have a tendency to apply our own grammar rules to the new language. sometimes this is effective and sometimes it is not. in this case, it gets the idea across, but it's improper. therefore, when i often ask teachers or students something, they might respond to me with "t. joy, i don't have!" "t. joy, do you want?" "t. joy, i cannot!" due to habit, i have found that i'm starting to pick this up. chad also does it. chris is a little more conscientious about his speech, but we all subconsciously simplify our language because it's necessary to help others understand. i sometimes catch myself asking "do you want?" or ending my sentences with that annoying "yes?"... "today is the writing competition, yes?" it's terrible. i'm afraid that by the time i get back to the states, the rest of the world won't be able to understand me. or they might think english was MY second language. missing articles. odd sentence patterns. simplified vocabulary.
"*slowly* yes, can i have 1 *indicates 1 with finger* grande toffee nut latte *pause to make sure they understand* with nonfat milk *pause again*."
"would you like whipped cream on that?"
"yes, i want. little bit *indicates little bit*."
"that will be $3."
"i don't have. you take credit card, yes?"
"yes. would you like your receipt?"
"no, i don't want. xie xie."

yikes.

the non-committal "m'm." i have a mixed relationship with this sound, but i've decided that there really is nothing quite as brilliant as this grunt-like utterance. it doesn't really transfer to english, but if i had to explain it, the sound falls somewhere in the midst of a thoughtful "huh," an "uh-huh" of agreement, and a "mm'hmm" of understanding. the truly wondrous thing about this utterance, however, has less to do with its meaning and more to do with the emphasis you put on it. i've realized that one of the major differences between chinese and english is that we communicate through the significant raising or lowering of our voices, and different emphasis placed in different parts of sentences. for example, we phrase a question much more differently than a statement. chinese, in contrast, has a lot of the same words pronounced in different ways. depending on the tone, you could be either indicating that you would like a cold beverage or telling someone that you have misplaced your fish. sentence tones do not vary as much either. ending your sentences with "...ma" in chinese is the same as a question.
anyway, that was a rabbit trail. what i love/hate about "m'm" is that its meaning is interchangeable, yet the tone remains the same! you say it if you agree, if you understand, or to simply indicate that you're listening. due to the natural human tendency to be lazy, we fall back on this all the time. we just eek out this non-word, and it's up to the other person to decide in which category its meaning falls.
and yes, it does cause some miscommunication. is it agreement? understanding? a combination?

fear. the other foreign teachers and i have established that the taiwanese are definitely afraid of two things in particular: the sun and water. yes, we know. the sun shines more brightly here than in most other places and we're on an island, thus, surrounded by water. their curious fear strikes me as rather odd, as hawaiians are also subjected to constant sunlight and surrounded by a rather large body of water, but they wouldn't have it any other way. i mean, it makes sense to be a little afraid of things which are foreign to you, such as the characteristic californian fear of rain. but water and sun? when it's everywhere?
however, i have recently decided that the taiwanese are not simply afraid of the sun itself, but of the sky. yes, the sky. when it's sunny, they walk under umbrellas and congregate in the shade beneath the shadow of buildings. when it's raining, they do the same. i've witnessed a man outside of his house fixing a chair at 2am wearing a helmet. why? we don't know. my only conclusion is that it's the sky. i
t makes so much sense. if you're driving something uncovered, you wear a helmet. otherwise, you're protected under a car. and it explains why there are so many covered walkways. and all balconies have covers.
even on cloudy days, when the sun seldom breaks through but it's not raining, people carry their umbrellas, putting them away when they're shaded by buildings and whipping them out instantly when they are walking in uncovered areas.

personally? i hate umbrellas. they're obnoxious to carry, and i like the rain. i never used an umbrella in england, just wore coats. and here, i simply get wet. i don't care. and as for the sun, well, it's always been my understanding that it's a friend of mine.

things which make my life easier/awesome

dumplings. arguably, the best kind of food there is. for the cost of less than 2usd, you can have yourself a filling, portable, and always delicious little meal. i eat dumplings several times per week, usually when i just want something simple to eat and i'm not incredibly hungry. they love me at the little place around the corner.

