if you're looking to be authoritative...

...apparently, you need to look at me.

for whatever reason, i kicked ass in my teaching practice session yesterday. no, i'm not exaggerating. i just had a really, truly good day. i tried to envision all my pupils as kids to alleviate my anxiety, though i may or may not have been patronizing. i sure hope not.

during our feedback session, my more timid classmates were told to use my tone as an example of gentle and respectful authority in the classroom.

i will say that that is the first time anyone has ever told me that... ever. actually, that was my single-largest problem in taiwan. not with the kindergartners, but definitely with that whole s4 dynamic. i'd eventually just come to accept it. and in general, i'm not good at telling people what to do. ask my starbucks co-workers, with the exception of the new people. ask my friends, my family. i'm far too blue-white to exude any sort of authority over anyone anytime, except, apparently, in the classroom.

can it be that i'm actually just plain good at this?

um.

i bought my plane ticket to prague today.

the usual anxiety is starting again. hard to say if it's better than before i went to taipei. and one day, i will master it, just as i've conquered other travel-related fears. i figure that once i've had almost everything stolen from me, things can't get much worse, right? right. suffice it to say, the anxiety is ebbed by the fact that i always sleep with one strap of my bag wrapped around an arm, and the bag is always on the side with the wall. you think i'm kidding, but i'm so not.

generally, i will tell you right now that i have no idea where the money has come from, or will come from for that matter. but it always comes. my bank account is like Jesus multiplying the loaves and the fish. this happened to me in europe. and again around month 2 in taiwan. and then again when i was planning for my trip to russia. i always look at the money and think, there's no possible logical way i'm going to do this. but without fail, $20 seems to stretch into hundreds, though i've never been good at doing the math on how this takes place.

a few months in prague. then it's hard to say, but i will figure out where God meant for me to be. i have so many bright ideas about what's going to happen and so few ideas about how i'm going to do it.

but the certainty that i'm supposed to go searching for what it is constantly sits in the back of my mind. it makes my legs twitch and my fingers ache. it gives me euphoric dreams and horrifying nightmares. makes me notice everyone and no one. i feel like my soul sees with so much clarity that i might go absolutely, intellectually mad.

i'm just hoping that i'm wandering in the right direction.

personality tests

lately, my family has taken a number of personality tests, partially because it'd be good for us and partially out of curiosity.

i have recently discovered that i am a blue-white, very nearly a blue-white-yellow.

and also that i am an enfp. more importantly, i also learned that, as such, i am typically attracted to intp's and infj's.

somehow, this explains a great deal, about me, and about the hims i seem to choose.

i really wish i'd known this a year ago.
or three.
or maybe even five.




to be honest, i'm very tired of hurting, and really i just wish it would all go away. this week marks 60 days, and i am saddened to find that, on occasion, i still feel compelled to cry. i'd like to think i've forgiven, because being unable to do so is only going to hurt me - slowly eat away at me so that i remember nothing about him but my own bitterness. this would be unjust as, truly, i mostly felt much, much sweeter things than bitterness. some things, more deeply, wildly, and beautifully than i ever thought i could again. and others, more painfully and recklessly than i'd ever hoped to revisit after the one that took me a year to extract.
despite all this, i have no desire to utter that forgiveness, much less express it in a meaningful way. still, part of me feels that the dreams, the nervous twitching, or maybe even that sick feeling i get at the bottom of my stomach when i uncover that letter or those entries will go away if i do. the other part of me, however, believes that any utterance will only be disregarded, or un-reciprocated, or worse, criticized. that somehow, the whole thing will be concluded to be my own fault, and i, being ever-true to form, will accept the blame. it's hard to say which course of action is more unbearable, but even more difficult to admit that the reason i refuse to act is because i'm sure i'll cave. and i absolutely cannot cave, because, i know, absolutely, that it wasn't my fault, and even more absolutely, that i can't take the humiliation again. blessed are the poor in spirit, He said, for they shall be filled. i don't know that i'm ready to feel that poor again before i wait for You to fill me up. i don't think i even have the capacity for that kind of humility anymore.

i once heard...

"learn to laugh at yourself, and you'll always be amused."
or so the saying goes.


currently, this is my goal. silly, and probably shallow, but i sometimes think i'd like myself a lot more if i could do it.



i've been asked before if there was one song to describe me, what i think it would be.
and long have i thought about it. i don't think i've had a dominant personality, so i've never thought any one song could adequately describe who i think i am.

but the more i've listened to this song, i've realized how much bono knows what he's talking about. about searching and knowing. i try not to mistake my confusion/confliction with being lost. as the old adage said, not all who wander are lost. i like to think i fit into that category. on my most existential level, i've figured out what i'm living for, but beyond that, i feel like i'm wandering. bono admits that he believes, but simultaneously admits that he hasn't figured it out. God bless you, bono.

i have climbed highest mountains
i have run through the fields
only to be with you
only to be with you

i have run
i have crawled
i have scaled these city walls
these city walls
only to be with you

but i still haven't found what i'm looking for
but i still haven't found what i'm looking for

i have kissed honey lips
felt the healing fingertips
it burned like fire
this burning desire

i have spoke with the tongues of angels
i have held the hand of the devil
it was warm in the night
i was cold as a stone

but i still haven't found what i'm looking for
but i still haven't found what i'm looking for

i believe in the kingdom come
when all the colors will bleed into one
bleed into one
yes, i'm still running

You broke the bonds
and You loosed the chains
carried the cross of my shame
of my shame
You know i believe it

but i still haven't found what i'm looking for
but i still haven't found what i'm looking for
-u2, "i still haven't found what i'm looking for"

all is quiet on new year's day

"you never know unless you try."
or so the saying goes.

happy 2008.

here's to another year of chances, another year of growing and shrinking dreams, and most importantly, another year of sufficient grace.

my goals for 2008, practical and spiritual:
see the great wall
finally make it to russia
end the year doing something i enjoy
write more
read more
listen more
talk less
breathe more
stress less
pray more
forgive more
laugh more
love more

and decrease, that He might increase

every day, i die a little more

"always be a first-rate version of yourself instead of a second-rate version of somebody else."
or so the saying goes.

or maybe i just get a little closer to confirming the plain fact that i, indeed, have no dignity.

