this is marty.

"cleanliness is next to godliness."
or so the saying goes.

so i realized today that i have said scarcely anything about my abode since i moved to taipei in june. to be perfectly honest, it's because i didn't really want you to see it. it's been in a state of semi-madness since i moved here, though it's had its brief moments of relative organization. relative being the operative word, of course.

i feel that i need to say something about why this is so - to explain/defend myself, if you will. you see, this is the first time i've really had my own place, though one could argue that it's still not even mine.

what i mean, though, is that i haven't had my very own space since i moved away from temecula 5 years ago. sure, i had my own room then, but my mother converted it into my brother's bedroom almost immediately after i left. this didn't upset me or anything. i still had 3 brothers living at home, and 2 of them were still sharing, so it only seemed fair that one would get my old room. then brian moved out, and christopher promptly took over his old space. what can i say? my old room has never quite lost its girlish charm or aura, so he couldn't wait to move out. presently, it's a guest room. it's comfortably neutral, neither mine nor anyone else's, though i do stay there when i occasionally come back to temecula. granted, i have to fight brian for it, but it's rare that we're home at the same time.

so since i moved out of my parents' house, i've lived in 7... count 'em... 7 different places. i moved twice my first year at chapman, due to an intolerable living situation. i don't speak of my first room... i think i mostly like to pretend that that first month never existed. i stayed in braden for the rest of the school year, then moved home for the summer. i then moved back to chapman, but had to switch dorms again because a roommate bailed. it was back to braden for a little over half the term, but then i had to leave for london in january. i spent half a year in london, fortunately in the same room, then came back to temecula for 2 months before moving to la casita de limon, where i stayed until i moved to taipei. whew.

in all those places, i always lived in a state of relative residence. i settled in, all the while knowing that my time there was very limited. the closest i've ever come to my own place was la casita de limon, but even then, i was starkly aware that one, i would be leaving after college, two, i didn't want to take up too much space because there were 5 of us crammed in there, and three, i didn't have much money. when i got some, it went into my wardrobe instead of my living space. i've always kept my space in such a way that i could pack it all up within a day if i really wanted to. i kept extra boxes under my bed, and limited my belongings to things i could carry in two suitcases and a carry-on. and always always always, come moving day, everything could be fit into one car. i never got attached to my belongings because, more likely than not, they probably couldn't come to wherever i was going next. and yes, i'm a chronic minimalist.

so here i am in taipei, the same old scenario facing me once again. i'm in a place, but i once again have no intention of staying. come next june, i expect to embark on a new adventure, whatever and wherever that may be. and once again, i expect to pack my life away neatly into two suitcases and a carry-on.

so what exactly happened today? i suppose i realized that my nomadic lifestyle, while exciting, has left me unable to find a place to call home. and today, as i pondered this, i realized how difficult it has become. i thought about how frustrating i was at la casita de limon to have to search through boxes to find some of the things i needed. i thought about how semi-decorated my place always was - how i put my own personality into a little corner of the house, but left almost all the rest of it untouched. i thought about how, in england, i feel like i barely even unpacked - just moved things from suitcases to drawers and back again. and here i am in taipei, the same way. i've been keeping many items simply in a drawer, and other things still haven't been unpacked. like jewelry, for instance. i've taken out what i've worn, but it still gets tucked away into the same little bag that i brought it all in, every single time. and as i've pondered bringing new things into my little hovel, i've always told myself that it's unnecessary because, hey - it probably can't come with me anyway.

but today. today, i snapped. this saturday was just like many of the other saturdays i've had here. i did various chores and laundry, just like i always do, tried to find suitable spaces to hang my wet clothes (this is always a problem for me), then glanced briefly at my bed. i winced a little because it's simply uninviting, no matter how accustomed i am to it, no matter how many nights i've slept well in it. because i had limited packing space, i brought limited bedlinens. i brought one large top sheet that could be tucked into any sized bed (i wasn't sure how large my bed would be), another top sheet - this one twin-sized, and my beloved blue blanket that sarice gave me for my 19th birthday. my bed here, however, is not exactly a double but not exactly a queen either. it is thus far too big for my top red top sheet or sarice's blanket, though the other sheet covers the mattress sufficiently. i've simply moved things around to suit my sleeping needs. today, though, i looked at my bed irritably. it just wasn't enough anymore. my top sheet kept being pulled from under the mattress because it's not designed to be tucked away. i have one pillow, but it's not enough, especially since my bed is made for two. and the other blankets just aren't enough. that's it, i said to myself. i'm going to buy sheets today.

so i went on an adventure in the taipei ikea, which is a whole lot of glorious things all in one space. and as i walked around my private haven, i started to think about the fact that my place really doesn't feel like it's mine at all. i realized that, though i know i have to pack everything up or get rid of it before i leave next june, i'm tired of coming home, but never completely feeling like i'm in a state of rest. i'm tired of feeling like i'm still in a hotel - still living partially out of my bags and never feeling like i have the freedom to personalize my surroundings. so with all the temptations of ikea around me, i caved. and i spent my entire afternoon decorating my apartment. granted, there isn't much space and i'm still a hard-core minimalist, but i had to do something to make my burrow more inviting to myself after a long day at work. having never actually decorated a place on purpose, this was very exciting for me. i've always just pulled together bits and pieces of my other places for each room i've lived in after that. but here - i had the freedom to do something new! so i found some fun items in the colors the suit me best - red, green, and black. i guess if i have to get rid of most of it when i leave, so be it. but for the next 10 months, i'm going to be a very happy girl.