tea, tea, tea. i love tea. bubble tea. fruit tea. black tea. herbal tea. hot tea. iced tea. the taiwanese love their tea, and i could drink it every day. while i love english tea, the taiwanese take your tea experience to a whole new level. there are some dandy little tea combinations that i love, particularly fruit iced tea, which is a whole lot like sangria, but without the alcoholic content. it's cold and refreshing, and has fruit in the bottom of your cup. and of course, bubble tea. it's a drink AND a meal. i just really love chewing the tapioca at the bottom.

sitting in public buses. buses here are really clean. and air-conditioned. and comfortable. i ride the bus to work every day, and it's actually my preferred means of transportation. you get to see the city and you can sit in the comfortable seats.

7-eleven. for anything you might need at any given hour of the day. you just never know. hungry? it's always open.

night markets. need a tazer? an outfit? new shoes? a bag? food? a new pet? go to the night market, and you'll be sure to find it. it's like a swap meet, but not just for sunday mornings.

fruit. i love exotic fruits. well. exotic by american standards. mangoes. kiwis. pineapple. coconut. mangoes are the new awesome, and i will be very sad when you can't purchase them for an everyday, normal price in the united states.

not tipping. i've worked service jobs. they suck because people walk all over you, and your tips don't make up for it. i also think it's bullshit that tips in the states have become an expectation rather than a reward for good service. i've gone to restaurants where i was ignored and/or had to wait for 2 hours for a seat, and then got an earful about how my party didn't tip enough. tip enough? we gave 15%! and that was generous! i'm sorry, did i miss the memo that says tipping is compulsory? and that the new rule is 25%, though you're going to tell me it's 15? if it's expected, why don't you just bill me for it rather than making me go through this whole routine where i have to calculate (or in some cases, mis-calculate) how much of my hard-earned money i have to give you for your (sometimes... not always) lousy service? i understand. you depend on it. so do i. it's important. but i appreciate living in a society where it's not expected... where i simply pay the bill. "then how can those people make any money?" well, they don't have to tip anyone else, so we all win, don't we? if you feel inclined to give money for good service, great, but i'm tired of this expectation. when i worked at starbucks, we earned money off peoples' generosity. i was lucky in that i worked at a store where we had a number of regulars who loved us. they always left us a generous tip because they liked us and our service. it was never expected. i'd never stopped working at starbucks if i made 15%... nay, 7.5% (half for me and half for whatever partner i was working with) of all the drinks (or food) we served. i cleaned up after you when you so inconsiderately left your cups and plates around the lobby. i made drinks. i rang you up. i kept the coffee fresh. i cleaned/stocked/re-stocked/re-cleaned/organized/circulated your pastries. i complied when they added the warming component to my job but didn't offer me a pay increase. i washed dishes and took out trash. i developed/perfected my ability to make you glorious, velvety soy/non-fat/breve/whole milk foam for your wet/dry cappuccinos or extra foamy/no-foam lattes. i made signs, took classes, and participated in dozens of coffee and tea tastings. i really enjoyed my job, but it's much harder than people think it is. and i didn't demand or expect a tip from you. so why is it expected from me?
in taiwan, nobody gives tips and nobody receives tips. you don't make that extra cash, but you don't shell it out either. if they want you to tip, they include it in the bill and on the menu. in a far more passive society, in this way, they are far more direct than american culture and its unwritten rules of tipping.

things which do not make my life awesome

standing in public buses. i just can't get my balance. it's too jerky. i'd rather walk to work than have to stand on a bus. really, really.

grocery stores. they just don't carry things you need, much less things you can cook with. this is very much an eating-out culture, and many a time i've found it difficult, if not impossible, to find food for a reasonable price that i can make an actual meal out of.

public restrooms. 2 months later, i still don't like to squat. and i don't like the whole throw your toilet paper away, don't flush it thing.



thanks for listening.

question: why did the chicken cross the road?...

