buddy the elf, what's your favorite color?

i love christmas. really, i do. i have watched elf about 3 times and love actually maybe 8 this past december. i don't mind christmas shopping, and i'm all about the red cups at starbucks.

seriously, this year i've made it my mission to overdose on christmas, because it's just depressing when it's gone. but i'm amazed at peoples' capacities to ruin a good thing, even when i'm making an honest effort to enjoy it.

like yesterday, my partner and i got chastised for not playing enough christmas music at our store. people, i'm going to let you in on a little something. everyone at my store works, at minimum, 4 shifts per week. for every shift, we listen to the christmas mix at least twice. and of the songs on that mix, 5% we actually like, 45% are tolerable, and 50% make us want to get on the ground and cover our ears in the fetal position. i often think to myself, how is it possible to have this many bad versions of this song? i bloody like this song, and this is terrible! keep in mind that the christmas stuff started before thanksgiving was even dead and buried in the ground. but just for you, gracious patrons, we do not get into the fetal position. we keep making your grande 6p gingerbread, 3 splenda, breve lattes with extra whipped cream, iced, no hot, no iced, no hot, no wait, do you make a frappuccino?... okay, hot. and happily so.

so this woman came in while we were up to our eyeballs in people, and complained that we never have christmas music playing. at the moment, we were taking a break with some reggae. my supervisor told her that we switch over every so often because we're all just a bit burnt out, but if she was planning to stay, he would gladly switch to the christmas mix for her. no, she explained, she just wanted to get her drinks and go. she actually never stays when she comes in. she just finds it offensive that at the one completely unpredictable time that she comes into the store for 30 seconds each day, we don't happen to have the christmas mix on. then she whined that we don't serve marshmallows and was on her way. "merry christmas," i called after her, to no response, of course.

hear that? that's the sound of my life being sucked out of me as we speak.

lattes aren't worth it.

a few days ago, i had excruciating pain in all the knuckles in my right hand. i'm not someone who typically bows to pain. i deal with pain. i'm good with pain. but that was bad enough to distract me. and today, my elbow, the right one of course, is the problem.

i'm almost certain that starbucks is giving me carpal tunnel syndrome.
damn frappuccinos.

voting.

apparently, people will come out of the woodwork for a free cup of coffee.

and apparently, there really are more obnoxious people than i thought.

and for the love of God, no, you cannot substitute a small cup of coffee for a large frappuccino. on what planet does that seem like an even substitution?

january. january.

when life gets you down...

focus on the positive.

for those who don't know, life has been quite the downer these days. being at home sucks the life out of me, mostly because of one particular person, who shall remain nameless. that would be one thing, except that work is almost painful these days. i should probably stress that it's not because i inherently hate my job, but because any flicker of positive morale or energy is immediately squelched by laziness, drama, and the desire to stay in high school. i spent at least my last 3 semesters of high school wishing it would go away, and now it's come back with a vengeance. this is then compounded by the fact that some of my closest friends are (or will be) in places like london and boston, or by the painful process of extracting others from my life. the unexpected side effect of that one is my acute ability to qualify most guys i meet as liars, no matter how nice they are. i'm still waiting on the Lord for that healing. it'll come, but right now it's still open and bleeding profusely.

i think, though, that sometimes we focus primarily on how awful we feel, and not on all the positive things we have. there are days, weeks, months, that i feel like my Father doesn't hear me, but i find that it's mostly because i'm not listening to Him speak. even when i'm feeling hopeless, i also find something to bring me pleasure or to make me laugh. the fact is, there is way too much suffering in the world to be caught up in how dissatisfied i am with my life. so i told myself that today, i will focus on the things that i enjoy, no matter how small they are. right now, i am in a place where i'm so comfortable that it's easy for me to forget the beauty of existence, and the buoyancy of the human spirit. few people are this lucky.