here are some pictures of my surroundings:
my desk with a basket for me to organize the many things i use every day. i have three primary bags: a regular purse, a bag for paperwork or homework, and my traipsing bag. as keys, mrt cards, and money tends to switch bags almost every day, i thought this might be a good place to keep it all, instead of combing my apartment frantically before leaving for work every morning. also, please note the red seat covering, the green candle, my plant marty, the red rug next to the bathroom and my sarong from indonesia, all things i put out today. also, you might not be able to see it, but i now have chinese tivo, which is pretty much useless to me because all but like 12 channels are in chinese. and the program itself is in chinese so i couldn't even record shows if i wanted to. you all might also be asking yourself why i have a rug outside my bathroom. well gentlemen and women of the western world, welcome to a culture where they do not bother to separate your bathroom into neat little sections for you. normally, you might thing, a proper bathroom needs a space for a toilet, a space for a sink, and a space for a bath/shower. this is not true my friends, as asian culture for some reason deems this an inefficient use of space. so why bother separating it when you can have it all crammed into a little 4x6ft. area? my bathroom, it turns out, is so much more than this, and spends the greater part of its existence sopping wet. my solution is to close the door, crack the window, and use it as a place to hang clothes on occasion. as it was wet when i was taking these pictures and is now housing all my wet underwear, i did not take a picture of my bathroom for you. it is, however, very clean despite its almost perpetual state of dampness. by some miracle of God, i don't have mildew or mold. however, the floor always seems to have some sort of moisture on it, and unfortunately my feet get very dirty from walking around taipei or very slippery after i've taken a shower. ergo, i either track dirt around my apartment or i slip and slide. my solution is, now, to put a rug outside my door.












moving on - here's my new bed, complete with red sheets, new pillows, and the really awesome colorful pillow they had for like 1USD at ikea. yesssssss.










here's a little bit more of my apartment. you can see some of my "kitchen" area, my wardrobe, and a few shoes i was too lazy to put away before taking this picture. yes, i realize that there are many bottles on my refrigerator. okay, here's the deal, people. i'm saving them to recycle. however, the garbage trucks only come by once a day at the same time, so if i miss them, i don't get to throw my trash away. and they stay for like 1 minute tops, so i have just enough time to throw away whatever i can carry in two hands before they leave. one time, i actually chased a truck, and it didn't slow down, so i had to hurl my garbage into it from like 10 feet away. garbage stops for no one. i sometimes go over a week without throwing my trash away. taipei is virtually void of garbage cans, so i have to simply bide my time. the last time the truck came by, i had to use the opportunity to throw away the priority items - i.e. the regular garbage and the garbage in my bathroom. next time, folks. next time.


and finally. meet marty.


marty is my orchid, clearly. there's that saying that you really don't get attached to something unless you've named it. so naming it is just another step in actually keeping it alive, right? as i thought about an appropriate name for my orchid, i was inclined to give it a more delicate name than marty. i mean, i've always been under the impression that orchids are delicate flowers. ah, but i don't think marty is delicate at all. he's been alive for nearly 2 weeks, arguably longer than i've ever kept anything alive. and he still looks pretty good at that. he sits here by himself all day, and only requires water about once every other day. my apartment gets a paltry bit of natural sunlight, but marty doesn't care... he just keeps blooming. he's there to greet me when i wake up and when i come home from work, and just hangs out looking beautiful and patient even when i'm discouraged by my horrid chinese. i daresay that it takes an especially patient and resilient plant to live with me, so "marty" is perfectly appropriate. if he actually stays alive till i have to leave next june, i'm not sure what i'm going to do with him. it seems unfortunate to have to get rid of something that actually survived that long, but i doubt marty would like traipsing through russia much. maybe he'll find a home just like layce's larry...

environmentalism for amateurs

"the times, they are a-changin."
or so the saying goes.

global warming. what do i think about it? to be completely honest, i'm not sure how i feel about it. these days, it seems like questioning the concept always produces a very specific response. the person stares at you in disbelief, as if you've just questioned the existence of gravity. their jaw drops a bit. you can sense their thoughts running rapidly through their mind, as they try to pick an appropriate thing to say to you. you see them discarding the most offensive ones in hopes of finding something that suits both your comment and their relationship to you. ah, here's one... "how can you say that?"
"it hasn't been researched very long, and i'm very confused. researchers tell me that you can feel the world warming up during our warm season, yet the news reports that we've had the coldest winter in a decade, so..."
"don't be ridiculous; it's a fact. the world is warming up."
"sure."

nevertheless, i'm just not convinced. yes, i know al gore and leo dicaprio say that it's all true and proven, but it's based on not many years of research over the vast existence of earth. furthermore, the world, as recorded in history, has gone through cycles of prosperity and of draught. of abundance and scarcity. it is indeed possible that we are simply passing through one of these phases again. and as many environmentalists will tell you it's true, there are many others who think it's just a myth.

but i digress.

to the dismay to some of my republican family members, i am, indeed, an environmentalist. okay, so i do a lot of things to their dismay. i believe in walking whenever i have the chance, in public transportation, in energy-efficient products, and in driving fuel-efficient vehicles. certainly, some things are unavoidable. no doubt, we are often forced to buy cars instead of using public transportation because of our location, particularly in the states. i understand this. but i am whole-heartedly against abusing our natural resources. this is not because i think the world is heating up or that it will one day explode. it's must simpler than that. and in terms of my reasoning, i direct your attention to psalm 19:
the heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament shows His handiwork. day unto day utters speech and night unto night reveals knowledge. there is no speech or language where their voice is not heard. their line has gone out through all the earth and their words to the end of the world.

or isaiah 55:
for as the rain comes down, and the snow from heaven, and do not return there, but water the earth, and make it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; it shall not return to Me void, but it shall accomplish what I please, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it. for you shall go out with joy, and be led out with peace; the mountains and the hills shall break forth into singing before you, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.


these passages have always struck me as extremely powerful. while people often quote passages that claim that we have been given dominion over the world, my mind is constantly drawn to these passages. God likens his Word, His being, His truth, and His glory with the things of nature. He speaks of even the dormant natural objects around us proclaiming His name. of the many metaphors the writers of these passages may have chosen to explain the Word, it is interesting that they found these the most powerful and poetic. yet we continue to rip away at this. many a religion has claimed that divinity actually inhabits these objects, but i think that this image is even more powerful. nature is an expression of the glory of God, of His presence around us. though we tear it down in the name of humanity and the advancement of civilization, all these things abound without our help. they, quite literally, come directly from God, without our hand at all. and in their silence, they shout louder than everything around us, as our world becomes deafened to His call by the day. how foolish would be if we, then, remove it all? the things that we can't reproduce, the things which praise Him without any human intervention, of which, praises resonate even in the starkest stillness. their worship screams louder than any of the things we erect.