...to avoid dying of dysentery, of course.

but seriously. show of hands: who remembers that stupid question from childhood, and furthermore, who thought it to be utterly pointless and irrelevant to anything pertaining to real life. i mean, chickens don't cross roads, right?

ah, see... that's where you're wrong. clearly, you've never been to indonesia.

the concept of chickens crossing the road never made any sense to me until i found myself in the back seat of a van as it whizzed through the windy roads of lombok island, indonesia. the roads are about as wide as a one-way, one-lane street, but people in indonesia find it perfectly adequate for a 2 lane highway next to a precarious cliff overlooking the ocean. i just smile and act like i have complete faith that our driver won't lose control of the vehicle and send us plummeting over a cliff into the tropical waters below. i also act like it doesn't bother me that i don't have a seat belt. i guess people sitting in the back seat don't get one. it was on this particular car trip, just before our treacherous trek up mount rinjani, that i saw dozens of chickens cross the road. our driver honked time after time to get them to move out of the way. apparently, they're not smart enough to simply move when they see oncoming traffic, nor do they seem to learn that the road = bad. so they insist on crossing the road and just narrowly escaping an especially gruesome and squishy death.

ah, but i'm getting ahead of myself. this post, really, is about my trip to indonesia, not about chickens. but where do i begin? our harrowing car trip-slash-exercise in effective chicken-dodging tactics is merely the beginning of the many adventures chad, chris, and i experienced on this trip.

last saturday, we arrived in bali. we decided to spend our first night in kuta, a popular destination for tourists. and while the beaches of kuta are beautiful and there are many people, it is so developed that you lose a lot of indonesian personality. starbucks? dunkin donuts? pizza hut? please. if we wanted all those things, we could go back to the states. nevertheless, we discovered that there was a very good middle eastern place down the street from our bungalow, with sheesha for 4usd. 4 dollars and hookah? sign me up. we downed hummus and enjoyed our apple apple tobacco before moving on to some of the local night clubs and resorts. our first stop was ku de ta, which was right on the beach. unfortunately, despite being beautiful, it charged way too much money for drinks. by western standards, it's about right, but in indonesia, you shouldn't spend more than 3 or 4 usd for a mixed drink. feeling a bit underdressed and uncomfortable with the high prices, we moved on to two local favorites: crusoe's and Mbargo. we all enjoyed crusoe's because of the live music and the laid-back atmosphere. but it turns out that this place was also something of a brothel. it didn't take long to figure out. while i was uncomfortable as the only female non-prostitute there, i found the social interactions around me fascinating. i actually liked studying body language and male-female hierarchy. i was angered by the superiority and the sense of entitlement that the men had. even the young ones. i was saddened that the girls were so desperate and by such a degeneration of love and sex.

but then again, i was only observing.

the next day, we spent a few hours on the beach (great surfing, p.s.), before moving on to ubud, a smaller city more inland. i think that ubud was probably my favorite place. i liked our accommodations best there as well. it was quieter, less crowded, less developed, and more bohemian. we wandered through the shops and talked with the locals for a while, then made our way down to the sacred monkey forest. for 1usd, you can buy a bag of bananas to feed wild monkeys. they will come up to you and take them, and some will even sit in your lap. they're very intelligent and incredibly adorable. also, they're very spoiled in the sacred monkey forest. chad took out a banana to feed to one of them. distracted, he didn't notice that another was creeping up behind him until it snatched the entire bag from his hands. i also witnessed chris' monkey mishap. he held out a banana to offer to a monkey, but it didn't want that banana. it wanted the bag. so it tried to grab it, but chris wrestled it away. at this point, the monkey bore its teeth, showing its true colors. chris tried to give the bag back, but at this point, our monkey friend was bored. short tantrum, as it were. nevertheless, chris did manage to give it one banana, but this wasn't enough. it kept throwing said banana to the ground with contempt. spoiled, spoiled monkeys. after this, we had a lovely dinner in a garden and attended an indonesian dance show. the costume and the makeup was amazing, but i think what fascinated me most was the style of dancing. their traditional dancing tells stories through eyes, hands, fingers, and feet. there's very little movement of the entire body and very little facial expression, so the entire dance is punctuated by subtle movements. it is very beautiful and entrancing to watch.

