if you're looking to be authoritative...

...apparently, you need to look at me.

for whatever reason, i kicked ass in my teaching practice session yesterday. no, i'm not exaggerating. i just had a really, truly good day. i tried to envision all my pupils as kids to alleviate my anxiety, though i may or may not have been patronizing. i sure hope not.

during our feedback session, my more timid classmates were told to use my tone as an example of gentle and respectful authority in the classroom.

i will say that that is the first time anyone has ever told me that... ever. actually, that was my single-largest problem in taiwan. not with the kindergartners, but definitely with that whole s4 dynamic. i'd eventually just come to accept it. and in general, i'm not good at telling people what to do. ask my starbucks co-workers, with the exception of the new people. ask my friends, my family. i'm far too blue-white to exude any sort of authority over anyone anytime, except, apparently, in the classroom.

can it be that i'm actually just plain good at this?

an interesting thing happened to me at birth choice today.

prague, cz 2009-2010 ((romania, hungary, bulgaria, croatia))
world cup, south africa, summer 2010

and now. uganda, fall 2010??

could be.

when i was a baby, my parents used to pray for things like uganda.
i'm thinking that might be why the stability mechanism is broken.

finding validation.

once upon a time, a guy broke up with me (or claimed to break up with me) out of apathy. because he simply didn't care enough about me... who i was and what i did wasn't enough to generate him caring... i believe "mediocrity" was the word he used for me... though i've worked so hard to purge the memory that i might be mistaken.

and for a while, once upon a time, i actually believed that there was some truth to all the things he said. i racked my brain trying to figure out all the things i'd done wrong. and as hard as i worked, i couldn't escape the realization that, no this wasn't a dream, someone actually said that to me.

ultimately, what it made me was angry, and that anger later led to determination. and probably some form of bitterness and apathy. i don't really know, but i worry more about looking ahead than back.

and suddenly, maybe today or yesterday or even a few weeks ago, i felt as though i woke up. as though this past year hit me all at once. my year of chinese and countless responsibilities, my beautiful children. of moving away and fitting in, of making friends with people i love deeply, from all sorts of different backgrounds and lifestyles. of seeing the great wall before i died and finally making it to russia, and making more friends along the way. and despite how awful he made me feel about a social circle at starbucks... because apparently i was supposed to think myself above all my friends there... how many times those friends have e-mailed me to cheer me on... encouraged me to think big and fight hard to achieve all the things i want.

methinks my year has been beyond spectacular. all my fears have slowly been vanquished by success and all the people i love have slowly helped me find all the pieces of myself. i've learned that deep, meaningful love is measured in more ways than one and manifests itself in countless others.

2 years in dating exile and i've learned a lot about what it means to find one's own validation.

yeah, that break-up was bullshit.

i said goodbye

today, i thought i was going to make it without crying. i got through k2 barely phased. i hugged them all and told them how much i love them. they're my pride and joy, my legacy, my crown jewel, those k2 kids.

then on to k4, where they sang a song for me and gave me hugs. still nothing.

at lunch, the teachers threw me a party. they each bought me an individual present, though i had to earn it. also, i might add, this party was complete with zhenzhu naicha (my favorite), zhi pie (my other favorite!), cheese cake (my favorite dessert!), and gold watermelon! wow, they know me so well! am i really that transparent? but i still held on.

i had a party with g2, but most of them cried the whole time. i couldn't help but think to myself... this has to be the worst party ever, with all these sobbing children. i cried a little.

then came s4, the mother load. i had planned to simply make some root beer floats with them because they'd find it fun and we'd be silly. but my chinese teacher apparently had a very different idea, as they wouldn't let me in when i went to get some supplies. when they finally opened the door, all my children were lined up with neon bracelets singing "please and thank you, these are the magic words..."
after that, they played "ode to joy" for me on their recorders! no joke!
then we played a game. i'd pick a name out of a bag, they'd all look at it, then i'd have to ask questions to guess who the child was. when i found them, they had to stand up and say something nice to me "thank you, teacher joy..." etc etc. then they reversed it. each child had a piece of the class letter and a number. i had to pick a number. they'd stand, give me the piece, and i'd say something personal to them. i got through most of them all right, but then we got to the ones that i've spent the greater part of my year yelling at. it's a funny thing, that yelling, because they didn't even want me to say something to them... they just started to cry uncontrollably. when this happened, i lost it and found myself sobbing in front of all these kids. apparently, the crying continued long after class was over. i don't know why that broke my heart. i guess they know i love them despite the yelling.

notes 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7

fyi:
it is entirely possible to yell at kids every day for a year, and still feel like part of your soul is being chipped away when you say goodbye. you WILL find 3 year-olds to be both completely intolerable and completely incredible. elementary students and the speeches they give WILL put your education to shame. and beating all the boys in arm wrestling WILL make you "so cool," just like it did growing up... and ultimately, for no apparent reason, this will restore peace to your classroom. the unexpected side effect is that you will also be convinced that, one day, you want to have a whole bunch of sons.

if you bring your steve madden pumps to taipei, they will not fare well because the unearthly substance they use as tile caulk in the mrt will destroy the heel, and you WILL end up dropping them into a community recycling bin along with the other 90% of your wardrobe. oh, my heart. it hurts.