and despite how frustrated i've been, i've found that the list of things which make me happy is considerable. and that's not even including the people i love, just objects and what they represent. for those who think this is all about materialism, it's not... it's about being appreciative and joyful because we're given so much to be appreciative and joyful about. even these small pieces of joy are enough to lighten this heavy heart, if just for today. and that's okay, because today is all i was ever promised anyway.

rantings of a disgruntled coffee hero.

friends, countrymen, gracious patrons of the man, lend me your ears.

as most know, i work for a certain coffee company, and have been on and off for a few years. while most things haven't changed, one startling change this time around has been the severe discrepancy in customer attitude between my prior location and here. surprisingly, i find this demographic to be significantly more obnoxious than that of orange county, and would like to comment on-slash-berate the people who enjoy unceremoniously tarnishing my existence on a regular basis. thanks to you, i have once again begun to lose all faith in human decency. well done.

and since i can't do it at work, i'll do it here. to my friends and visitors who are also patrons of this coffee house, please, for the sake of others in my position, if any of what i say applies to you... heed my words, turn from your idiocy, and repent of your ways!

let me first say that i've got to hand it to you, riverside county; you guys win the prize for cheapest bastards in the world... yes, the world... because i've visited all over the world, and i've never seen people as stingy as you. never before have i experienced so much resentment over you having to pay for the crap you buy. i've been condescended to, whined at, and complained about over making you pay for what you've just ordered. i don't know why, but you seem to think that my store is a garage sale, and bartering is allowed. does the menu, or does it not say, specifically, how much you will have to pay for that particular product? yes, i believe it does. i want to know... do you argue with people over the price when you go to a restaurant? how about a salon? the grocery store? wal-mart? no, of course you don't, because that would be idiotic, wouldn't it? if you didn't want to buy that product at any of these given establishments, you wouldn't. why do the rules suddenly change when you order from me, then? i'm just charging you because you had to buy half-and-half instead of just sticking with the standard milk, and you needed that extra shot of decaf espresso just so that you could spend extra money and not have it affect your system... because that makes sense. it's a business, not a charity, and if you can't afford it, stick with a more standard order, don't add extras, or just don't come at all! but don't yell at me over 40cents because you couldn't just go with the standard. we charge extra because it costs extra, and because of the extra 2 minutes it takes to prepare that stuff... and for interrupting our flow. besides, it's not like i get that money. or like i decided to provoke you because i could.

now, the following is some advice for a patron of any geographical persuasion. if people do not change these things, somebody's head will explode, and it will be your fault. do you really want that kind of guilt? i didn't think so.
1. seriously, what's with the extra shots of decaf? if you're claiming that it's the taste, that's a fallacy, because the whole process of decaffeinating coffee significantly diminishes the flavor. and surely, you don't expect me to believe that you can actually taste that shot beneath those layers of gluten and lactose. half-decaf on a medium, i can understand (since you get that shot anyway), or even plain decaf of any size, but extras? just empty your wallet into our tip jar, i'll wave my hand mystically over your cup and maybe even throw in an incantation, and we'll call it even.
2. ordering something light with extra whipped cream and/or extra caramel and in large just makes me want to give you the full-fat version anyway. not that i do. but really, you think you're saving calories? besides disgusting me, you're deluding yourself into thinking you're sticking to your diet, and just begging for serious health problems in the future. better make that private insurance work, huh?
3. we have mint flavor all year long, dumbass. so spare me your excitement over our sudden reintroduction of putting it into hot chocolate, mocha, or just plain coffee, because it was sitting there way back in april, too. do we really need to move words around on the menu to make that clear?
4. i remember from back when people liked dane cook, he did this bit on how the need for ketchup in a fast food restaurant suddenly makes you more important than everybody else. you bypass all propriety for it. i would venture to say, however, that the insatiable need for free water is far worse. somehow, with 15 people in line, an endless stream of cups, shots and milk being pulled and poured in all directions and two blenders going, people don't get the message that, no, my co-worker and i, who are already running frantically to fill all these orders, don't have time to get you a free cup of water. go stand in line and order it. or just don't forget it the first time you ordered your drink. but i don't care how nicely you tell me that i can get it "whenever i have a sec." the caffeine-deprived people come first. you already got your drink. forgetting the rest of your order does not put you in front of the line.
5. really? you wanted that drink iced, even though you watched me write it on a hot cup, stood there while i steamed the milk, and waited while i fetched more hot lids, even though you're the only person in line. if you think you've found an original, clever way to get a free drink, you're sorely mistaken. and what a coincidence! you're going to meet a friend right now who will take it! it must be your lucky day. please, i see right through that, and it's been done many times before you, honey. now you can hand that back so i can dump it down the drain while i make you the "correct" drink. and if it's not a ploy, could you pay attention to your order for a second or two?
6. wow, you just let your kids get more of that pastry on the ground than in their mouths. next time, could we not order the flaky scone for them? might i suggest a bagel? or nothing?
7. also, please don't send them in to get free water unless you instruct them to stand in line, say thank you, not jump on the furniture, and use their inside voices. a small tip would be a nice gesture, too, since you did send three of your darlings.
8. no need to talk down. most of us have degrees, or at the very least operate at an average i.q. level.
9. standing in front of other people in line, smack in the middle of your order is not, i repeat, is not a good time to call your friend and ask what they want. do it before. or just don't, because your whole being in high school, clutching your designer bag, and talking on your blackberry is kinda pissing me off anyway.
10. don't tell me to rebrew the coffee when it's still good. you can't tell the difference anyway. no, really, you can't.