we're learning christmas songs at school, which is glorious because christmas is glorious and my kids are glorious. you put both together, and you can only get good things. savvy?

i've never considered myself to be much of a dancer. but for some reason, any insecurities that i might have or that, in fact, i do have in the real world, somehow, miraculously, don't matter within the confines of usas.

somehow, i managed to pull off singing 2 versions of jingle bells and jingle bell rock with my kids. it's redundant, much, but i certainly didn't plan it that way. we're practicing for the school-wide celebration, and also taking a little time out of our overly-serious lives to be ridiculous. or at least that's how i like to see it. k1 has it all down. their version of jingle bells is funny and sweet and innocent. they kind of know the words and kind of don't. and they don't have the capacity to sing with any sort of tune, so they shout something that sounds like the words and the proper rhythm. sometimes they even cover their own ears because it's so dissonant. but i have to admire their spirit.

as some of you know, my g3 class and i are up and down. for about a month, however, we've been at peace. i'm hoping it lasts. some days, the chinese teachers ask me how i manage them and don't hate them all; they're loud and fierce and competitive and have no shame whatsoever.
and they're amazing, did i mention that? mostly, they make me laugh. i've instituted a system of checks and x's for them. as one so eloquently put:
me: who remembers how the x's and checks work?
him: if you have many checks, you can get cool points. 1 x means cannot play the game, 2 x's means cannot play dodgeball, 3 x's means writing, 4 x's, i don't know, and 5 x's you probably have to stay all night.
this seems to work, because the world just might fall to pieces without dodgeball.
they're singing jingle bell rock, the words to which they picked up instantly. our actions are absurd, but they pull it off because they're incredibly spirited. they have a bit of a pyramid situation going on, with the most outgoing students in the front and the least in the back; not because i organized it this way, but because that's how they fall naturally. it looks surprisingly cool and the whole act is almost like a mock show tune. but they can hear us downstairs and the chinese teachers kept peeping in to have a look (and telling me they think it's hilarious), so we must be doing something all right. i feel silly, because i look silly, but they're my favorite act.

and i've re-inherited g5. we have a lot of fun, and we choreographed a far more complicated version of jingle bells, with switching and twirling and swinging, oh my! they're fun, and ever-so-easy to teach, because i don't have to worry so much about what they do and don't understand. i told them that they have to show some spirit. at least more spirit than g4 and g6. consequently, this means that i, too, have to be spirited if i want any kind of result. and in this case, who needs aerobics? i'm jumping and twirling and yelling and dancing just to get them to loosen up.

no dignity, whatsoever.

almost.

"what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."
or so the saying goes.

i somehow convinced chris to take the scooter to chinese class last night. despite our incomplete knowledge of taipei above ground, and despite our uncertainty of which roads, exactly, we're allowed to take on a scooter, we didn't die. i thought we might when he unknowingly cruised onto the renai roundabout. apparently, he thought i jumped off the scooter when i saw the car coming straight for us, but no. just a little scared, that's all.

i get better and then i get worse. it's been almost 4 years since that accident, and like clockwork, i feel worse when the seasons change. summer goes well, but winter comes and my back seizes up once again. i go for massages periodically. i find that they help, but it's only temporary. the doctor has always told me to be active. keep stretching. and i am active, but my flexibility is so bad i can't even touch my toes.
it makes me angry, on occasion, that it was all so avoidable. to know that i could be 22 and not have a persistent, lingering pain in my back. on the whole, i try not to dwell on it too much. i try to ignore it. push through it. i try not to let it bother me. because that's how i deal. but it's frustrating to know that it's just there. that i have two options... let it bother me or ignore it. i choose the latter because i only have one life.
am i an ingrate for feeling this way? i'm lucky to be alive. i'm lucky to be as well as i am. but it makes me angry that i have to drag this around with me everywhere. and angrier when i think about some of the things the lawyers have said to me over the years. i think "amusing" was the exact word. amusing because he, a man twice my age and twice my weight, had thrown his back out before and failed to see how my situation was any different. oh, how i seethed that day. i wanted to scream, and sometimes i still do. i wanted to tell him that if he felt that way, surely he wouldn't object to me putting his own daughter under the truck so that she could feel exactly how i did. no more, no less. after all, it was "amusing," wasn't it? if it was so amusing, surely he would maintain the same sense of humor? oh, that wouldn't be funny, mr. lawyer? then why would you say that to me? are you soul-less?

i've realized that i rarely talk about it. i don't want to complain. but it's worse than i let on. some days are better and others are worse. i know part of the reason "amusing" was the word is because i keep going. because it doesn't seem apparent in my life. that's just me, i want to say to them all. that's just what i do. i keep going. it's my method. i force myself to keep moving through all the undesirable events in my life. my job(s), depression, homesickness, a break-up, school, moving away... all of it. if i could, i would tell them all that i don't say anything because complaining incessantly is for the faint of heart... it doesn't help anything. whining and saying i can't i can't i can't is for those who let life get to them too much. and i would ask them if any aspect of my life displays faint-heartedness. i'm not a girly-girl. i'm not and have never been delicate. i'm not a girl who likes to admit she needs anyone. i'm a trouble-shooter. a survivor. a fighter. and yet, it seems, to be this way makes my pain "amusing."




this was never meant to be this long. but like i said, it's been almost 4 years coming.

of all the things...

"all you need is love."
or so the saying goes.

i'm not a weeper.

anymore.

i would say that i never have been, but as i think about it, this isn't true. i cried enough to nearly drive my parents to insanity as a toddler. i spent an entire summer and then some crying when i came back from england. partially because i wasn't in england anymore, but mostly over boys. that was a lot of reshaping, and i think crying was the only way i knew how to release whatever confusion or frustration i was feeling.

but when ivan and i broke up 13... almost 14 months ago (wow, it's been that long?), i think i flipped a switch inside myself. i spent exactly one day crying over it, and never did again. in fact, i didn't even cry when i got a little bruised by recklessness during semester that followed. again, boys were involved. sure, i got my feelings hurt, but nothing that ever drove me to tears. then i cried... i mean, really cried... the day layce left. and again when arlee passed away.

but i sold or gave away everything i owned back in the states, said goodbye to everyone i loved, and missed aaron and kirsten's wedding and still didn't shed a tear. i even thought i would get a little misty when chad left (rinjani + 10 hours a day, 5 days a week might do that to a person), but nothing.