doing too many things at once WILL make you forget even the most habitual tasks: finishing your bi-monthly report cards. turning off the light when you leave your apartment.
and also, the air conditioning.

the post office will never be open when you need it to be.

and the cute starbucks barista who speaks english but never asked you out because he's too intimidated will tell you that he's going to "very miss you."

surely, dickens was referring to s4

"it was the best of times; it was the worst of times"
or so the saying goes.

most people have heard of my ongoing, and i daresay epic, war of wills with the children usas refers to as "s4." they range from grades 2-4, and every day is its own private bevy of madness. i seldom let people in, because i feel that it's a government nobody else could understand, nestled somewhere between a loving community and absolute anarchy. some days, i feel like i have my very own, fully taiwanese and completely awkward version of the partridge family, where everybody loves everybody else at the end of the day. and others, i feel like i'm waging a war.

my boss gave me the opportunity to give them up this semester, when all the classes changed. chris and i had to make a choice, and as much as they drive me crazy, i chose to keep them. there are days when i rejoice in the brilliance of my decision and days when i almost can't handle the misery anymore.

i couldn't tell you how many times i've trouble-shooted(shot?) this class with my co-workers. investigated discipline options. organized and reorganized the class. but ultimately it comes down to how i relate to them and how they relate to me. some of it was fixable and some of it was not, no matter what happens or who teaches the class. as it turns out, some kids who are trouble when they're three are still trouble when they're in third grade.

last week, i had to punish two of them for singing "down by the bay" while everyone was trying to write in their books. which isn't a big deal, except one was singing the verse and the other was singing the repeats. i can almost guarantee that they didn't plan it out. they just thought it was a good idea at the time. one started, and the other followed suit. and i would have been angrier, if it hadn't been so funny. i sent them outside for the chinese teacher to deal with them, mostly because i was afraid i'd laugh if i had to punish them myself. i told chris about it the next day, and asked him how he felt about it. is it me? sometimes, they have the capacity to feel like an absolute failure as a teacher and as a disciplinarian. and others, they lift my spirits. i find them funny, sweet, completely endearing. my boss has told me that the most important thing is that i haven't given up on all the kids who have worn the previous teachers out. really, she once told me, you're the only one who hasn't given up on them.

but he probably made me feel the best, when, after my anecdote and expression of frustration, he interjected "you know they really love you," he said. "that's why they do those things." silence. i think to myself, if they loved me, they'd keep my commandments, wouldn't they? "well, what i mean is, they don't do it just because they love to drive you crazy. they love that it's you."

you think so? really, deep down, i'm going to miss s4. i'm so strangely proud of them. proud of their absurdity. of their inability to sit still. of our inside jokes. that every time someone is singing loudly in the halls or making a commotion, i can say, "i think that's one of mine." and i'm always right about that.

here is a picture of us when we've actually pulled it together enough to be super class. and i feel that it pretty much sums us up.










be sure to survey the splendor of my required school uniform.

oh snap

i have 20 more days of work. 20! one month from today, i will be traipsing through the absolute middle of nowhere, asia. the cusp of civilization... oh, i'm so excited. i mostly want to see if the sky gets any bluer than that.

apparently, russia approved my visa. which is great. even though it took 4 weeks.

i spent today in fulong. it's always weird to see the pacific from the other side. i keep hoping that it's bluer or warmer or that maybe it smells different here, but it's the same. and maybe that's why i love it so much.

this past week was strange. we're down to only women at work. i suddenly have seniority. and i got absurdly ill on thursday. it was a fever and a cold or something, but mostly, i think it was pure, uninhibited, unadulterated exhaustion. and it knocked me flat for nearly 24 hours. i don't think i've ever slept that much.

also, chinese medicine is amazing.
but it tastes like ground chalk.
and goes down just as smoothly.

no time! no time!

for months, i've been suffering from severe insomnia. for a while, i thought it was stress or too much caffeine or anticipation. but the days and weeks have come and gone, and nothing's changed.

sometimes, while i lay alone in the dark, i put my hand on my chest, and i can feel my heart racing erratically. "calm down," i tell myself. there's nothing to worry about. yet it beats so wildly that i'm certain i'll die. i try and try to close my eyes, but sleep won't come. i try to write down my thoughts. what's wrong? did i forget something? will i get my life together enough these next few weeks? what if rachel and i don't make it into the program? is it him?

the anxiety weighs on me, even in my dreams. i toss and turn, wishing i could forget about my day, or my exhaustion, or the fact that i don't feel like i'm ready for this summer. wishing that, so long as my eyes are closed and i am, at least physically, sleeping, the anxiety will lift and i will feel free, unburdened, and excited.

my room is a disaster right now, full of half-done things. my half-done visa process. half-packed suitcases. books strewn about, because i've only half-decided to give them to angie and half-resolved myself to keeping them. half-answers on moving out, id cards, and international sims. the fact that this cursed mother's day event is only half-done, and chris' half-completed present occupying my desk and the end of my bed.