the next day, we had an early cooking lesson at cafe wayan, an indonesian restaurant. they took us to one of their larger restaurants, where we made a 5 or 6 course meal and then ate it. the wonderful thing about the food is that we used only fresh ingredients. they actually had a garden next to the kitchen, where they could pick their spices and vegetables for the meals. the food was amazing, and we all thought that perhaps we were slipping into a food coma. we then spent some time shopping and wandering around before deciding to rent motor scooters and explore bali a little more extensively. this sounded like a lot of fun to me, though i'd never ridden one and i had to remember LEFT side. LEFT side. RIGHT turn, DANGER turn. unfortunately, my lack of experience became painfully apparent when i turned too widely and hit a parked van outside a hotel. i pretty much bounced off it. everyone could see the horror cross my face when it happened. for those who don't know, i've never hit anything in my life. never been in an accident. never received a ticket. chad and chris were quite supportive through it all, though they couldn't keep themselves from laughing. i imagine that i'll never live it down. we had to postpone our motor scooter adventure to get an estimate on fixing the bumper and the scooter. they took us to a local body shop, where they were quoted about 90usd to fix the car and 50usd to fix the bike. they promised me that if i simply paid that amount, all would be forgiven and, more importantly, forgotten. i didn't argue, because i imagined how much trouble i would have been in had this happened in the states. no international license. no license to drive a scooter. no insurance. hmmmmm. very rarely can you pay a paltry $150 to make something go away. after paying my debts and briefly seeing my life flash before my eyes, i decided to get back on and keep truckin. gotta get back on the horse, right? i am happy to report that i didn't hit anything else for the rest of our trip. we traversed the winding roads of rural bali, stopping every so often to take in the vast sprawl of rice fields around us. we also visited the "elephant caves." don't get too excited. there weren't real elephants there. it's named after ganesh, one of the hindu gods which is, surprise surprise, embodied in elephant form. there, we found a temple, pools to wash oneself before entering the sacred caves, the biggest butterfly i've ever seen in my life, and literal caves where people can go to pray and make offerings. what fascinated me most was the hindu concept of three. they have a sort of idol where one can pray (and i think make offerings to as well?), and our tour guide explained that three is an extremely important number in the hindu tradition. the three statues we saw represent creator, protector, destroyer; birth, living, death; peace with people, the divine, and nature - the view of the world within these lenses of "three" is an integral part of hinduism. very interesting.

the next day, we decided to take a long bus ride and short flight to lombok, an island not far removed from bali. it is, by and large, the road less traveled, and we wanted to experience some true island living. upon arrival, we found our accommodations for the night and set out exploring. the island of lombok is even quieter than kuta. there are far fewer tourists, but the poverty is far more apparent than on bali. i noticed that many people have almost nothing. there are also several family farms with small shacks for people to live in. it made me feel like i had so much, seeing how little they lived with.

fun fact: did you know that indonesia has the world's largest muslim population? while the island of bali is hindu, the other islands are muslim. also, did you know that people get up to pray in mosques at absurd hours like 3am? i discovered this because my hotel was next door to a mosque. wowy, prayer is noisy!

we had a delicious authentic indonesian meal, and explored our options for our stay on lombok? scuba diving or mountain climbing? scuba diving or mountain climbing? choices, choices. i had decided against scuba diving, so i left it up to the guys to decide what they wanted. if they decided to take the courses to get their padi certifications, i would either climb a mountain by myself or spend my days snorkeling, swimming, or lying on the beach. finally, we reached a consensus: we would all climb... nay, conquer... nay, bitch slap... mount rinjani. we'd already done some recreational mountain climbing in taipei. how hard could it be, right?