so why did i cry today over something so silly? thanks to the glories of technology, i've been able to stay in close contact with a good number of my friends back home. e-mail, text messaging, skype, facebook, blogging... i still feel close to them even when i'm so far away. this and the fact that i was so ready to be away have made adjusting to taiwan extremely easy. no need to cry, because my friends are just a skype call away, right? today, when i logged onto myspace to check some messages, i discovered an e-mail from matt. anyway, it was simple: "seriously, i miss you so much. come back." him being a man of few words in general, and even fewer words that aren't teeming with sarcasm, this was a surprise to me. and what surprised me even more was that i got all choked up and started to cry a little.

yeah, what?

he's always told me that one of the beauties of our relationship is that he can say anything to me, for no other reason than because i'm joy. over the years, the honesty has been helpful, especially since he simultaneously drives me crazy and provokes an unnatural (like spending 24 hours with k1 students and not yelling at them unnatural) amount of patience from me. and vice versa, i think.

that was a rabbit trail, but i think the reason i'm saying all this is because his comment and my reaction represent how much i miss the honesty of my friendships back in california. i lived an emotionally reckless existence back home. i wore my heart on my sleeve, never afraid to tell people that i loved them or what i thought. yes, i can tell matt anything and not worry about what it'll do to either of us, but i feel the same way about many people back home. they're the kind of relationships that allow me to be vulnerable and protected at the same time. the kind that made me feel absolutely comfortable with being myself from day one. the reason why college was such a beautiful experience... because i didn't feel like i was pretending, not even from the very first day i spent in orange. i have always felt that my friends, my true, lasting friends, have had my very best interest at heart.

despite being very happy in taiwan, i've found myself to be especially guarded. i keep things to myself that i normally wouldn't, because i'm afraid, very afraid, of revealing what i really think to anyone. i make jokes. a lot. or i say nothing. my capacity for being closed off surprised me most a few weekends ago. i noticed that i was actually trying to keep others outside my "self" bubble. and my commitment to doing so seems to know no limits. if i feel exposed, i throw out sarcasm or irony or disdain as a shield. i, joy, someone who always made it a point to be fiercely open and honest, found myself recoiling. and then i thought about it, and i've been doing it for a few months now. and i've realized that most of the things i say or do are simply incomplete. a half-hearted version of myself, because, for some reason, i think i'm just too afraid. that's so silly, but it's as if i've had a taste of what it feels like to play my cards close to the chest, and now i'm addicted to my half "self." as if i simply hope to protect myself, from what, i'm not exactly sure. but the idea of being anything else doesn't feel like an option right now. oh man, it's like being in 8th grade all over again.

and thanks to my shields, i'm definitely not a weeper.

anymore.

not gonna lie, the power feels pretty good.








.......but i much prefer the vulnerability. how do i go about trusting people enough to get it back?.....

the stuff good stories are made of

"in the struggle for survival, the fittest win out at the expense of their rivals"
or so the saying goes.

last weekend, i decided the time had come for me to venture outside taipei. certainly, i'd been to taichung before, but i'd never visited southern taiwan, much less taken a weekend trip since i arrived in june. then fate smiled upon me in the form of other peoples' general restlessness. as chad is leaving in about 3 weeks, he's been really keen on making the most of his last days here. because we celebrated 10/10 last week, he took advantage of the holiday to go to kenting, a beach town very near the southernmost tip of taiwan. he invited chris and me to come along. while chris was busy with mormon stuff this weekend, i thought it would make a good excuse for me to get out of town for a while. though i would be arriving 3 days later, at least i would know someone there to explore/get into mischief with. furthermore, mitch and his friend sam were heading down there for an extended holiday as well, and as the proverb goes, the more the merrier. when i'm involved, however, it is always an adventure. this is a fact i must always establish, assess, and accept every time i leave the house. establish, because i know how things go. assess, mostly monetarily. how much can i afford the mishaps that will undoubtedly come? and accept, because 99% of the situation is how you deal with it. some say it's the law of attraction at play, but i call it mostly blind luck.

i made my way down to kaoschung early saturday morning. well, early is a relative term. actually it was mid-morning, but the cool thing is that taiwan has already established a high speed rail system, which makes a trip across the entire country merely 1.5 hours of relaxation and countryside. i got into kaoschung before noon, hoping to catch a bus to kenting within the hour and get there by the early afternoon. because i had no idea where anything is, i took a cab, who seemed to mostly understand what i was telling him. unfortunately, mostly isn't quite good enough when asking for the bus station, because he took me to the dodgiest bus depot i've ever seen. and i've seen some dodgy bus depots. i got out and cringed a little, wondering how i was ever going to find a way to kenting, when another friendly bus driver who was on break, noticed my apparent befuddlement and asked me if i needed help. his english was minimal, but i managed to convey to him that i wanted to go to kenting.
wo yao qu kenting.
he pointed to what looked like a city bus, and told me that was a good way to get there. great, i thought. my new-found friend then told the city bus driver where i wanted to go, i purchased a ticket, and hesitantly boarded a bus headed toward oblivion. yes, oblivion. i had no idea where it was going or if i was even going the right way.
this might be a good time to note that while it takes you 1.5 hours to get 90% of the way to kenting, it takes approximately 3 to travel the remaining 10%. southern taiwan is nothing like my world in taipei. taipei is lively and busy. the world of southern taiwan is... desolate... void of human occupancy. the bus stopped at non-bus-stops, and people kept getting on and off at random. i planted myself in my chair, and told myself over and over that, no matter where this bus was going, as long as i didn't leave, i wouldn't be lost in the middle of nowhere. even if i ended up back in kaoschung, at least i could find sign of human life there. my 3 hour trip went something like... shack... shack... bus stop... shack... oh, 7-11!... field... mountain... shack. and on and on until we reached the coast. from this point on, it would be a matter of figuring out which sparsely-populated beach civilization was supposed to be kenting, the so-called tourist capital of southern taiwan. furthermore, chad wasn't answering his phone. he knew i would be coming into town, but i heard nothing from him. i resolved myself to the fact that i would have a good time no matter what, even if i was my only company.