i calculated today. i teach 5 classes every morning, and 1 class every afternoon. except, last semester i was teaching 3, so let's average it to 2. i also teach 1 class every night, but that doesn't include when i was carrying double class loads after chad left. according to my calculations, i teach 8 classes a day, 40 classes a week, 160 classes a month, and it seems up to this point, over 1,600 classes this past year. i'd never done the math until now. and each day, like clockwork, i feel pressured to invent some new idea for them, to make learning fun and entertaining, so that they forget that their life of academic misery is only beginning.

and each day, the same things wear on me a little more. i'm very, plainly, completely dry. i've heard the expression "i've got nothing left to give" and i always thought it was an excuse. it's not. sometimes, while standing during the morning's song, i'm certain that i'll pass out right there on the spot, because i'm just drained.

but it's only 6 more weeks.

it's all the small things that lead to one big thing

"it was the straw that broke the camel's back."
or so the saying goes.

i never understood that when i was younger, but life in taiwan has truly shown me the profundity of those words. especially when 70% of my job consists of "just one more thing..."

i definitely cried at work today. this has never happened before, not even when i was adjusting to everything. i guess you could say that, in a way, today broke me. i was so excited that i wouldn't have to prepare another demo class, only to get a phone call that i would be doing so in 15 seconds and counting. oh, and i was, i'm not exaggerating one bit, walking out the door. half of me even contemplated not picking up the phone at all, though the other half knew what was going to happen as soon as it rang. i taught my class, and my kids were horrible. terrible. the naughtiest they've ever been. because they know that when a parent is watching, i can't discipline them the way i normally would. if i'd been alone, they would have been standing against the wall so fast, they wouldn't have known what hit 'em. but oh, they know. they know that chris has them after me, so i REALLY can't do much.

so afterwards, i went up to the office, searched for the homework sheets, which i couldn't find, and then sobbed by myself for a good 3-5 minutes. unhindered. uninhibited. just some solitary sobbing, because i'm exhausted. really, truly exhausted. i've been pushed to the edge, with all the "just one more thing"s in my life. because i want my kids to do well, and if they don't, i take it on as my own failure.

to be honest, my kids really aren't that bad. it's just that my nerves are completely shot. i listen to crying all morning and sometimes all afternoon: wo yao wo mama! keyi ma? wo yao wo mama! keyi ma? wo yao wo mama! keyi ma?
YOU WANT YOUR MOM! I HEARD YOU! how about this: WO SHI NI XIN MAMA! i'm your new mama, kid! HOW ABOUT THAT!
though actually, i kinda like that kid. he's very sweet, just really young. then, one of the new kids doesn't like to wear socks. so he leaves them all over school. and while he doesn't really know his english name yet, i do find it hilarious that his mom calls almost every day that he's forgotten some random article of clothing, which later resurfaces in the ball pool or the toy box or the bathroom.
with all the crying kids, half of my older students are acting out for attention and the other half are trying really hard to befriend me. which is weird, because the ones that suddenly want my affections are the ones who didn't give a crap 2 weeks ago.
and then one screamed and stomped her feet because i was standing too close to her and i'm a foreigner. and she doesn't like foreigners. at 3 years old. she's 3! and i wasn't talking to her anyway! i was talking to my kids, the ones who tell me that they love me. at which point, my chinese teacher proceeded to tell the student that if she didn't stop having a tantrum, she would make me hold her hand and feed her. six months ago, i wouldn't have known the difference, but now i actually understand what they're telling the kids. and forgive me if i'm wrong, but a kid has issues if her idea of fate worse than death is having the white teacher help her eat her snack.

all of it together has completely destroyed my nerves. i'm so jumpy that i can barely listen to my older students saying hello to me. they chant it when i walk into the room, and my heart starts to race wildly. can people die of over-stimulation and emotional taxation?

it's weird to cry alone at work and not really be alone.

nobody was in the room, but we have monitors everywhere. big brother is watching, so i never fool myself into thinking i have privacy anywhere but a bathroom stall. nor did i have the emotional fortitude to care at the time. i pulled myself together enough to go to my next class, though a lot of people asked me over and over if i was ok for the rest of the day.

such overt displays of emotion have been quite the cultural experience in taiwan. in general, the taiwanese are not direct. so if someone yells or cries, they're not sure how to handle it. a few weeks ago, chris and i argued after the kids went home. we try to be direct with each other at work, because being in such close proximity would be really stressful if we weren't. everyone had gone home except for a few teachers downstairs when we started arguing. they told us when we went downstairs that they were certain one of us was going to quit. they were horrified watching things unfold on the monitor, though there was nothing horrific about it. we've explained to them over and over that arguments are helpful, and can actually make people better friends.

how do people get by without releasing things one in a while?

did i mention i'm beyond exhausted?
thank God it's friday.

oh, no. no, no, no.

"how do i love thee? let me count the ways..."
or so the saying goes. according to browning, anyway.

i apologize in advance if this blog is too graphic.