read. heed. adjust.


but to the connoisseurs of straight coffee, espresso, glorious foam, soy milk, chai tea, pure tea, and the 2x shot, i salute you.

the smothering immensity of america

it would not be inaccurate to say that i was ill-prepared for my re-integration into american society. i hadn't given the adjustment much thought, as i've believed myself ready to be home for a while now. i'd prepared myself to leave my children, to be awed by china, to be free in mongolia, to be bored in siberia, and to love moscow despite all the stigmas. after all my hard work and anticipation, i wasn't expecting life in america to be complicated at all, because, let's be honest, it had been 13 months and i was exuberantly ready for mexican food, sunny days, the pacific ocean, affordable starbucks, and my friends. let me first establish that, after having visited various corners of the globe, better weather does not exist outside of southern california. yes, i realize that this depends on your definition of "better," but let me tell you that you cannot count on the sun to shine more regularly and the weather to be more consistent outside of this lovely corner of the world. to return to this, my friends, i am grateful.

all that said, despite people speaking to/at me in english when i'm expecting another language. and despite how much i missed chipotle's vegetarian burritos. and even despite the deeply felt absence of my friends, it's everything i can do to keep my heart from exploding every few hours. not with joy, but because i can feel the anxiety of all things american; all things convenient and large, welling up inside me. at times, i have to slow down, close my eyes, concentrate on simply breathing - or maybe on the hypnotic flashing of the turn signal ahead of me - to simply comprehend the vastness of the very road on which i'm driving. 2 1/2 lanes, a divider, and 2 1/2 going the other way, my mind keeps repeating. i crossed less than that to get to my bus stop on the busiest road in banciao.

the truth of the matter is that i feel crushed by the almost excruciating convenience of modern america. by the fact that i can visit a place like target, one of many other places just like it, and buy myself a snack, tampons, a sweater, the office season 3, laundry detergent, a greeting card, a video game for my brother, and a plant for my mom, everything in one place is all too much to handle. i almost don't know what to do with the rest of my brain's capacity, because all these things required 10x more effort in taipei. i had to go to 7-11 for the snack, cosmed for the tampons, blockbuster for the office, net for a sweater, the little mom and pop shop down the street for my detergent, hess bookstore for the greeting card, ximending for the video game, and the flower market for the plant. thus, i would spend my saturday afternoon doing all the things that i can now easily accomplish in 30 minutes or less without driving more than a mile. and the reason it took my saturday afternoon was because my mornings were spent doing my weekly laundry, which now takes all of 10 seconds and doesn't take 72 hours to still be a little damp yet wearable.