finally, my bus driver pulled over to a non-descript bus stop and nodded in my direction. the thicker crowds of people outside and my semi-useful map in lonely planet taiwan seemed to indicate that this was, in fact, kenting. i stepped outside and found my way to the nearest coffee shop, where i pondered my next plan of attack. let's see... chad wasn't answering his phone, i didn't have mitch's number, and i didn't have a place to stay. first priority was figuring out where i could stay, then devising a way to get a hold of my comrades. the luxury of being in reach to teach is that, while i didn't have mitch's contact information, someone else in my phone was bound to. and! i was lucky enough to find that person. unlike chad, whose phone died, mitch answered his phone and told me that they were at a shooting range, but that they would call me when they came back for dinner. that left only the hotel. despite the fact that kenting is in virtually the middle of nowhere, there is a slough of hotels there. surely, one of them would have a place to stay. unfortunately, at the first 20 i tried, i got an unhappy result:
duibuqi, wo yao fangjian. ni you meiyou yi ge?
yi ge fangjian jiu?
dui. wo yao shuijiao.
meiyou!
aiyo!
this went on nearly an hour until one of the hotel owners was kind enough to call some friends and find me an open room. i had a place to stay and i had reached the guys, so i was good. onto the beach! kenting is arguably the most beautiful place i've visited here. the beach was serene and extremely clean. there are no waves here, and it's surprising how peaceful it is when you can barely hear the feeble crashing of the waves on the beach. i had some good music, and paced up and down, in and out of the water for almost 2 hours. the beach made me feel connected once again to california and all the feelings associated with it. for the first time in a while, i felt like myself again. i really must visit the beach more often.

mitch broke the silence when he called, and i made my way over to their hotel, where i found 3 disheveled men... chad the worst of them all. apparently, through an unexpected twist of events in his own schedule, he had come to kenting with only one change of clothes. this had led him to purchase new underwear just that morning and the best shirt ever. it was a muscle tank with a skinny boy on it flexing his muscles. at the bottom it said "i'm number 1!" i could tell he hadn't bothered to shave in days. tired though i was after my day of travel, i was happy to see them all, and they disclosed their plans for the evening. dinner. night market. possibly a club, a pub, or ktv. beach. hookah. not necessarily in that order. those who know me well also know i'm game for anything, so i told them to lead the way. we wandered through the nightmarket, exploring hand-made crafts and unusual clothes, and playing with the idea of a henna tattoo. i still think i'm going to get one, if only to experiment with how exactly i feel about having something marked on my body. our wanderings eventually led to a nearby pub, where we ordered a large hookah and a few pitchers of beer. i had one of the loveliest conversations i've experienced in months that night. starting over is something i need in my life. i give second chances generously, and grasp any opportunity to build from new chances. after hours of conversation at the pub, we made our way back to the boys' room, where mitch and i stayed up all night watching the rugby world cup and the colbert report... chad and sam made it through some, but couldn't muster the willpower to stay awake the whole time. even i faded in and out. i trudged home rather tired around 5:30am, where i slept on a very hard mattress.

the next day brought many adventures. it began with a quiet breakfast and a morning at the beach, a few hours of shopping and exploring, and then an eventual scooter rental. this time, however, i did not crash it. i found a shop, and the proprietor asked me several times if i'd ever driven one before. yes, i said. yes, i'm a foreign woman, but i have driven one. unfortunately, it didn't look very good that i couldn't remember where the brake was, but she hesitantly handed the scooter over, and i got the hang of it quickly. i drove up and down the coast, attempting to understand the arbitrary traffic rules and praying to God that i wouldn't get stranded. when i came back to familiarity, mitch called and asked if i was up for something. i told him i had planned to take another bus ride from hell back to kaoschung in the late afternoon so that i could catch a train back to taipei. well, he said, he and sam were going to stop at the aquarium and then drive back to kaoschung, so i may as well go with them, right? at least i'd have company, and it would be a new experience. i agreed that it sounded like the way to go.

in theory, that is.

we left the aquarium when it closed, hoping to get back to kaoschung in two hours. unfortunately, after a few wrong turns and way too much time at dinner, we did not get back into town until 9:30. we returned our scooters and dawdled back to the train station, only to discover that the last high speed train had left at... 9:30. we were screwed. the next train back to taipei wasn't high speed and wasn't leaving until 11:30. this meant arrival in taipei around 5:30 or 6:00. or we could wait for the next hs train in the morning, but that would bring us into taipei too late, and sam and i wouldn't make it to work on time. this left the bus. a 4 hour ride that couldn't possibly be too hard to secure, right? well, you would think it wouldn't be difficult, but it was. it felt like the entire city wanted a night bus. terrible thoughts kept running through my mind. what if we were stuck here all night? what if we couldn't take the first hstrain out in the morning? what if we were stuck here all day tomorrow as well, and i had to explain my irresponsibility to my boss? how screwed, exactly, would i be? after an hour of searching and being put on waiting lists, i was beginning to lose hope, though i tried to maintain a positive exterior. sam wasn't talking altogether because he didn't want to lose it, and mitch was getting more noticeably frustrated by the second. i tried to laugh it off, but my brain was screaming at me. i was so tired. i'd hardly slept at all the entire weekend, and i would have to be energetic for my kids the nenxt day. finally, when we thought we might not find anything, we found two separate buses. i went by myself, while they waited for the later bus out. i think mitch felt bad, as it was based on his guarantee of speedy transport back to taipei that we arrived in kaoschung so late. needless to say, i didn't get home until about 5a.m. i slept for 2 1/2 hours, then got myself to work. it was a long day, especially since i have chinese on monday nights, but i kept telling myself that i was lucky to make it at all.

and that, my friends, was kenting. i can't wait to go back.



on a topic unrelated in even the most remote way, i think my ipod is dead. i don't know how or why this happened. it simply froze. i'm running out the battery right now, hoping that it might unfreeze it. i really haven't been abusive to this ipod, so i'm baffled as to what happened to it. but it's almost 3 years old and therefore, will have to be replaced in the not-too-distant future. i'm hoping it can't hear me. sometimes i hate technology.

also, i don't normally talk about music here, and it's been a long time since i've said anything, but... well... i really, really love anberlin's semi-new album "cities." i've been following them on and off since i was a freshman in college, and i'm extremely impressed with the quality of their music over the years. what began as merely an attempt to depart from stereotypical mainstream christian music has led to some truly beautiful songwriting. high five, stephen christian.

sometimes (and by that i mean often), i do nonsensical things

like today. i ran 5 miles when i got home from chinese class. this is probably because i wanted to demonstrate at least minimal control over my own life. if i can't control the fact that i still have a meeting tomorrow, i'm not getting paid for another 10 days, i have a chinese test in a week, the clothes i washed 36 hours ago still aren't dry, and my children still don't understand what a yellow (or red) line means, i can at least force myself into shape.