...i'm actually surprised to be alive after that climb.


nobody warned us about what we'd be facing, and that we would need a fair amount of materials to make this trip comfortable, if not simply possible. materials like: sweatshirts, strong hiking boots with excellent arch support, long pants, and maybe a month of steady conditioning. the trail began easy enough... climbing over roots and up a few gentle slopes. but as we progressed, the mountain became a monster of its own. by the time we realized what we were facing, we couldn't turn back... we'd come too far! we'd marched too much to turn back, but the mountain was getting steeper by the step. it began as probably a 25 degree climb for the first quarter, which then evolved into 45. that's okay, we could deal. but the next leg - the leg after lunch - was something like 50 degrees. i was so tired, i wanted to simply pass out. i'd felt like i'd lost all will to keep moving, much less keep breathing. i suppose what kept me going was chris' unfortunate bout with what can only be described as dysentery. and chad was climbing in berkenstocks. surely, if they could keep moving, i could do it too. we finally reached post 3, about 3/4 up the mountain. we would make camp there, eat dinner, then rise early the next morning to make the last 1/4 trek up to the rim at sunrise. after that, we would hike down to the bottom. unfortunately, i had a few thin sweaters that i managed to layer to generate a paltry extra heat, chris was still suffering, and chad had only his sarong, which he wore as a cape for warmth. it was a long, blustery night for us. while the company that we were going through provided a guide, porters, food, and camping equipment, we were otherwise ill-equipped for this journey. chris got his own tent, which was probably good because he was feeling so sick, so chad and i shared, and probably got about 3 hours worth of sleep combined. we shivered and turned all night long trying to generate enough warmth to go to sleep. parts of my body were so hot, they were sweating, while other extremities were so cold, they had goose bumps. somehow, we made it through our night of misery and arose in the still of darkness for the last leg of our climb. the air was the cleanest i've ever breathed. the forest was so quiet it was almost deafening. the stars were brighter than i'd ever seen them. God's glory abounded. we witnessed the sun peaking up over the mountains of bali and the ocean as we hiked. however, this hike felt pretty much vertical, on loose sand and rock. but we're troopers, and we made it to the top. looking inside an active volcano is an experience i'll never forget. everything was so green and huge and beautiful. we breathed a sigh of victory as we shivered uncontrollably in the morning cold. after about an hour marveling at the top, we headed back down to base camp. okay, so the walk down was more of a stumble/slide. i may have scars forever.

verdict? totally worth it.

at base camp, we received transport to one of the ports at lombok so that we could take a boat to the gigi islands, a few desolate beaches about 45 minutes away. on the gigis, there are no motor vehicles, and everything moves a little more slowly. the ocean is clear and the sand is white. we arrived at the port, which is a whole lot of desperation crammed into one place. everywhere, people want to carry your bags, sell you something, do anything to extract money from you. they don't even ask. they see a car pull up, and they ambush it to carry your bags so that they can charge you. finally, we managed to escape and head to gigi. in transit, we met a friendly bar promoter named jules, who helped us find our way around the island. he knew good places to go, and was generally good company. we located an adequate place to sleep, and spent the rest of the night exploring the islands, eating, and having a few drinks. unfortunately, our trek in rinjani severely caught up to me on the islands. i woke up the next day with horrible stiffness and the worst hangover i've ever experienced. i hadn't even had much to drink the night before; it was something like 3 over the course of 6 or 7 hours. i'd simply been sipping, but it all hit me horribly the next day. i think it did not mix with my fatigue and dehydration, and it produced a very uncomfortable, persistent nausea all day long. it wasn't even intense, just a prolonged discomfort. chad was also struck with the same rigor mortis-like qualities in his limbs, and we both waddled from place to place. we couldn't even go up and down stairs without bracing ourselves. as is typical with our relationship, though, we thought it was a fun game to hit each other in the thighs unexpectedly, just to elicit a response. why? team-building, we say. chris, fortunately, didn't have the same problems. he actually recovered quite well from our trek, and i'm pretty sure he deserved it after 2 days of misery. he did, however, take a tremendous (and possibly cruel) amount of pleasure laughing at chad and me as we crept along and grimaced. nevertheless, we spent a relaxing day on the beach sipping cold fresh fruit drinks and wading in and out of the water. there's something so therapeutic about the ocean for me. simply being in it makes me feel alive... like the world is exactly the way it was meant to be.