2008 marks my 3rd year of no valentine on valentine's day. well, i did go on that date with drew last year, the day before valentine's day. but that was a first date, and i'm pretty sure we only picked that day because it wasn't as awkward as actually going out on the 14th.

the nice thing is that i didn't really notice this year. i'd like to think that this is mainly because i've grown a lot. a year of singleness in taiwan really kicks you in the romantic gonads, so when the options are complaining or growing, i pick growing.

but actually, this has more to do with the fact that i was sick on valentine's day. sick, sick. very sick. more sick than i've been in at least a year. and i don't know why. for some reason, my body woke me up at 3a.m., as if to say, "hey! you feel like crap! you don't want to miss a moment of it."

so for the next 4 hours, i couldn't sleep, i couldn't sit, and i couldn't walk. it all made me dizzy. so, i thought to myself, in my misery, maybe vomiting will help. and this is true, perhaps it would have helped. for those who don't know, vomiting, as i perceive it, is fate worse than death. every bit of it repulses me. and over the years, i've learned to control all manner of vomiting by strained mind over matter. and surprisingly, this works on most vomit-inducing situations: hangovers, motion sickness, watching others vomit, death marches on mount rinjani, gnarly taiwanese food, vicodin, being run over by trucks, dormitory life. in fact, i can remember the last time i got the stomach flu, and it was at least 12 years ago. this was also the last time i ever threw up.

but to give you all the magnitude of my illness, i prayed for the ability to throw up whatever it was that my stomach could not handle that night. prayed. and tried. for over 3 hours, i heaved. but nothing. forgive me, but i was under the impression that things of this nature came naturally. like putting your arms out in self-preservation. or procreation. nobody has to teach you to do this stuff. your body figures it out on its own. but apparently, it's been so long since i've thrown up, that my body has actually forgotten how to do it. either i've successfully trained myself in all manner of conscious and sub-conscious defense against regurgitation, or i'm somehow challenged. i like to think the former.

long story short, i managed to stumble into work for the afternoon class sessions, but was barely able to stand through most of the periods. i suppose this is why God invented things like story time, and especially valentine's day, as i just set my kids to making valentines and writing letters for the latter half of class. i've never missed a day of work, but i've spent most of the past 2 days sleeping, or wishing i were sleeping. and when not doing the previous things, just wishing i were dead.

God bless valentine's day.


p.s. i found this picture, and words really cannot convey how amazing it is. chris told me that some of my pictures make me look like i'm "special," but i can guarantee that none of them come close to his face in this one.

i remember a song that says "if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with." and by that i mean, let's not forget love comes in more forms than romance, people. when i taught my kids about valentine's day, i reminded them that there are a lot of people to love, in a lot of different ways, not just boyfriends or girlfriends. and i'm thinking, sometimes, that's the best kind of love.

this is why i'm hot

"and they lived happily ever after."
or so the saying goes.

seriously, you guys, i'm an awesome story-teller. i've never been good at public speaking and i've never considered myself to be very captivating at parties and/or other occasions of the sort. really, i work with good material... london, homeschooling, my injury, rinjani... it's all gold. and also, i have an uncanny ability to remember tv shows and movies. topics like the office are a great fall-back. but something about teaching has transformed me into a natural and interesting story-teller. my kids love my stories... little red riding hood, cinderella, jack and the beanstalk. okay, so they're not my stories. but i will tell you, many of my kids have heard them a hundred times... they groan when i pull them out... but i remind them that, though they know the story, they've never heard it the way I tell it. for about 20 minutes, it's silent as they listen.

yes, i'm going to be awesome when i'm a mom.

so you should definitely watch this clip to see what i do every day:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FsEXCS1vSUw

a news program came to the school and took video of me talking to the kids and telling them a story. and it looks pretty sweet online.

FUN FACT: in the shots of me talking to the two boys, jonas and benson, they're relating to me the epic of star wars, complete with characters, as told to them by teacher chris during story time. firstly, how awesome is it that 5 year-olds in taiwan love star wars? and secondly, how awesome is it that they're so enthralled in making sure i know the story too?
i was told to keep them talking, no matter what the subject was, and i asked a few questions, but nothing could keep a dialogue going long. until i asked them to tell me everything they knew about star wars. then they couldn't seem to say enough.

wo semper bu zhidao, y tu ma?

"veni, vidi, vici."
or so the saying goes.

i've discovered a new phenomenon. lately, i've wondered to myself if some people are born into madness or if, for most, it slowly but surely infiltrates the mind. if we simply stop seeing where we begin and the madness ends. we consciously feel the pangs, but fail to take it seriously until it's too late.

lately, i feel like a part of me is going mad. for those who don't know, words constitute my love language. it's the way i love, the way i process, the way i reason, and really, who i am. i feel that, to a great extent, my self ceases to be without a firm grasp on language and how it moves myself and others.

and lately, everything about it is breaking down. it might seem logical that one's speech would grow if one taught it day in, day out. but the truth is that i listen to so much imperfect english that i, in many ways, can't remember what constitutes good or bad anymore. there's good and bad by esl standards, but they differ a great deal from the sophistication i was cultivating in university.

but if it were english, it would be one thing, but all languages i've been learning have lately coalesced into a non-language. i cannot, sometimes, remember how to express what i want in english. my mind immediately races to chinese, before i have to counter it with my mouth.

furthermore, there are times when i can't remember how to express something in either english or chinese, but can remember the latin or spanish words, and once in a while, i write them down before i realize that it doesn't make any sense. though, for a long while, i couldn't remember how to say "i" or "you" in spanish anymore. wo qiero? that's not right!

and you can tell it's gotten bad when you're supposed to count the students off for dodgeball, and your initial thought is yi, er, yi, er. but oh yeah, you're not allowed to speak chinese. except it's too much mental strain to count one, two, one, two, so you resort to uno, dos, uno, dos. and your kids are confused, but it makes sense to you because, after all, where you come from, that means something!

cohesion. my kingdom for cohesion.

so famous, so famous.