...right?

runs are also the times when i have epiphanies about what i'm doing and why, and when i find a renewed sense of purpose in my life. who knew? today's grand realization was that i need to make myself more lists.

this is marty.

"cleanliness is next to godliness."
or so the saying goes.

so i realized today that i have said scarcely anything about my abode since i moved to taipei in june. to be perfectly honest, it's because i didn't really want you to see it. it's been in a state of semi-madness since i moved here, though it's had its brief moments of relative organization. relative being the operative word, of course.

i feel that i need to say something about why this is so - to explain/defend myself, if you will. you see, this is the first time i've really had my own place, though one could argue that it's still not even mine.

what i mean, though, is that i haven't had my very own space since i moved away from temecula 5 years ago. sure, i had my own room then, but my mother converted it into my brother's bedroom almost immediately after i left. this didn't upset me or anything. i still had 3 brothers living at home, and 2 of them were still sharing, so it only seemed fair that one would get my old room. then brian moved out, and christopher promptly took over his old space. what can i say? my old room has never quite lost its girlish charm or aura, so he couldn't wait to move out. presently, it's a guest room. it's comfortably neutral, neither mine nor anyone else's, though i do stay there when i occasionally come back to temecula. granted, i have to fight brian for it, but it's rare that we're home at the same time.

so since i moved out of my parents' house, i've lived in 7... count 'em... 7 different places. i moved twice my first year at chapman, due to an intolerable living situation. i don't speak of my first room... i think i mostly like to pretend that that first month never existed. i stayed in braden for the rest of the school year, then moved home for the summer. i then moved back to chapman, but had to switch dorms again because a roommate bailed. it was back to braden for a little over half the term, but then i had to leave for london in january. i spent half a year in london, fortunately in the same room, then came back to temecula for 2 months before moving to la casita de limon, where i stayed until i moved to taipei. whew.

in all those places, i always lived in a state of relative residence. i settled in, all the while knowing that my time there was very limited. the closest i've ever come to my own place was la casita de limon, but even then, i was starkly aware that one, i would be leaving after college, two, i didn't want to take up too much space because there were 5 of us crammed in there, and three, i didn't have much money. when i got some, it went into my wardrobe instead of my living space. i've always kept my space in such a way that i could pack it all up within a day if i really wanted to. i kept extra boxes under my bed, and limited my belongings to things i could carry in two suitcases and a carry-on. and always always always, come moving day, everything could be fit into one car. i never got attached to my belongings because, more likely than not, they probably couldn't come to wherever i was going next. and yes, i'm a chronic minimalist.

so here i am in taipei, the same old scenario facing me once again. i'm in a place, but i once again have no intention of staying. come next june, i expect to embark on a new adventure, whatever and wherever that may be. and once again, i expect to pack my life away neatly into two suitcases and a carry-on.

so what exactly happened today? i suppose i realized that my nomadic lifestyle, while exciting, has left me unable to find a place to call home. and today, as i pondered this, i realized how difficult it has become. i thought about how frustrating i was at la casita de limon to have to search through boxes to find some of the things i needed. i thought about how semi-decorated my place always was - how i put my own personality into a little corner of the house, but left almost all the rest of it untouched. i thought about how, in england, i feel like i barely even unpacked - just moved things from suitcases to drawers and back again. and here i am in taipei, the same way. i've been keeping many items simply in a drawer, and other things still haven't been unpacked. like jewelry, for instance. i've taken out what i've worn, but it still gets tucked away into the same little bag that i brought it all in, every single time. and as i've pondered bringing new things into my little hovel, i've always told myself that it's unnecessary because, hey - it probably can't come with me anyway.

but today. today, i snapped. this saturday was just like many of the other saturdays i've had here. i did various chores and laundry, just like i always do, tried to find suitable spaces to hang my wet clothes (this is always a problem for me), then glanced briefly at my bed. i winced a little because it's simply uninviting, no matter how accustomed i am to it, no matter how many nights i've slept well in it. because i had limited packing space, i brought limited bedlinens. i brought one large top sheet that could be tucked into any sized bed (i wasn't sure how large my bed would be), another top sheet - this one twin-sized, and my beloved blue blanket that sarice gave me for my 19th birthday. my bed here, however, is not exactly a double but not exactly a queen either. it is thus far too big for my top red top sheet or sarice's blanket, though the other sheet covers the mattress sufficiently. i've simply moved things around to suit my sleeping needs. today, though, i looked at my bed irritably. it just wasn't enough anymore. my top sheet kept being pulled from under the mattress because it's not designed to be tucked away. i have one pillow, but it's not enough, especially since my bed is made for two. and the other blankets just aren't enough. that's it, i said to myself. i'm going to buy sheets today.

so i went on an adventure in the taipei ikea, which is a whole lot of glorious things all in one space. and as i walked around my private haven, i started to think about the fact that my place really doesn't feel like it's mine at all. i realized that, though i know i have to pack everything up or get rid of it before i leave next june, i'm tired of coming home, but never completely feeling like i'm in a state of rest. i'm tired of feeling like i'm still in a hotel - still living partially out of my bags and never feeling like i have the freedom to personalize my surroundings. so with all the temptations of ikea around me, i caved. and i spent my entire afternoon decorating my apartment. granted, there isn't much space and i'm still a hard-core minimalist, but i had to do something to make my burrow more inviting to myself after a long day at work. having never actually decorated a place on purpose, this was very exciting for me. i've always just pulled together bits and pieces of my other places for each room i've lived in after that. but here - i had the freedom to do something new! so i found some fun items in the colors the suit me best - red, green, and black. i guess if i have to get rid of most of it when i leave, so be it. but for the next 10 months, i'm going to be a very happy girl.