when i climbed mt. rinjani this summer, one of the most noticeable aspects of elevation is the removal of all human sounds. you cannot hear cars, or planes, or boats, or the white, monotonous buzz of something as plain as electricity. for the first time, possibly ever, i heard nothing. God says that we can hear Him in a still, small voice, and on top of the mountain, i think i understood the meaning of that phrase for the very first time. with the extraneous noises removed, you can hear a whisper of His glory so loud that almost compels you to cover your ears, see such a small glimpse that it's almost blinding. the trees clapped their hands and the mountains sung, but it was not as we might expect, with all innocuous sensory stimulants around us - the kind that almost make us numb. it was in the stillness, in the absolute quiet that i could hear His glory, and the shouts, the proclamations of His handiwork, weren't even audible. despite our ability to push the sound barrier to ever-increasing limits, how much more amazing is it that one does not even need to hear anything to be utterly overwhelmed by the shouting of His creation?

i once read an essay by a jewish ethicist that explained, as clearly as he could, why he believed in environmentalism. he argued that he saw the world as God's body - the physical manifestation of something we could not otherwise understand. he saw protecting the environment as simply a way of honoring and praising God. as one does not desecrate the temple, so should one respect the natural world around us. he encouraged his readers not to think of themselves as having dominion over the world, but as having been entrusted to take care of the world.



i am not, and have never been, scientifically inclined. you can throw research and data at me, and it will not affect me. with all the research on why we're dying so much or what will surely happen to us if we don't stop, i am no more compelled to change anything. but when faced with something as moving as the glory of God, shouting from the tops of mt. rinjani, i am certain that it should be - nay - it must be preserved.

easy amusement

"game. set. match."
or so the saying goes.

since thursday, aro and i have been embroiled in a fierce, facebook-supported game of scrabble, thanks to the new application "scrabulous." at our rate of play - i.e. one move per person per day, i expect that it will take at least another week to complete.

but the truly amazing thing is that i'm actually playing scrabble with him on the other side of the ocean, and i have the convenience of making a move whenever it's - well - convenient. i get off work and get a nifty notification in my facebook inbox: aaron humphrey has just made a move in scrabulous. click here to see the board. i play my turn and wait until aro wakes up or gets off work or something of the sort to play his.

who needs physical interaction? also, he doesn't know this, but at one point i had only vowels.

i happen to think witches are pretty cool.

"better late than never."
or so the saying goes.

i've been working my way through harry potter.

it took me 10 years, but i decided it's time to suck it up and give it a try. truthfully, i have always believed harry potter to be merely a fad. i expected that its popularity would eventually die out, as i generally have a great deal of skepticism in terms of pop literature. but it's been about 3 weeks since i began my venture, and i'm already on book 5. i confess: i just can't put the books down. with each installment, they get a little bit darker, a little bit more mature, a little bit more complex, and a little more compelling. quite frankly, i'm impressed.

over the past few years, i've heard a great deal of dissent regarding the harry potter books from the christian community. as they're about witches and wizards and other subjects of that nature, the great conundrum arises: to allow or not to allow? should it find a place among shelves with narnia or frodo, or should it be discouraged and indeed, banished? i've read a few reviews over the years, all of them saying to stick with lotr and that the themes within harry potter are spiritually destructive.

now that i've read for myself, i couldn't disagree more. for one thing, simply based on literary merit, i think rowling has achieved an enormous imaginative feat. it is rare to find such compelling writing on a fantasy world such as this. in narnia and the world of tolkien, they invent complete alter-universes. they exist outside of time and space as we know it. their worlds have different histories, different physical and metaphysical boundaries, different races and species - all of it outside of what we know and understand. rowling's world is similar. she invents a reality that exists both separately and parallel to the supposed real world. it too has its own histories, its own boundaries of possible/impossible/physical/metaphysical, and its own species. she indulges our fantasies: what if magic really existed? what if there was a world where we could disappear, change forms, move things around, read minds, see/walk through walls, or fly without technology? a world where people could do this at will? don't pretend like you don't think it, because - seriously - how cool would that be? rowling invents a world where all these exist, and so much more. where people not only have the ability to do these things, but must learn to use them. that exists along with the regular human race, and it intimately entwined with it. a place among the genetic code where some have the powers and some don't. some know about the alter-universe and others don't. some rely on technology and others don't. two worlds existing together, one in time and space as we know it, with all the histories and all the happenings of our own world, and another one right beside it, with its very own history and its very own struggles.

but all this is superfluous, right? that's not the threat. the threat is the existence of magic, the employment of witchcraft, and, probably most importantly, the absence of God. after all, what about all the underlying themes - is rowling championing witchcraft? is she encouraging a generation of children to become fascinated with satanism, deception, and magic? upon my own examination, i believe that christians that get hung up on this have simply not looked past all the innocuous, superficial aspects of these texts. they truly haven't thought critically about it at all.

true, there's witchcraft and magic, but the stories have much more universal and, i would suggest, nobler themes than these. these simply serve to indulge the imagination - to feed into all the things we've thought about as children.

and true, there is no question of God or spirituality in her books. but i see this as no different than any other addition to the fantasy genre. it's an alternate universe. think about all the great fantasy adventures of our day. even in a God-less piece of art, we cannot discount them, because they open up our imagination to what something might be like if the world didn't have the same boundaries and existential quandaries we have now. in star wars. or narnia. or middle earth. or any of the comic books with batman or superman or the x-men. and we do not dismiss these things based on the God principle. we see them as literary or artistic achievements. if we are to be consistent, we cannot dismiss rowling based on this characteristic.