"fame is the thirst of youth."
or so the saying goes.

i found out this week that i will be experiencing my SECOND television debut here in Taiwan. apparently, somebody's coming to film a story about our school, and thus, chris and my classes. i have to do a story time for all my kindergarteners and... oh yeah, taiwan.

good thing i've discovered that i'm a damn good story teller.

every day, i die a little more

"always be a first-rate version of yourself instead of a second-rate version of somebody else."
or so the saying goes.

or maybe i just get a little closer to confirming the plain fact that i, indeed, have no dignity.

we're learning christmas songs at school, which is glorious because christmas is glorious and my kids are glorious. you put both together, and you can only get good things. savvy?

i've never considered myself to be much of a dancer. but for some reason, any insecurities that i might have or that, in fact, i do have in the real world, somehow, miraculously, don't matter within the confines of usas.

somehow, i managed to pull off singing 2 versions of jingle bells and jingle bell rock with my kids. it's redundant, much, but i certainly didn't plan it that way. we're practicing for the school-wide celebration, and also taking a little time out of our overly-serious lives to be ridiculous. or at least that's how i like to see it. k1 has it all down. their version of jingle bells is funny and sweet and innocent. they kind of know the words and kind of don't. and they don't have the capacity to sing with any sort of tune, so they shout something that sounds like the words and the proper rhythm. sometimes they even cover their own ears because it's so dissonant. but i have to admire their spirit.

as some of you know, my g3 class and i are up and down. for about a month, however, we've been at peace. i'm hoping it lasts. some days, the chinese teachers ask me how i manage them and don't hate them all; they're loud and fierce and competitive and have no shame whatsoever.
and they're amazing, did i mention that? mostly, they make me laugh. i've instituted a system of checks and x's for them. as one so eloquently put:
me: who remembers how the x's and checks work?
him: if you have many checks, you can get cool points. 1 x means cannot play the game, 2 x's means cannot play dodgeball, 3 x's means writing, 4 x's, i don't know, and 5 x's you probably have to stay all night.
this seems to work, because the world just might fall to pieces without dodgeball.
they're singing jingle bell rock, the words to which they picked up instantly. our actions are absurd, but they pull it off because they're incredibly spirited. they have a bit of a pyramid situation going on, with the most outgoing students in the front and the least in the back; not because i organized it this way, but because that's how they fall naturally. it looks surprisingly cool and the whole act is almost like a mock show tune. but they can hear us downstairs and the chinese teachers kept peeping in to have a look (and telling me they think it's hilarious), so we must be doing something all right. i feel silly, because i look silly, but they're my favorite act.

and i've re-inherited g5. we have a lot of fun, and we choreographed a far more complicated version of jingle bells, with switching and twirling and swinging, oh my! they're fun, and ever-so-easy to teach, because i don't have to worry so much about what they do and don't understand. i told them that they have to show some spirit. at least more spirit than g4 and g6. consequently, this means that i, too, have to be spirited if i want any kind of result. and in this case, who needs aerobics? i'm jumping and twirling and yelling and dancing just to get them to loosen up.

no dignity, whatsoever.

so funny, i can't even handle it sometimes

lately, i've been having so much fun at work. over the past few months, i feel that my ability to communicate with my kindergarten students has greatly improved. i've started to figure out how they think and how they will respond to the things i say. as a result, i now have a few of them latched onto me at every turn. this makes my day considerably better. i'm also feeling less frustrated with their naughtiness or the controlled chaos that is a kindergarten classroom, and starting to see the humor in the way they behave. today, i laughed so hard in my music and movement class, i could barely compose myself long enough to get my kids back into a line.

why?
i have a relatively new student named carlos. well, teacher chris and i picked that name out for him, and if you could see or talk to him, you would agree that it's perfectly appropriate. i'll admit that i didn't like him at first, but he's grown on me a lot. i'd be lying if i said his borderline insanity makes my day truly glorious. carlos is probably the smallest kid in the whole school. he's 3 years old, and his motor skills have only begun to develop into something constructive. he also has a speech impediment, which he may or may not grow out of. today, i was singing and dancing to some songs with about 20 of the kindergarten students, when we got to "3 little monkeys." for those who don't know it, i've posted the lyrics for you:
three little monkeys jumping on a bed
one fell off and bumped his head
momma called the doctor and the doctor said
"no more little monkeys jumping on the bed!"
(continue with 2, then with 1)