here are some pictures of my surroundings:
my desk with a basket for me to organize the many things i use every day. i have three primary bags: a regular purse, a bag for paperwork or homework, and my traipsing bag. as keys, mrt cards, and money tends to switch bags almost every day, i thought this might be a good place to keep it all, instead of combing my apartment frantically before leaving for work every morning. also, please note the red seat covering, the green candle, my plant marty, the red rug next to the bathroom and my sarong from indonesia, all things i put out today. also, you might not be able to see it, but i now have chinese tivo, which is pretty much useless to me because all but like 12 channels are in chinese. and the program itself is in chinese so i couldn't even record shows if i wanted to. you all might also be asking yourself why i have a rug outside my bathroom. well gentlemen and women of the western world, welcome to a culture where they do not bother to separate your bathroom into neat little sections for you. normally, you might thing, a proper bathroom needs a space for a toilet, a space for a sink, and a space for a bath/shower. this is not true my friends, as asian culture for some reason deems this an inefficient use of space. so why bother separating it when you can have it all crammed into a little 4x6ft. area? my bathroom, it turns out, is so much more than this, and spends the greater part of its existence sopping wet. my solution is to close the door, crack the window, and use it as a place to hang clothes on occasion. as it was wet when i was taking these pictures and is now housing all my wet underwear, i did not take a picture of my bathroom for you. it is, however, very clean despite its almost perpetual state of dampness. by some miracle of God, i don't have mildew or mold. however, the floor always seems to have some sort of moisture on it, and unfortunately my feet get very dirty from walking around taipei or very slippery after i've taken a shower. ergo, i either track dirt around my apartment or i slip and slide. my solution is, now, to put a rug outside my door.












moving on - here's my new bed, complete with red sheets, new pillows, and the really awesome colorful pillow they had for like 1USD at ikea. yesssssss.










here's a little bit more of my apartment. you can see some of my "kitchen" area, my wardrobe, and a few shoes i was too lazy to put away before taking this picture. yes, i realize that there are many bottles on my refrigerator. okay, here's the deal, people. i'm saving them to recycle. however, the garbage trucks only come by once a day at the same time, so if i miss them, i don't get to throw my trash away. and they stay for like 1 minute tops, so i have just enough time to throw away whatever i can carry in two hands before they leave. one time, i actually chased a truck, and it didn't slow down, so i had to hurl my garbage into it from like 10 feet away. garbage stops for no one. i sometimes go over a week without throwing my trash away. taipei is virtually void of garbage cans, so i have to simply bide my time. the last time the truck came by, i had to use the opportunity to throw away the priority items - i.e. the regular garbage and the garbage in my bathroom. next time, folks. next time.


and finally. meet marty.


marty is my orchid, clearly. there's that saying that you really don't get attached to something unless you've named it. so naming it is just another step in actually keeping it alive, right? as i thought about an appropriate name for my orchid, i was inclined to give it a more delicate name than marty. i mean, i've always been under the impression that orchids are delicate flowers. ah, but i don't think marty is delicate at all. he's been alive for nearly 2 weeks, arguably longer than i've ever kept anything alive. and he still looks pretty good at that. he sits here by himself all day, and only requires water about once every other day. my apartment gets a paltry bit of natural sunlight, but marty doesn't care... he just keeps blooming. he's there to greet me when i wake up and when i come home from work, and just hangs out looking beautiful and patient even when i'm discouraged by my horrid chinese. i daresay that it takes an especially patient and resilient plant to live with me, so "marty" is perfectly appropriate. if he actually stays alive till i have to leave next june, i'm not sure what i'm going to do with him. it seems unfortunate to have to get rid of something that actually survived that long, but i doubt marty would like traipsing through russia much. maybe he'll find a home just like layce's larry...

one step towards child-rearing

"no day but today."
or so the saying goes.

for the past few years, i've become progressively insecure about my maternal instincts. i've had roommates who couldn't wait to have children. they love love love babies and kids, and show it in their abilities to take care of ill college students such as me. yes, with all the classes and hours at work, i spent the greater part of my college years recovering from some bout with illness. i once told heather that i wasn't sure i even had the mommy gene in me. i mean, i'd feel fairly ready if i did, right? i could barely take care of myself, let alone someone else. my own personal philosophy is to just suck it up, but it's not like i can say that to a kid as he or she complains of a sore throat.

heather's advice (probably inspired by 28 days): "we just need to buy you a plant, joy. if that lives, we'll move on to a pet. and if that's successful, well, maybe you'll feel better about humans."


so in the spirit of joy and maybe making my apartment a little more cheerful, i went to the flower market today and bought a plant. a real, live plant. dusty pink large orchids, in fact. i even bought some soil and a new pot in which to transport it. ah, here's to praying for inspiration.

movement

"God works in mysterious ways."
or so the saying goes.

today was an odd day. a day when i had the distinct feeling that i was exactly where God wanted me. one of those days when nothing really went my way, but for one reason or another, i had the fortitude to keep trying. what i want, i'm not sure. what i'm meant for, i scarcely know. could today have been a preview?

i'll tell you straight up...

"son, you'd better check yo'self before you wreck yo'self."
or so the saying goes.

i am spontaneously and inexplicably growing balls all over the place lately, even in the most awkward and borderline inappropriate situations. maybe it's because i really don't think i have anything to lose anymore. only took 4 some-odd years.

but i like it. honesty is liberating. watch yourself; you're probably next.

an ode to steve

"the only person you can ever count on is yourself."
or so the saying goes.