more important than God or witchcraft, i think, is the existence of a moral and spiritual duality in rowling's books. it's not simple floundering, not remotely about idle dabble in magic and imagination. there is a war being waged. and not just any war, but a clear battle between good and evil. a championing of hope, compassion, generosity, sacrifice, and love, and disdain for cruelty, selfishness, and the heartlessness. there is a duality: between voldemort and dumbledore and everything they stand for. voldemort is cruel and power-hungry. he's an elitist, a murderer, a wager of chaos and mass genocide. dumbledore stands for all the things that we need even in our own world: acceptance of other people, kindness to all, reason, compassion, and a firm stance on what is right. i'm on book 5, and talk of war is stirring. most of the wizarding world believes that the dark side is not rising - that their troubles were over years ago, but dumbledore knows better. and though the world strips him, one by one, of titles. though people call him crazy, pelt him with insults, and his credibility slowly slips away, he stands firm in his beliefs. he knows that the good will have to stand against the evil sooner or later, and wisely chooses not to ignore it, despite protest. and even in the face of his enemies, he is polite, kind, reasonable, and steady. never behaving out of emotional preference, but out of what is good and what is right. and i can't help but find it to be encouraging in our spiritually non-committal world. if children of our own generation need an example in the books they read, i'm glad dumbledore serves as one. it's not good enough to simply deny that bad things are happening. it's not good enough to pretend. it's not good enough to remain neutral. one must stand up for what is right, simply because it is so. because it's an insult to principle not to. not all things are just okay. some truly are bad and such things must be fought, but never at the breech of justice. and never in a way that even remotely compromises the sanctity of human life.

in such a lifeless world, a world that so disinterested in picking sides, i'm glad to see such a fierce dichotomy. such a decided understanding of good and evil, and that, in the face of adversary, the good is always upheld.

i've also read articles that these stories undermine family values, championing only the wizard families and encouraging children to fight against their parents. harry's family treats him horribly and in return, he fiercely hates them. first of all, has this person ever read british literature? this is the classic situation in story after story. it's very dickens-esque. if you disallow harry potter for this reason, you should also disallow every book that has a child rebelling against his or her parents or family's expectations. even the girls in jane austen are resistant to what their parents want. it is too simple to say that rowling devalues human families and encourages wizard families. while harry is treated poorly by his aunt and uncle, families like the blacks or the malfoys, both wizard families, are worse. they go so far as to ostracize family members for being to benevolent to the human race (the "inferior" race). according to such families, if you don't hate the humans ("muggles"), you're a disgrace. in the face of racism, sirius chose not to partake, and as a result, his family pretended he never even existed. the malfoys, though a strong family unit, are plain horrible. the best example of a functional family is the weasleys, a very large, but very poor wizard family. rowling makes it clear, however, that compassion and acceptances of others is far more important than money. it doesn't matter what you have - what matters is how you treat others. and not all human families are dysfunctional. hermione, for example, comes from a human family, and has a very good relationship with her parents. they treat her well and she loves them dearly.

aside from this, i find it interesting that many christians aren't moved simply by the first almost-annihilation of voldemort. he was relieved of physical form by hubris. attempting to murder harry, his own spell rebounded onto himself. harry only survived because of his mother's sacrifice. she died holding him in his arms, protecting harry - she died sacrificing her life for his - and it was the only thing that could deflect the curse. in the books there are three unforgivable curses... curses that send wizards to azkaban - a veritable hell. imposing your will onto another's. the torture curse. and the death curse. because they take away inalienable human rights - the right to free will, to bodily preservation, and to life. which christians, exactly, would disagree that these should be, indeed, unforgivable? it was using the third that voldemort was destroyed. by sacrifice. sacrifice conquers even death.

sacrifice conquers death.
sacrifice conquers death.
now that's funny, because i vaguely remember a bible story about that...

one step towards child-rearing

"no day but today."
or so the saying goes.

for the past few years, i've become progressively insecure about my maternal instincts. i've had roommates who couldn't wait to have children. they love love love babies and kids, and show it in their abilities to take care of ill college students such as me. yes, with all the classes and hours at work, i spent the greater part of my college years recovering from some bout with illness. i once told heather that i wasn't sure i even had the mommy gene in me. i mean, i'd feel fairly ready if i did, right? i could barely take care of myself, let alone someone else. my own personal philosophy is to just suck it up, but it's not like i can say that to a kid as he or she complains of a sore throat.

heather's advice (probably inspired by 28 days): "we just need to buy you a plant, joy. if that lives, we'll move on to a pet. and if that's successful, well, maybe you'll feel better about humans."


so in the spirit of joy and maybe making my apartment a little more cheerful, i went to the flower market today and bought a plant. a real, live plant. dusty pink large orchids, in fact. i even bought some soil and a new pot in which to transport it. ah, here's to praying for inspiration.

shortness

"beauty is fleeting."
or so the saying goes.

so i cut my hair off today. like. all off. okay, not buzzed. but short, short. shorter than it's ever been.

and i look a little bit lesbian.

but i'm hoping it's in a very chic way.

and that i'm only saying that to mock the antiquated vision of beauty. long hair and all. some of us really do look better with it all gone.

i'm not sure how i feel about that. i'll give it a few days.

duality of man: musings on a culture. and also, objects that make my life awesome.

"just because you can doesn't mean you should."
or so the saying goes.

when i first arrived in taiwan, naturally, i was immediately struck by initial cultural differences. different rules. different mentality. different language. different work ethic. different standards of beauty. and on and on it goes. i've been here almost 2 months now, and i've found that i've been assimilating to a number of nuances quite easily. the unspoken rules (or lack thereof when it comes to traffic) no longer affect me. nevertheless, taiwanese and chinese culture to be surprisingly quirky. while some of these things drive me crazy, i've come to terms with the realization that, one, i will probably take many of them home with me, and two, it will take a while to shake them. a few examples to follow:

shuffling of feet. we all wear indoor shoes when we go to work, and t. chris has pointed out to me that the taiwanese shuffle their feet something awful. i mean, it's easy to see why. we have smooth, lovely faux-wood floors throughout the school, and you simply glide on them on your rubber and plastic soles. but it sounds awful and sloppy. i'm happy to report that i've not yet picked this up, but i'm very aware of it now. and i've probably spoken too soon.