as you might imagine, the actions are pretty straightforward. we show "3" fingers, then pretend that they are jumping on a "bed." we show "1" finger, pretend that it has fallen off the "bed," then pretend to bop ourselves in the head. we pretend to talk on the phone for "momma called the doctor and the doctor said." and for the last line, we shake our heads, wave our arms to emphasize "no," then stomp on the word "bed." unfortunately, some of my younger students, carlos included, don't exactly have the words down. for him, it comes out kinda like "three laeg mooonnksss juuuuuu beeeed. ooonnn fffeeee ooooooo..." you get the idea. he tries so hard, and i love him for it. unfortunately, he also doesn't quite have the motor skills to do some of the actions, though he does his best. but watching him do it today, i couldn't contain my laughter. he put his hands up, showing a random assortment of fingers that was supposed to be "3" while he pretended to sing. he had such a fierce gleam in his eye as he sang... he was being completely serious about this song, determined to show me that he could do it better than the other students. he bore his teeth and bulged his eyes, showing immense concentration, but the effect was absolutely hilarious. when it got to the part where we're supposed to bop ourselves on the head, most of the students understood that you're not really hitting yourself... you're just pretending, and thus, they cushion the blow. not carlos, though. he full-on, full-force, proceeded to smack himself in the head every single time. with the ferocity of his gaze and the force with which he hit himself, i thought perhaps he didn't feel it at all, though he nearly knocked himself over a few times. at this point, i was barely concentrating on my own actions, because i couldn't get over the fact that he was actually hitting himself. he got through "momma called the doctor and the doctor said" fairly well, though he looked positively furious when he said the words. then come the last few words, everybody's favorite because of the stomping. carlos completely bipassed the words and the head-shaking actions, and poised himself for the stomp. he stood on one foot, his pointed hand raised high in the air, anticipating the stomping part. he then brought his foot down full-force, looking both fatigued and incredibly proud of himself for doing the song... only it was a good quarter of a beat after everyone else.

there are countless other moments like this in class. the tearful pleading "teacher, don't want!" when we tell them we will take away their cool cards. students who hoard all their food in their mouths because they don't want to eat. i have one students who likes to pretend he's a car. with others, there are inside jokes, buzz words and phrases, and of course the threat of taking away dodgeball. who knows? the world just might fall to pieces without dodgeball on a friday. perhaps it's cruel, but at least it motivates them enough to finish their essays and pass their tests. ah, sweet, all-too-precious leverage.

i have to get a video and pictures of them, because they're priceless. with teacher chris, mrt rides to and from chinese class are all stories about what kids said and did, sometimes interspersed with fits of laughter that make telling the story difficult. i often feel that i've given up all control of my life, as it's really impossible to make my students do anything. perhaps this is but a small glimpse of what it's like to be a parent. but since i can't force them to do anything they don't want to do to make my life easier, i just hope for mostly favorable outcomes, and generally laugh to keep from crying. i find that the laughter makes it nearly impossible to cry most of the time, or to fathom a more fun job than the one i have. i suppose they're all helping me to see the humor in what i do, despite my chronic perfectionism. it's going to be really hard to leave next year.

sentences you might hear often

"those who can, do. those who can't, teach."
or so the saying goes.

this week, i realized something when a student decided to imitate me in class. it was rather harmless, since she is 3 years old. it was in the middle of my art class, when some of my students were getting a little unruly. it doesn't take much for them to completely lose interest in our art projects. we were supposed to make spiders, and they decided that it was more fun to throw the spiders at each other than to try to stick legs on them. anyway. i was telling some of them to sit down, and one of my students piped up, "okaaaayyyyy, sit down! now! 1. 2. 3..." i stood there in shock for a moment, because she sounded just like me! she imitated not only my voice and expression, but also my posture. huh?

when i was a little girl, my mom used to tell me that she felt like a broken record, telling my brothers and me the same thing day after day after day. i've noticed that being a teacher is not unlike being a mother in this regard. you say a lot of the same things over and over. so i've compiled a list of my most used phrases, in no particular order. i probably say each of these things about 50-100 times a week.

1. ethan...! sit properly!
2. OKAAAYYYYY everybody quiet down!
3. weber, stand up.
4. line up.
5. ethan, shhhhhh.
6. you're a (something)... (after someone has told either one of us an idea is stupid/nonsensical/moronic/illogical, chad and i just say this in response. it drives chris crazy. perhaps that's why we do it)
7. are you ready?!
8. no chinese.
9. wayne/max/andy, stop talking!
10. 1, 2, 3...
and of course
ETHAN!!!

duality of man: musings on a culture. and also, objects that make my life awesome.

"just because you can doesn't mean you should."
or so the saying goes.

when i first arrived in taiwan, naturally, i was immediately struck by initial cultural differences. different rules. different mentality. different language. different work ethic. different standards of beauty. and on and on it goes. i've been here almost 2 months now, and i've found that i've been assimilating to a number of nuances quite easily. the unspoken rules (or lack thereof when it comes to traffic) no longer affect me. nevertheless, taiwanese and chinese culture to be surprisingly quirky. while some of these things drive me crazy, i've come to terms with the realization that, one, i will probably take many of them home with me, and two, it will take a while to shake them. a few examples to follow:

shuffling of feet. we all wear indoor shoes when we go to work, and t. chris has pointed out to me that the taiwanese shuffle their feet something awful. i mean, it's easy to see why. we have smooth, lovely faux-wood floors throughout the school, and you simply glide on them on your rubber and plastic soles. but it sounds awful and sloppy. i'm happy to report that i've not yet picked this up, but i'm very aware of it now. and i've probably spoken too soon.