the problem is that all my unused energy, all that void capacity, is being dominated by white noise. by an overwhelming lack of concentration. that i find myself unable to stay focused or on track. that my brain labors beneath the weight of variation and convenience around me, grasping at something to pay attention to, to focus on, to center myself upon, yet inexplicably dazed. i'm distracted by all the music, the signs, the language, the concepts that i understand because i grew up here. i speak the language. fundamentally, all this makes sense to me. but it all gets lost when i see the variations on oreo cookies sprawling before me. i get distracted and confused by how something as simple as an oreo cookie somehow becomes very complicated at the grocery store. do i want the plain ones? double stuff? reverse flavors? and what's all that colored stuff? oh, they make other flavored cookies now. and what size should i get? things get even more confusing when i realize that i also have the option of buying a generic brand. at my local 7-11 so many thousands of miles away, oreos came only one way: 12 cookies at 43NT. nothing special, just plain oreos. i've gotta say that i liked the simplicity of choices. either i wanted the cookies or i didn't, but i didn't feel tormented by options. now, as i look upon the vast array of everything including cookies, i can't remember what i was thinking or why i expected it to be harder than this. and yet i wonder why it is so hard, why america is so bent on testing my decision-making capabilities by putting so many choices in front of me.

more than once this week, i have gone into the cupboard or refrigerator, and simply been overwhelmed by a well-stocked food supply. i've gone to make myself some coffee, but haven't known where to start. my life was simpler, containing such fewer choices during my travels. but in those moments of unbearable plenty, i find i have to close the door and order something at a local restaurant, because there i can at least focus on a specific object, self-contained by its recipe and my blissful lack of control in how it's made.

i feel myself, at times, unable to speak, to think, or even to just be, my brain overstimulated by the sheer vastness of my surroundings. it's true, what they say about things being bigger in america. more cars, and they're all bigger than the ones i've seen since i left. my home street is probably 4 times as wide as my alley in taiwan, which sort of fit a cab if you were lucky. my backyard seems to contain more grass than the whole of taipei. and as for my house, well, i'm kind of blown away by the whole "2 1/2 bathrooms" concept.

i was surprised to find that the hardest part for me was church, where i go to meet my Father who, i have found, meets me in the most surprising and humble places. despite my inability to find a church, He always finds a way to speak to me, even when i'm discouraged or confused or in my loneliest of states. i found Him even when i didn't expect to find Him, atop rinjani in the cold. in the smallest moscow churches, by myself as i plodded along the wall. He romanced me, and reminded me that i am His. even whilst sitting down in the great temple of bangkok, wondering about truth and absolutes, i was certain that my Father heard my confusion and frustration, and He met me, where i was. i could hear Him in the depths of my spirit, and i prayed to my God, while others prayed to theirs. i didn't care, because my God is present everywhere, untamed and unlimited by the compartments to which we assign Him. in fact, it is in these seemingly meaningless nooks of His creation that i seem to hear His voice the loudest. in the utter brokenness of humanity and spirit that His beauty screams from the most deafening and ineffable heights. and yet, when i go to meet Him with others who are looking for Him as well, i can't even concentrate. everything is so big. the building, the message, the lights, the screens, the band, the music. and others around me feel Him and hear Him, and i have always and will always ask myself why i can't hear Him too. the truth is that i need to be prepared in spirit when i come before my God, and strangely, i haven't been able to silence my head or my heart enough to concentrate. perhaps i never was quite cut out for a large church.

i like to think that eventually, i'll get used to all this. that my being with synchronize with my surroundings, and that i will feel once again like i belong in america. whether or not that's what i'm meant to feel is questionable, but i'm trying to be patient.

synchronizing and feeling is perhaps too much to expect. so for right now, i'll just focus on breathing.

notes 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7

fyi:
it is entirely possible to yell at kids every day for a year, and still feel like part of your soul is being chipped away when you say goodbye. you WILL find 3 year-olds to be both completely intolerable and completely incredible. elementary students and the speeches they give WILL put your education to shame. and beating all the boys in arm wrestling WILL make you "so cool," just like it did growing up... and ultimately, for no apparent reason, this will restore peace to your classroom. the unexpected side effect is that you will also be convinced that, one day, you want to have a whole bunch of sons.