yes/no dichotomy. when speaking of choices, the chinese love to keep it simple. so they might ask you a question, then follow it up in chinese with your two choices. translated into english, the most popular ones are, "yes or no," "have or don't have" or "want or don't want?" this sounds best in chinese, but it creeps into their english as well. for example, if i were to ask you a question, i might say something like, "i need the map. have or don't have?" then you would respond with "i have" or "i don't have." like i said, it makes sense in chinese, but it sounds incomplete in english. unfortunately, when we learn a new language, we have a tendency to apply our own grammar rules to the new language. sometimes this is effective and sometimes it is not. in this case, it gets the idea across, but it's improper. therefore, when i often ask teachers or students something, they might respond to me with "t. joy, i don't have!" "t. joy, do you want?" "t. joy, i cannot!" due to habit, i have found that i'm starting to pick this up. chad also does it. chris is a little more conscientious about his speech, but we all subconsciously simplify our language because it's necessary to help others understand. i sometimes catch myself asking "do you want?" or ending my sentences with that annoying "yes?"... "today is the writing competition, yes?" it's terrible. i'm afraid that by the time i get back to the states, the rest of the world won't be able to understand me. or they might think english was MY second language. missing articles. odd sentence patterns. simplified vocabulary.
"*slowly* yes, can i have 1 *indicates 1 with finger* grande toffee nut latte *pause to make sure they understand* with nonfat milk *pause again*."
"would you like whipped cream on that?"
"yes, i want. little bit *indicates little bit*."
"that will be $3."
"i don't have. you take credit card, yes?"
"yes. would you like your receipt?"
"no, i don't want. xie xie."

yikes.

the non-committal "m'm." i have a mixed relationship with this sound, but i've decided that there really is nothing quite as brilliant as this grunt-like utterance. it doesn't really transfer to english, but if i had to explain it, the sound falls somewhere in the midst of a thoughtful "huh," an "uh-huh" of agreement, and a "mm'hmm" of understanding. the truly wondrous thing about this utterance, however, has less to do with its meaning and more to do with the emphasis you put on it. i've realized that one of the major differences between chinese and english is that we communicate through the significant raising or lowering of our voices, and different emphasis placed in different parts of sentences. for example, we phrase a question much more differently than a statement. chinese, in contrast, has a lot of the same words pronounced in different ways. depending on the tone, you could be either indicating that you would like a cold beverage or telling someone that you have misplaced your fish. sentence tones do not vary as much either. ending your sentences with "...ma" in chinese is the same as a question.
anyway, that was a rabbit trail. what i love/hate about "m'm" is that its meaning is interchangeable, yet the tone remains the same! you say it if you agree, if you understand, or to simply indicate that you're listening. due to the natural human tendency to be lazy, we fall back on this all the time. we just eek out this non-word, and it's up to the other person to decide in which category its meaning falls.
and yes, it does cause some miscommunication. is it agreement? understanding? a combination?

fear. the other foreign teachers and i have established that the taiwanese are definitely afraid of two things in particular: the sun and water. yes, we know. the sun shines more brightly here than in most other places and we're on an island, thus, surrounded by water. their curious fear strikes me as rather odd, as hawaiians are also subjected to constant sunlight and surrounded by a rather large body of water, but they wouldn't have it any other way. i mean, it makes sense to be a little afraid of things which are foreign to you, such as the characteristic californian fear of rain. but water and sun? when it's everywhere?
however, i have recently decided that the taiwanese are not simply afraid of the sun itself, but of the sky. yes, the sky. when it's sunny, they walk under umbrellas and congregate in the shade beneath the shadow of buildings. when it's raining, they do the same. i've witnessed a man outside of his house fixing a chair at 2am wearing a helmet. why? we don't know. my only conclusion is that it's the sky. i
t makes so much sense. if you're driving something uncovered, you wear a helmet. otherwise, you're protected under a car. and it explains why there are so many covered walkways. and all balconies have covers.
even on cloudy days, when the sun seldom breaks through but it's not raining, people carry their umbrellas, putting them away when they're shaded by buildings and whipping them out instantly when they are walking in uncovered areas.

personally? i hate umbrellas. they're obnoxious to carry, and i like the rain. i never used an umbrella in england, just wore coats. and here, i simply get wet. i don't care. and as for the sun, well, it's always been my understanding that it's a friend of mine.

things which make my life easier/awesome

dumplings. arguably, the best kind of food there is. for the cost of less than 2usd, you can have yourself a filling, portable, and always delicious little meal. i eat dumplings several times per week, usually when i just want something simple to eat and i'm not incredibly hungry. they love me at the little place around the corner.

tea, tea, tea. i love tea. bubble tea. fruit tea. black tea. herbal tea. hot tea. iced tea. the taiwanese love their tea, and i could drink it every day. while i love english tea, the taiwanese take your tea experience to a whole new level. there are some dandy little tea combinations that i love, particularly fruit iced tea, which is a whole lot like sangria, but without the alcoholic content. it's cold and refreshing, and has fruit in the bottom of your cup. and of course, bubble tea. it's a drink AND a meal. i just really love chewing the tapioca at the bottom.

sitting in public buses. buses here are really clean. and air-conditioned. and comfortable. i ride the bus to work every day, and it's actually my preferred means of transportation. you get to see the city and you can sit in the comfortable seats.

7-eleven. for anything you might need at any given hour of the day. you just never know. hungry? it's always open.

night markets. need a tazer? an outfit? new shoes? a bag? food? a new pet? go to the night market, and you'll be sure to find it. it's like a swap meet, but not just for sunday mornings.

fruit. i love exotic fruits. well. exotic by american standards. mangoes. kiwis. pineapple. coconut. mangoes are the new awesome, and i will be very sad when you can't purchase them for an everyday, normal price in the united states.