yes/no dichotomy. when speaking of choices, the chinese love to keep it simple. so they might ask you a question, then follow it up in chinese with your two choices. translated into english, the most popular ones are, "yes or no," "have or don't have" or "want or don't want?" this sounds best in chinese, but it creeps into their english as well. for example, if i were to ask you a question, i might say something like, "i need the map. have or don't have?" then you would respond with "i have" or "i don't have." like i said, it makes sense in chinese, but it sounds incomplete in english. unfortunately, when we learn a new language, we have a tendency to apply our own grammar rules to the new language. sometimes this is effective and sometimes it is not. in this case, it gets the idea across, but it's improper. therefore, when i often ask teachers or students something, they might respond to me with "t. joy, i don't have!" "t. joy, do you want?" "t. joy, i cannot!" due to habit, i have found that i'm starting to pick this up. chad also does it. chris is a little more conscientious about his speech, but we all subconsciously simplify our language because it's necessary to help others understand. i sometimes catch myself asking "do you want?" or ending my sentences with that annoying "yes?"... "today is the writing competition, yes?" it's terrible. i'm afraid that by the time i get back to the states, the rest of the world won't be able to understand me. or they might think english was MY second language. missing articles. odd sentence patterns. simplified vocabulary.
"*slowly* yes, can i have 1 *indicates 1 with finger* grande toffee nut latte *pause to make sure they understand* with nonfat milk *pause again*."
"would you like whipped cream on that?"
"yes, i want. little bit *indicates little bit*."
"that will be $3."
"i don't have. you take credit card, yes?"
"yes. would you like your receipt?"
"no, i don't want. xie xie."

yikes.

the non-committal "m'm." i have a mixed relationship with this sound, but i've decided that there really is nothing quite as brilliant as this grunt-like utterance. it doesn't really transfer to english, but if i had to explain it, the sound falls somewhere in the midst of a thoughtful "huh," an "uh-huh" of agreement, and a "mm'hmm" of understanding. the truly wondrous thing about this utterance, however, has less to do with its meaning and more to do with the emphasis you put on it. i've realized that one of the major differences between chinese and english is that we communicate through the significant raising or lowering of our voices, and different emphasis placed in different parts of sentences. for example, we phrase a question much more differently than a statement. chinese, in contrast, has a lot of the same words pronounced in different ways. depending on the tone, you could be either indicating that you would like a cold beverage or telling someone that you have misplaced your fish. sentence tones do not vary as much either. ending your sentences with "...ma" in chinese is the same as a question.
anyway, that was a rabbit trail. what i love/hate about "m'm" is that its meaning is interchangeable, yet the tone remains the same! you say it if you agree, if you understand, or to simply indicate that you're listening. due to the natural human tendency to be lazy, we fall back on this all the time. we just eek out this non-word, and it's up to the other person to decide in which category its meaning falls.
and yes, it does cause some miscommunication. is it agreement? understanding? a combination?

fear. the other foreign teachers and i have established that the taiwanese are definitely afraid of two things in particular: the sun and water. yes, we know. the sun shines more brightly here than in most other places and we're on an island, thus, surrounded by water. their curious fear strikes me as rather odd, as hawaiians are also subjected to constant sunlight and surrounded by a rather large body of water, but they wouldn't have it any other way. i mean, it makes sense to be a little afraid of things which are foreign to you, such as the characteristic californian fear of rain. but water and sun? when it's everywhere?
however, i have recently decided that the taiwanese are not simply afraid of the sun itself, but of the sky. yes, the sky. when it's sunny, they walk under umbrellas and congregate in the shade beneath the shadow of buildings. when it's raining, they do the same. i've witnessed a man outside of his house fixing a chair at 2am wearing a helmet. why? we don't know. my only conclusion is that it's the sky. i
t makes so much sense. if you're driving something uncovered, you wear a helmet. otherwise, you're protected under a car. and it explains why there are so many covered walkways. and all balconies have covers.
even on cloudy days, when the sun seldom breaks through but it's not raining, people carry their umbrellas, putting them away when they're shaded by buildings and whipping them out instantly when they are walking in uncovered areas.

personally? i hate umbrellas. they're obnoxious to carry, and i like the rain. i never used an umbrella in england, just wore coats. and here, i simply get wet. i don't care. and as for the sun, well, it's always been my understanding that it's a friend of mine.

things which make my life easier/awesome

dumplings. arguably, the best kind of food there is. for the cost of less than 2usd, you can have yourself a filling, portable, and always delicious little meal. i eat dumplings several times per week, usually when i just want something simple to eat and i'm not incredibly hungry. they love me at the little place around the corner.

tea, tea, tea. i love tea. bubble tea. fruit tea. black tea. herbal tea. hot tea. iced tea. the taiwanese love their tea, and i could drink it every day. while i love english tea, the taiwanese take your tea experience to a whole new level. there are some dandy little tea combinations that i love, particularly fruit iced tea, which is a whole lot like sangria, but without the alcoholic content. it's cold and refreshing, and has fruit in the bottom of your cup. and of course, bubble tea. it's a drink AND a meal. i just really love chewing the tapioca at the bottom.

sitting in public buses. buses here are really clean. and air-conditioned. and comfortable. i ride the bus to work every day, and it's actually my preferred means of transportation. you get to see the city and you can sit in the comfortable seats.