let me be transparent for a moment. since i graduated from college, i've been dealing with bouts of depression. on occasion, it was "i don't want to get up" kind of depression, albeit that only lasted a few days, or maybe a week. i am not and have never been, however, a defeatist. i think that, if i really concentrate, i will probably be able to take control of my depression (or almost-depression, depending on how you look at it), and channel it into a more productive life. because i have extra time on my hands, i've concluded that this is now the perfect time to concentrate on aspects of my life to which i have not had time to attend during school. as i spent four years as a chronic insomniac due to stress, the absence of such stress has now presented the perfect time for me to polish up my life. i was happy to hear that my good friend nichole is doing the same. of the many things i would like to accomplish, here are a few short-term goals:
1) cultivate a more disciplined lifestyle
go to bed earlier and wake up earlier. this is hard for me, but i'm really trying. i don't like it when i lose a great deal of the day because i'm sleeping. i also am not fond of hangovers or a disorganized/dirty living space. i now rarely go to the bars with my friends because i prefer to have a quiet conversation over a cup of coffee or dinner. but i also acknowledge that everyone needs a release on occasion, so i don't condemn those who enjoy the bar scene more than i do. i'm slowly discovering that it requires a lot of discipline to maintain a tidy living space. while i can't control my roommates' living habits, i am making it a habit to keep my room exceptionally clean and organized. i make my bed much more often and am more deliberate about where i put paperwork and clothing. i have found that a tidier environment makes me a much more relaxed person, and has turned my room from a place to crash to a private haven.
2) deal with my acne
i'm 21, and i think my face is still far worse than it needs to be. while it's not severe enough to require acutaine or another harsh medication, it drives me crazy. i wash my pillowcases often, am disciplined about cleansing my face, and don't wear any heavy make-up, yet i still deal with break-outs. i've also realized that half my problem is simply scarring, but it makes my face look uneven, splotchy, and pubescent at best. my friend struggles far more than i do (she's turned to the 'taine), so i asked her for some advice. she recommended a few products to me, so i am hoping that some better make-up will give me a better complexion.
3) learn to cook
this is ridiculous. i've been living independently since i was 19. england. and while pasta and soup was acceptable there, it does not suffice here anymore. i'm tired of eating the same foods over and over with no tangible recipes in mind. i'm smart enough to know how to cook. so i bought myself a vegetarian cookbook, and i'm hoping that i'll be able to provide myself with more nutrients and variety.
4) improve my speech patterns
i have a degree in english. i know how to express myself, but i would like to be as articulate in person as i am on paper. paper is great because it is forgiving of pauses and omissions, while life is not. i use the words "like" and "um" far more than i should. so my first goal is to eradicate "like," and then move on to "um." i am speaking more slowly now, but i know that it takes practice. eventually, i think that i will be able to express myself with eloquence and speed, but it is going to be difficult for a while.
and finally...
5) lose a few pounds and stay in shape
it's self-explanatory, really. i'm not fat, but i know when my body isn't right. i would be extremely happy to lose 5 pounds or so. and i used to be competitive. it's weird not to be competing anymore, and i want to feel good about my fitness again.



on another topic...
for those who don't know, japan hasn't completely come through for me. this doesn't mean i'm not going, but it's also not absolute that i am. as a result, i'm looking into some other work options. let's face it: i'm about ready to bid the bux adieu. i'm attending some career fairs in my spare time, seeing if anything materializes. unfortunately/fortunately, i needed to do some shopping to find appropriate clothing. while it wasn't difficult to find clothes, since i do already have the necessary black skirt and tops are prolific, shoes were another story. all i wanted was plain black pumps. that's it! it's not hard! but there are no black pumps to be found anywhere. they're all peep toe. not quite professional, and we all know that styles come and go. peep-toes will be out soon, but most plain heels won't go out of style. i went to all the usual discount stores to find them: payless, target, ross. i did find some at target, but they had a bow, were already scuffed, and i didn't particularly care for them anyway.

then i gave dsw a try. for those who have never been, it's a store that sells designer items on a discounted price - a sort of shoe warehouse, if you will. i wandered through the numerous aisles of shoes: colored shoes, peep-toed shoes, strappy shoes, wedged shoes, thong shoes, open-toed shoes, close-toed shoes, ugly shoes... none of them particularly appealing because they were the wrong color or a far too casual style, until--
















there they were. the shoes for which i'd been searching. the shoes that had been eluding me for two weeks. who knew it would be so damn hard to find plain black pumps, no bows, no frills, no toes? and they were perfect. they were courtesy of none other than steve madden. okay, so they weren't $25 like the ones i found at target, but i see them as an investment. given that they'll never truly go out of style, they're extremely comfortable, they're versatile... good for the office or with a pair of jeans, and they're a better quality so they won't break down as quickly, i'll probably wear them several more years.

now that i've said these things, i think it would be a good time for me to gush about how much i love steve. i'm slowly starting to realize that it's one of my favorite shoe designers. steve's shoes are classic, sexy, and exceedingly comfortable. i always stop by the steve madden table when i'm shopping, if just to look, because i always love the simplicity and the sophistication of steve's designs. i, like any bargain-lovin' college student (or former college student) i know, can appreciate a cheap find. while i wouldn't include the shoes i bought in europe in the equation, i have been known to dance all night in my red wet seal peep-toe pumps to save a few (dozen) bucks.

nevertheless, a few months ago, i was fortunate enough to acquire these, also courtesy of steve.















so they were a bit of a splurge, but note the massive heel. 4 inches, people! yet they're so comfortable, i can wear them all day and still go dancing in them at night. my much less expensive shoes numbed my feet for days after merely one night out with the girls. but not these. these went all over houston with me, in and out of museums, and got numerous compliments in the process.

in short. i love shoes. i think european shoes are the best. but if europe is too far away, steve is pretty awesome, too, and i'd definitely wear them in europe. or asia, if that works out. or both, if life works out the way i hope.

i struggle with forward motion

"don't count your chickens before they've hatched."
or so the saying goes.

it's finally happening. i think i'm finally crashing. the truth is, i thought i was too far beyond this for it to catch up with me. anybody who knows me will tell you that i'm a fighter, that i believe i am in control of my circumstances. life, love, happiness, and being okay are a choice, and i actively choose them all. i'm of the "it's not something you feel, it's something you do" school of thought. truthfully, i have not shed a single tear since september 30, 2006. i had somehow convinced myself that it was a competition; i needed to care even less than he seemed to care that day. and i resolved myself to feeling nothing, because it didn't deserve my attention. as badly as i knew it hurt, i was not going to let it affect me, and i was going to make it make me into a better person.

the funny thing is that i have realized that there are an infinite number of ways to not have to confront a situation. i kept telling myself that i'd face it eventually.
after my birthday.
after that paper.
after that presentation.
after school.
after christmas.
when the new year came.
when i was back in orange county.
after i was done saying goodbye to kyle.
when heather got back from london.
after las vegas.
when i heard from the jet program.
when school began for everyone.
after i'd paid the bills.
after thursday night... next week.
after the jet interview.
maybe after i hung out with some people.
after my date.