not tipping. i've worked service jobs. they suck because people walk all over you, and your tips don't make up for it. i also think it's bullshit that tips in the states have become an expectation rather than a reward for good service. i've gone to restaurants where i was ignored and/or had to wait for 2 hours for a seat, and then got an earful about how my party didn't tip enough. tip enough? we gave 15%! and that was generous! i'm sorry, did i miss the memo that says tipping is compulsory? and that the new rule is 25%, though you're going to tell me it's 15? if it's expected, why don't you just bill me for it rather than making me go through this whole routine where i have to calculate (or in some cases, mis-calculate) how much of my hard-earned money i have to give you for your (sometimes... not always) lousy service? i understand. you depend on it. so do i. it's important. but i appreciate living in a society where it's not expected... where i simply pay the bill. "then how can those people make any money?" well, they don't have to tip anyone else, so we all win, don't we? if you feel inclined to give money for good service, great, but i'm tired of this expectation. when i worked at starbucks, we earned money off peoples' generosity. i was lucky in that i worked at a store where we had a number of regulars who loved us. they always left us a generous tip because they liked us and our service. it was never expected. i'd never stopped working at starbucks if i made 15%... nay, 7.5% (half for me and half for whatever partner i was working with) of all the drinks (or food) we served. i cleaned up after you when you so inconsiderately left your cups and plates around the lobby. i made drinks. i rang you up. i kept the coffee fresh. i cleaned/stocked/re-stocked/re-cleaned/organized/circulated your pastries. i complied when they added the warming component to my job but didn't offer me a pay increase. i washed dishes and took out trash. i developed/perfected my ability to make you glorious, velvety soy/non-fat/breve/whole milk foam for your wet/dry cappuccinos or extra foamy/no-foam lattes. i made signs, took classes, and participated in dozens of coffee and tea tastings. i really enjoyed my job, but it's much harder than people think it is. and i didn't demand or expect a tip from you. so why is it expected from me?
in taiwan, nobody gives tips and nobody receives tips. you don't make that extra cash, but you don't shell it out either. if they want you to tip, they include it in the bill and on the menu. in a far more passive society, in this way, they are far more direct than american culture and its unwritten rules of tipping.

things which do not make my life awesome

standing in public buses. i just can't get my balance. it's too jerky. i'd rather walk to work than have to stand on a bus. really, really.

grocery stores. they just don't carry things you need, much less things you can cook with. this is very much an eating-out culture, and many a time i've found it difficult, if not impossible, to find food for a reasonable price that i can make an actual meal out of.

public restrooms. 2 months later, i still don't like to squat. and i don't like the whole throw your toilet paper away, don't flush it thing.



thanks for listening.

question: why did the chicken cross the road?...

...to avoid dying of dysentery, of course.

but seriously. show of hands: who remembers that stupid question from childhood, and furthermore, who thought it to be utterly pointless and irrelevant to anything pertaining to real life. i mean, chickens don't cross roads, right?

ah, see... that's where you're wrong. clearly, you've never been to indonesia.

the concept of chickens crossing the road never made any sense to me until i found myself in the back seat of a van as it whizzed through the windy roads of lombok island, indonesia. the roads are about as wide as a one-way, one-lane street, but people in indonesia find it perfectly adequate for a 2 lane highway next to a precarious cliff overlooking the ocean. i just smile and act like i have complete faith that our driver won't lose control of the vehicle and send us plummeting over a cliff into the tropical waters below. i also act like it doesn't bother me that i don't have a seat belt. i guess people sitting in the back seat don't get one. it was on this particular car trip, just before our treacherous trek up mount rinjani, that i saw dozens of chickens cross the road. our driver honked time after time to get them to move out of the way. apparently, they're not smart enough to simply move when they see oncoming traffic, nor do they seem to learn that the road = bad. so they insist on crossing the road and just narrowly escaping an especially gruesome and squishy death.

ah, but i'm getting ahead of myself. this post, really, is about my trip to indonesia, not about chickens. but where do i begin? our harrowing car trip-slash-exercise in effective chicken-dodging tactics is merely the beginning of the many adventures chad, chris, and i experienced on this trip.

last saturday, we arrived in bali. we decided to spend our first night in kuta, a popular destination for tourists. and while the beaches of kuta are beautiful and there are many people, it is so developed that you lose a lot of indonesian personality. starbucks? dunkin donuts? pizza hut? please. if we wanted all those things, we could go back to the states. nevertheless, we discovered that there was a very good middle eastern place down the street from our bungalow, with sheesha for 4usd. 4 dollars and hookah? sign me up. we downed hummus and enjoyed our apple apple tobacco before moving on to some of the local night clubs and resorts. our first stop was ku de ta, which was right on the beach. unfortunately, despite being beautiful, it charged way too much money for drinks. by western standards, it's about right, but in indonesia, you shouldn't spend more than 3 or 4 usd for a mixed drink. feeling a bit underdressed and uncomfortable with the high prices, we moved on to two local favorites: crusoe's and Mbargo. we all enjoyed crusoe's because of the live music and the laid-back atmosphere. but it turns out that this place was also something of a brothel. it didn't take long to figure out. while i was uncomfortable as the only female non-prostitute there, i found the social interactions around me fascinating. i actually liked studying body language and male-female hierarchy. i was angered by the superiority and the sense of entitlement that the men had. even the young ones. i was saddened that the girls were so desperate and by such a degeneration of love and sex.

but then again, i was only observing.

the next day, we spent a few hours on the beach (great surfing, p.s.), before moving on to ubud, a smaller city more inland. i think that ubud was probably my favorite place. i liked our accommodations best there as well. it was quieter, less crowded, less developed, and more bohemian. we wandered through the shops and talked with the locals for a while, then made our way down to the sacred monkey forest. for 1usd, you can buy a bag of bananas to feed wild monkeys. they will come up to you and take them, and some will even sit in your lap. they're very intelligent and incredibly adorable. also, they're very spoiled in the sacred monkey forest. chad took out a banana to feed to one of them. distracted, he didn't notice that another was creeping up behind him until it snatched the entire bag from his hands. i also witnessed chris' monkey mishap. he held out a banana to offer to a monkey, but it didn't want that banana. it wanted the bag. so it tried to grab it, but chris wrestled it away. at this point, the monkey bore its teeth, showing its true colors. chris tried to give the bag back, but at this point, our monkey friend was bored. short tantrum, as it were. nevertheless, chris did manage to give it one banana, but this wasn't enough. it kept throwing said banana to the ground with contempt. spoiled, spoiled monkeys. after this, we had a lovely dinner in a garden and attended an indonesian dance show. the costume and the makeup was amazing, but i think what fascinated me most was the style of dancing. their traditional dancing tells stories through eyes, hands, fingers, and feet. there's very little movement of the entire body and very little facial expression, so the entire dance is punctuated by subtle movements. it is very beautiful and entrancing to watch.