7-eleven. for anything you might need at any given hour of the day. you just never know. hungry? it's always open.

night markets. need a tazer? an outfit? new shoes? a bag? food? a new pet? go to the night market, and you'll be sure to find it. it's like a swap meet, but not just for sunday mornings.

fruit. i love exotic fruits. well. exotic by american standards. mangoes. kiwis. pineapple. coconut. mangoes are the new awesome, and i will be very sad when you can't purchase them for an everyday, normal price in the united states.

not tipping. i've worked service jobs. they suck because people walk all over you, and your tips don't make up for it. i also think it's bullshit that tips in the states have become an expectation rather than a reward for good service. i've gone to restaurants where i was ignored and/or had to wait for 2 hours for a seat, and then got an earful about how my party didn't tip enough. tip enough? we gave 15%! and that was generous! i'm sorry, did i miss the memo that says tipping is compulsory? and that the new rule is 25%, though you're going to tell me it's 15? if it's expected, why don't you just bill me for it rather than making me go through this whole routine where i have to calculate (or in some cases, mis-calculate) how much of my hard-earned money i have to give you for your (sometimes... not always) lousy service? i understand. you depend on it. so do i. it's important. but i appreciate living in a society where it's not expected... where i simply pay the bill. "then how can those people make any money?" well, they don't have to tip anyone else, so we all win, don't we? if you feel inclined to give money for good service, great, but i'm tired of this expectation. when i worked at starbucks, we earned money off peoples' generosity. i was lucky in that i worked at a store where we had a number of regulars who loved us. they always left us a generous tip because they liked us and our service. it was never expected. i'd never stopped working at starbucks if i made 15%... nay, 7.5% (half for me and half for whatever partner i was working with) of all the drinks (or food) we served. i cleaned up after you when you so inconsiderately left your cups and plates around the lobby. i made drinks. i rang you up. i kept the coffee fresh. i cleaned/stocked/re-stocked/re-cleaned/organized/circulated your pastries. i complied when they added the warming component to my job but didn't offer me a pay increase. i washed dishes and took out trash. i developed/perfected my ability to make you glorious, velvety soy/non-fat/breve/whole milk foam for your wet/dry cappuccinos or extra foamy/no-foam lattes. i made signs, took classes, and participated in dozens of coffee and tea tastings. i really enjoyed my job, but it's much harder than people think it is. and i didn't demand or expect a tip from you. so why is it expected from me?
in taiwan, nobody gives tips and nobody receives tips. you don't make that extra cash, but you don't shell it out either. if they want you to tip, they include it in the bill and on the menu. in a far more passive society, in this way, they are far more direct than american culture and its unwritten rules of tipping.

things which do not make my life awesome

standing in public buses. i just can't get my balance. it's too jerky. i'd rather walk to work than have to stand on a bus. really, really.

grocery stores. they just don't carry things you need, much less things you can cook with. this is very much an eating-out culture, and many a time i've found it difficult, if not impossible, to find food for a reasonable price that i can make an actual meal out of.

public restrooms. 2 months later, i still don't like to squat. and i don't like the whole throw your toilet paper away, don't flush it thing.



thanks for listening.

i suppose my heart rings true for you, red, white and blue

"home is where the heart is."
or so the saying goes.

in one week, i've lost all concept of time. i honestly did not believe that i would be perturbed about living in taiwan for the 4th of july. i have never been out of the country on independence day before. never.

today, i reflected on last year. i refer to it as the best day of my life. everything about it was simply perfect. soccer, the beach, coffee, mason jennings, fireworks, mexican food, and a really late night.

today, i taught my first classes and ate dumplings with teacher chris at the restaurant around the corner from where i live. not the same thing.

but he did lift my spirits. i try to maintain the attitude that we are all citizens of the world. we are all God's craftsmanship, His handiwork. His love for me knows no bounds, and His love for others knows no bounds. as one of many partakers in His image, i should want to know His glory in others ways. pray without ceasing, as He said. i believe that such prayer is in the form of doing. in the form of rejoicing in His glory through the many avenues of His creativity. and that includes other people. shouldn't i try to explore that? we have global, universal responsibilities to each other. this is why i'm here, i keep telling myself. if i honestly have such a philosophy, i have to make an effort to understand other people.

i find it funny, however, that every time i've been abroad, it has only reinforced my patriotism. not because i think my country is better. it's just different. but because america offers me a sense of belonging that i can't find anywhere else. it is one of the few things i feel i can understand, a place where i can simply be. i never spend a day in america feeling that i don't belong. certainly, i yearn for and enjoy being in other places, but in america, i simply am. it's like a pair of pajamas. i love other countries as i love my madden shoes or that fabulous dress i bought at h&m. but when i put on my pajamas, they are never, ever uncomfortable. i never feel that they simply aren't working for me. they allow me to be. and while i want to explore as many aspects of God's grand story as possible, want to promote the cooperation of culture, i will always, undoubtedly, be american.

the results are in...

"when God closes a door, He opens a window."
or so the saying goes.

...and starting this summer, i will be residing in taiwan as an esl teacher for 1 whole year!

to those i love, i will miss you tremendously.