if you bring your steve madden pumps to taipei, they will not fare well because the unearthly substance they use as tile caulk in the mrt will destroy the heel, and you WILL end up dropping them into a community recycling bin along with the other 90% of your wardrobe. oh, my heart. it hurts.

doing too many things at once WILL make you forget even the most habitual tasks: finishing your bi-monthly report cards. turning off the light when you leave your apartment.
and also, the air conditioning.

the post office will never be open when you need it to be.

and the cute starbucks barista who speaks english but never asked you out because he's too intimidated will tell you that he's going to "very miss you."

dante had it easy

"so it goes."
or so the saying goes.

let's reflect on one of the circles of hell in my life.

today, about 8:30am at starbucks, our filtered water simply stopped working. this meant no coffee, no hot tea, and no espresso drinks, including no steamed milk, as all the machines that we use to make the drinks are directly connected to the filtered water system. we were, however, capable of the following: pastries, iced tea and iced tea lemonades at full strength, iced chai, iced coffee, and frappuccinos... at least until the ingredients ran out, as filtered water is required to make prep for them. as luck would have it, today was also national coffee break day, which meant that we were giving away free coffee from 10am to 12pm. with no coffee brewing capabilities. fuuuuun.

as a result, 2 hours of my day went something like this:
customer: i'd like a venti latte with nonf--...
me: (interrupting), i'm afraid we can't make lattes right now. there is a sign on the front door explaining that our filtered water system stopped working this morning, meaning that we can't make brewed coffee, though my partner is demoing some on the floor, and we can't use our espresso machines.
customer: so your espresso machine's not working?
me: no, it's working. it's just directly connected to the filtered water system, and there's no way around this fact. without filtered water, it can't produce espresso shots or steam milk.
customer: (annoyed) oh. so what can you make?
me: we can make iced chai, frappuccinos, iced tea, and iced coffee, because none of these require filtered water or steamed milk. if you want coffee, we're giving it away for free, and if none of those work, i can direct you to the nearest starbucks about a mile down the street.
customer: oh. so can you make me a caramel macchiato?
me: no, because the caramel macchiato requires espresso shots.
customer: oh, i see. what about a cappuccino?
me: no, because the cappuccino requires steamed milk.
customer: iced caramel macchiato?
me: no, because we can't make espresso.
customer: well... can you blend the caramel macchiato?
me: it would taste similar to the caramel frappuccino, and we can make those if you'd like. if not, we have free coffee behind you.
customer: okay, i'll take that.

*pounds head against wall. repeatedly.*

i like my job, but i'm tired of having a degree and having to deal with people of this sort all day long.

i was surprised by two things in today's saga of disheartening lessons about the human race. namely:
1. people refused free shit. okay, so maybe coffee isn't your favorite, or maybe you haven't tried it. it's free. i'd try it for that very reason, and if i didn't like it, that would be okay. no skin off my nose, because it didn't cost me anything!!
2. people really get upset if they have to vary from their usual routine. and also, they have no idea what goes into their drinks. so to those who think they're cool because they have a complicated drink: please shut up, because really you don't know anything. if you continue to ask for lattes and cafe au laits after i've explained to you that we have neither espresso-making capabilities nor milk-steaming abilities, you really don't know what constitutes the drink. in which case, just ask! i love talking about it; it's one of the few highlights of my dreary existence. we go through weeks of training and months of perfecting our skills (seriously, we're nerdy enough to argue about this and compete for title of most glorious foam... mine's pretty good, i'll have you know), and we'll gladly talk about it if you sincerely don't know what's in it. at least know the difference between a macchiato and a cappuccino... it's good to know.

my days living a latte-free existence during lent have truly given me an appreciation for black coffee and the doppio. and also, my next boyfriend needs to love coffee.