the next day, we had an early cooking lesson at cafe wayan, an indonesian restaurant. they took us to one of their larger restaurants, where we made a 5 or 6 course meal and then ate it. the wonderful thing about the food is that we used only fresh ingredients. they actually had a garden next to the kitchen, where they could pick their spices and vegetables for the meals. the food was amazing, and we all thought that perhaps we were slipping into a food coma. we then spent some time shopping and wandering around before deciding to rent motor scooters and explore bali a little more extensively. this sounded like a lot of fun to me, though i'd never ridden one and i had to remember LEFT side. LEFT side. RIGHT turn, DANGER turn. unfortunately, my lack of experience became painfully apparent when i turned too widely and hit a parked van outside a hotel. i pretty much bounced off it. everyone could see the horror cross my face when it happened. for those who don't know, i've never hit anything in my life. never been in an accident. never received a ticket. chad and chris were quite supportive through it all, though they couldn't keep themselves from laughing. i imagine that i'll never live it down. we had to postpone our motor scooter adventure to get an estimate on fixing the bumper and the scooter. they took us to a local body shop, where they were quoted about 90usd to fix the car and 50usd to fix the bike. they promised me that if i simply paid that amount, all would be forgiven and, more importantly, forgotten. i didn't argue, because i imagined how much trouble i would have been in had this happened in the states. no international license. no license to drive a scooter. no insurance. hmmmmm. very rarely can you pay a paltry $150 to make something go away. after paying my debts and briefly seeing my life flash before my eyes, i decided to get back on and keep truckin. gotta get back on the horse, right? i am happy to report that i didn't hit anything else for the rest of our trip. we traversed the winding roads of rural bali, stopping every so often to take in the vast sprawl of rice fields around us. we also visited the "elephant caves." don't get too excited. there weren't real elephants there. it's named after ganesh, one of the hindu gods which is, surprise surprise, embodied in elephant form. there, we found a temple, pools to wash oneself before entering the sacred caves, the biggest butterfly i've ever seen in my life, and literal caves where people can go to pray and make offerings. what fascinated me most was the hindu concept of three. they have a sort of idol where one can pray (and i think make offerings to as well?), and our tour guide explained that three is an extremely important number in the hindu tradition. the three statues we saw represent creator, protector, destroyer; birth, living, death; peace with people, the divine, and nature - the view of the world within these lenses of "three" is an integral part of hinduism. very interesting.

the next day, we decided to take a long bus ride and short flight to lombok, an island not far removed from bali. it is, by and large, the road less traveled, and we wanted to experience some true island living. upon arrival, we found our accommodations for the night and set out exploring. the island of lombok is even quieter than kuta. there are far fewer tourists, but the poverty is far more apparent than on bali. i noticed that many people have almost nothing. there are also several family farms with small shacks for people to live in. it made me feel like i had so much, seeing how little they lived with.

fun fact: did you know that indonesia has the world's largest muslim population? while the island of bali is hindu, the other islands are muslim. also, did you know that people get up to pray in mosques at absurd hours like 3am? i discovered this because my hotel was next door to a mosque. wowy, prayer is noisy!

we had a delicious authentic indonesian meal, and explored our options for our stay on lombok? scuba diving or mountain climbing? scuba diving or mountain climbing? choices, choices. i had decided against scuba diving, so i left it up to the guys to decide what they wanted. if they decided to take the courses to get their padi certifications, i would either climb a mountain by myself or spend my days snorkeling, swimming, or lying on the beach. finally, we reached a consensus: we would all climb... nay, conquer... nay, bitch slap... mount rinjani. we'd already done some recreational mountain climbing in taipei. how hard could it be, right?

...i'm actually surprised to be alive after that climb.


nobody warned us about what we'd be facing, and that we would need a fair amount of materials to make this trip comfortable, if not simply possible. materials like: sweatshirts, strong hiking boots with excellent arch support, long pants, and maybe a month of steady conditioning. the trail began easy enough... climbing over roots and up a few gentle slopes. but as we progressed, the mountain became a monster of its own. by the time we realized what we were facing, we couldn't turn back... we'd come too far! we'd marched too much to turn back, but the mountain was getting steeper by the step. it began as probably a 25 degree climb for the first quarter, which then evolved into 45. that's okay, we could deal. but the next leg - the leg after lunch - was something like 50 degrees. i was so tired, i wanted to simply pass out. i'd felt like i'd lost all will to keep moving, much less keep breathing. i suppose what kept me going was chris' unfortunate bout with what can only be described as dysentery. and chad was climbing in berkenstocks. surely, if they could keep moving, i could do it too. we finally reached post 3, about 3/4 up the mountain. we would make camp there, eat dinner, then rise early the next morning to make the last 1/4 trek up to the rim at sunrise. after that, we would hike down to the bottom. unfortunately, i had a few thin sweaters that i managed to layer to generate a paltry extra heat, chris was still suffering, and chad had only his sarong, which he wore as a cape for warmth. it was a long, blustery night for us. while the company that we were going through provided a guide, porters, food, and camping equipment, we were otherwise ill-equipped for this journey. chris got his own tent, which was probably good because he was feeling so sick, so chad and i shared, and probably got about 3 hours worth of sleep combined. we shivered and turned all night long trying to generate enough warmth to go to sleep. parts of my body were so hot, they were sweating, while other extremities were so cold, they had goose bumps. somehow, we made it through our night of misery and arose in the still of darkness for the last leg of our climb. the air was the cleanest i've ever breathed. the forest was so quiet it was almost deafening. the stars were brighter than i'd ever seen them. God's glory abounded. we witnessed the sun peaking up over the mountains of bali and the ocean as we hiked. however, this hike felt pretty much vertical, on loose sand and rock. but we're troopers, and we made it to the top. looking inside an active volcano is an experience i'll never forget. everything was so green and huge and beautiful. we breathed a sigh of victory as we shivered uncontrollably in the morning cold. after about an hour marveling at the top, we headed back down to base camp. okay, so the walk down was more of a stumble/slide. i may have scars forever.