it destroyed me inside to hear the things he said, in the manner in which he said them, a week after i told myself that i could do this.

so i supposed that if i could just feel beautiful, act beautiful, want to be beautiful, have others confirm that i'm beautiful, then ultimately, truthfully, deep down, i would be fine. and i thought that this time, this time, i had done something right, because i was more okay than i had ever been. the reality of my situation is, however, that nobody escapes such a confrontation without being hurt. and my choice would be to get hurt in the beginning, or later on, painfully all at once, or let it stretch out.

even though i know that a part of me has crashed inside, i haven't let myself cry, because i feel that, in some small way, that means he wins, that he mattered more to me than i did to him. and it infuriates me to my very core. it's a relief to know that i'm okay and that i am, honestly, over it. i know it every time i have a conversation with another guy, i can feel it, because i never, ever let myself think about him with even the slightest affection when i'm talking to someone else. and i never want to go back.

my friend told me today that it's okay: we're allowed to be sad because that's just part of the whole painful process. it doesn't make me any weaker. and i suppose i've finally come to terms with this. i think that a part of me is simply annoyed, put off if you will, that this occupies any of my thoughts at any time of the day, that i'm wasting any energy on it.

mentally, i know that it hurt. mentally, i know i'm okay with being sad and letting it go in the process. but something wells up inside me every time that blocks it, that tells me no no no no you will not succumb to this, because your life is so much better now. look, it's made you into a better person, so why cry? maybe one day i will cry; cry because it's simply part of acceptance. then again, maybe i won't have to. maybe every day, it seems a little more absurd to do so. i haven't decided how i feel, other than that i'm simply surprised, and perhaps simply disappointed. that's okay, right? it's okay to feel that way, isn't it?

maybe i'm simply having a bad week. i suppose we all have those once in a while. a bad day or a bad shift or a bad drunken experience or a bad date or a bad phone call or a bad meal. on so many levels, i feel a little like there's something off about my life, but i can't identify what it is. i'm in transition, on so many levels, and maybe every so often, we grasp for normalcy, for a time when we thought something was dependable. i've believed since as long as life got a little more complicated than it used to be, however, that movement is important; that so long as i move, i am open to wherever He might want to move me. i want to stave off complacency, to be excited, and to know that i'm ready for whatever happens next. we all doubt; it's a part of the human experience. and it's been one of those weeks when i simply wanted to grasp for something or someone who knows exactly what it feels like to go from knowing and having specific purpose and motivation to complete self-reliance. so long as everyone else has school and tests, i'm not sure that they can know. i've wanted so badly to talk to someone to can confirm that it's supposed to be this confusing, to feel this awkward. he understands, but opening that door jeopardizes all my progress.

people say that there is no God or that He left us all to our own devices, but i can't believe that is true. stop trying so hard to answer these questions, because He always provides. stop answering them your own way, for He will give them in a better way. i am trying to have more faith in the answers he provides, especially in all ways i don't expect. today, i was drinking coffee, and evan, who i never see, sat down with me at starbucks and we talked about how it feels to be done with school. it was good to know, if even on the surface, that my feelings weren't unusual, that it was okay to be confused and to struggle with motivation. movement. seek, and you will not go unanswered. desire and ask, and you will be satisfied.

i dare you to move
i dare you to move
i dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
i dare you to move
i dare you to move
like today never happened before

it's so difficult, when you just want to lie down and say "this will pass, it always does." and i believe it does, but it's not how i operate. but movement, saying "i'm ready to be better and i'm ready to do what i know is right, just please please answer me..." God has always answered me. and the desire to know in my own way dissipates.

sunshine, i'd really like to tell you are my sunshine

"save yo' drama for yo' mama."
or so the saying goes.

i haven't had anything to say in a while, and i've concluded that this is probably because i've been content. i read over a few of my blog entries over the past two years, and i realized how much time i've spent whining about my life. i still maintain that a lot of my last two years of college encompassed the hardest things i've ever had to do. but reading over those entries reminded me of how profoundly frustrated i was, and how happy i am to finally be on the other side.

perhaps i've grown up a lot, or i've learned to disconnect myself from circumstances beyond my control. or maybe, though i hope it isn't true, i'm just apathetic. a lot of what i've written about over the past few years has embodied my frustration with my inability to affect others' decisions, and especially my inability to change how they look at me. as a kid, i always listened to dr. laura, and now i'm beginning to see some truth to what she says; you can't control other people, just yourself. i pounded the ground for nearly a year because, no matter how hard i tried, i could not make my relationships work. for one reason or another, he was unhappy or disinterested. i'd bend over backwards to make him happy, but it didn't work. slowly, my self-worth dwindled to only being how good i was from another person's point of view. in most aspects of my life, hard work produces results, and i couldn't understand why this wouldn't work the same way. so i complained, all the while attempting to simply. be. okay.

perhaps i needed a year to realize that i don't believe that i'm made for anyone. it's not a result of cynicism, nor is this indicative of my feminist ideals. it's a combination of knowing that i'm made for One and One alone, and also realizing that two people are only as made for each other as they truly, deeply want to be. none of those failures represent anything about my worth, nor about how happy or unhappy i should be, and i'm only sorry that i complained so much about things i couldn't control in the first place. change is never easy, and i suppose it's simply been the painful process of tearing these ideas away from myself, ideas that had become so embedded that it felt like i was digging out parts of my very flesh to let them go.

never in my life have i been so content to be myself and with my friends and still so comfortable with letting things go. there's been so much grasping and grappling in the past, and it's a relief, a huge, deep, complete sigh i feel in my soul when i outwardly shrug. i don't look forward to any white gown or romantic fantasy because, whether or not it's even in my future is unimportant and not at all what i'm looking forward to. i look forward to nothing, because this concept of completion was never mine in the first place. i am complete, wanting nothing, and i acknowledged this the moment i knelt at the cross. every day, every breath, every step, every moment is a gift in the most generous form, not something to which i could ever entitle myself. i think that if i look to my future as a gift rather than an expectation, i will yield more gratefulness and compassion, and will be, in the most profound sense, complete and satisfied.