after a morning and afternoon of leisure, we headed back to lombok via boat and to bali via plane for one more night in kuta. chris treated us all to a resort and a beautiful hotel room and we had a delicious dinner. apparently, i crashed as soon as we returned to our room from dinner, but i must say that it was the deepest and most complete sleep i've had in a long while.

the next day, we wandered around bali for a few hours. chad and i had one last balinese massage, and we all bid indonesia goodbye.

indonesia is beautiful and exotic. i only wish we'd had more time to do the scuba diving and surfing, but perhaps another day. this trip was incredible, and i'm so glad i went. i feel like my world opened up even more, and i'm hoping that my heart opened a little more with it. i wouldn't change a thing.




...except maybe the scooter accident.

taipei 101: the physical structure and the metaphysical art of living in taiwan.

"rules were made to be broken."
or so the saying goes.

i've been here 3 days, and i already feel that i couldn't possibly sum up all that has happened to me. in my first 24 hours, i was introduced to my school, went through what felt like weeks of training in mere hours, and found an apartment. i've ridden on the back of a motor scooter and gone to the top of the tallest building in the world. i've eaten shrimp whole, learned minimal chinese, and realized that i pretty much don't know anything. remember that time i worked at starbucks and actually knew what i was doing?

people don't live by rules here. they have guidelines, and the rest is up to you. unless you're eating in the mrt. then there are rules. they sort of follow the traffic lights and sort of park in designated places. pedestrians sort of have the right-of-way and people sort of work the usual hours.

people here are accommodating and exceptionally kind. today, while "getting lost" on the mrt, i talked to a half dozen 16 year olds. they wanted to know all about me: where i was from, why i was in taipei, where i lived, where i worked, whether or not i liked the city... they giggled at my broken chinese and oohed and ahhed at my clothes and nose piercing. the older people around us just smiled. i disembarked the train with a chorus of "goodbyes" following me. though i barely understand anyone or anything around me, they have the keen ability of making me feel like i'm home.

the city just feels grungy, all day, every day. it's a combination of the poor air quality, the oppressive humidity, the constant odor of something burning, and the generally dirty streets. it's not grungy like "trash" grungy. stores are clean, i've yet to get food poisoning, and people are well-groomed. it's as if there simply isn't enough time or space to hose down the sidewalks or send a street sweeper through.

i feel very conspicuous all the time. i feel like i'm constantly being watched, not in a menacing way, but in a curious way. no matter how confident i look as i walk down the streets or how much chinese i might learn, i've realized that i will always stand out as a foreigner. the last time i felt this naked in public was on the buses of new cross gate and peckham rye. they all looked at me as if that simply wasn't my part of london, and during those times, part of me felt like they were right. children stare... they're fascinated by everything about me. older people smile at me politely, but always in such a way that reflects they they know, absolutely, that i have no idea what i'm doing.

i think that when i went to london, i just wasn't ready. looking back, i appreciate that time, but i feel that maybe i was just too young. it was a combination of things... being away from jeff, undertaking 6 months instead of 3, feeling pressured to go out, and being moderately afraid. i feel that one year would have made a huge difference. it took almost half the time i was there for me to truly enjoy the experience. though i understand nobody and nothing here, i feel so ready to be here. i'm fine with sitting quietly by myself, with being consumed with work by day, eating a quiet dinner, exploring, reading up on the city, shopping at the local markets. it's like a scavenger hunt to see if i can find the place that has what i'm looking for. i'm less afraid, less pressured, more flexible. i look forward to what the year brings, and am excited for further adventures.

for your viewing pleasure:
<--- taipei 101
<---- taipei (aka home) <---- me atop taipei 101 <---- chiang kai-shek memorial