verdict? totally worth it.

at base camp, we received transport to one of the ports at lombok so that we could take a boat to the gigi islands, a few desolate beaches about 45 minutes away. on the gigis, there are no motor vehicles, and everything moves a little more slowly. the ocean is clear and the sand is white. we arrived at the port, which is a whole lot of desperation crammed into one place. everywhere, people want to carry your bags, sell you something, do anything to extract money from you. they don't even ask. they see a car pull up, and they ambush it to carry your bags so that they can charge you. finally, we managed to escape and head to gigi. in transit, we met a friendly bar promoter named jules, who helped us find our way around the island. he knew good places to go, and was generally good company. we located an adequate place to sleep, and spent the rest of the night exploring the islands, eating, and having a few drinks. unfortunately, our trek in rinjani severely caught up to me on the islands. i woke up the next day with horrible stiffness and the worst hangover i've ever experienced. i hadn't even had much to drink the night before; it was something like 3 over the course of 6 or 7 hours. i'd simply been sipping, but it all hit me horribly the next day. i think it did not mix with my fatigue and dehydration, and it produced a very uncomfortable, persistent nausea all day long. it wasn't even intense, just a prolonged discomfort. chad was also struck with the same rigor mortis-like qualities in his limbs, and we both waddled from place to place. we couldn't even go up and down stairs without bracing ourselves. as is typical with our relationship, though, we thought it was a fun game to hit each other in the thighs unexpectedly, just to elicit a response. why? team-building, we say. chris, fortunately, didn't have the same problems. he actually recovered quite well from our trek, and i'm pretty sure he deserved it after 2 days of misery. he did, however, take a tremendous (and possibly cruel) amount of pleasure laughing at chad and me as we crept along and grimaced. nevertheless, we spent a relaxing day on the beach sipping cold fresh fruit drinks and wading in and out of the water. there's something so therapeutic about the ocean for me. simply being in it makes me feel alive... like the world is exactly the way it was meant to be.

after a morning and afternoon of leisure, we headed back to lombok via boat and to bali via plane for one more night in kuta. chris treated us all to a resort and a beautiful hotel room and we had a delicious dinner. apparently, i crashed as soon as we returned to our room from dinner, but i must say that it was the deepest and most complete sleep i've had in a long while.

the next day, we wandered around bali for a few hours. chad and i had one last balinese massage, and we all bid indonesia goodbye.

indonesia is beautiful and exotic. i only wish we'd had more time to do the scuba diving and surfing, but perhaps another day. this trip was incredible, and i'm so glad i went. i feel like my world opened up even more, and i'm hoping that my heart opened a little more with it. i wouldn't change a thing.




...except maybe the scooter accident.

psalm moves me

today, our most precious arlee died. i feel a little as though this really isn't happening. i grieve for her family. and i worry about my mother. arlee was her closest, dearest friend. the truth of the matter is:
we all loved arlee. she was one of my favorite people, because whenever i saw her, she emitted a joyful spirit and always had something nice to say. she's one of those people who made you feel good all the time, because she tried to see the positive in everything. every time i saw arlee, she made me feel as though i was doing something beautiful or profound or important with my life. when i told her how i felt about taiwan and the peace corps... that it all had to do with this idea that has been in the back of my head... this concept of praying without ceasing. this idea that i make more of a difference if i do rather than if i simply be an activist for all the causes in which i believe... she told me that it sounded right to her... it wasn't crazy... and that i should definitely, definitely, definitely stick by it. none of my romantic ideals or abstract agendas or uncertainties or holistic approaches to faith ever seemed absurd when arlee was around... she always made me feel like i was going to do something significant for the kingdom of God. she believed in following the Lord sincerely and whole-heartedly, without pretension or expectation, as best you can and with your entire being. most importantly, she made my mum feel like herself. every day with arlee made my mother see the beauty and glory of God's creation... that we could extract joy from even the simplest elements of God's grandeur. any day that my mum was with arlee was a precious day, and each interaction made her a more complete human, a lover of all that God had made her. in every way, arlee coaxed kindness and beauty from the world around her.

today, even before i found out, while i stood watch for chris' crazy neighbor while he packed his clothes, i felt compelled to read psalm 91. for some reason, these were words i felt i needed to experience today.
He who dwells in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress; Mmy God, in Him I will trust." Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the perilous pestilence. He shall cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you shall take refuge; His truth shall be your shield and buckler. You shall not be afraid of the terror by night, nor of the arrow that flies by day, nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness, nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday. A thousand may fall at your side, and ten thousand at your right hand; but it shall not come near you. Only with your eyes shall you look, and see the reward of the wicked. Because you have made the Lord, who is my refuge, even the Most High, your dwelling place, no evil shall befall you, nor shall any plague come near your dwelling; for He shall give His angels charge over you, to keep you in all your ways. In their hands they shall bear you up, lest you dash your foot against a stone. You shall tread upon the lion and the cobra, the young lion and the serpent you shall trample underfoot. Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore I will deliver him; I will set him on high because he has known My name. He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him. I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him and humor him. With long life I will satisfy him, and show him My salvation.

movement

"God works in mysterious ways."
or so the saying goes.

today was an odd day. a day when i had the distinct feeling that i was exactly where God wanted me. one of those days when nothing really went my way, but for one reason or another, i had the fortitude to keep trying. what i want, i'm not sure. what i'm meant for, i scarcely know. could today have been a preview?

i suppose my heart rings true for you, red, white and blue

"home is where the heart is."
or so the saying goes.

in one week, i've lost all concept of time. i honestly did not believe that i would be perturbed about living in taiwan for the 4th of july. i have never been out of the country on independence day before. never.

today, i reflected on last year. i refer to it as the best day of my life. everything about it was simply perfect. soccer, the beach, coffee, mason jennings, fireworks, mexican food, and a really late night.

today, i taught my first classes and ate dumplings with teacher chris at the restaurant around the corner from where i live. not the same thing.

but he did lift my spirits. i try to maintain the attitude that we are all citizens of the world. we are all God's craftsmanship, His handiwork. His love for me knows no bounds, and His love for others knows no bounds. as one of many partakers in His image, i should want to know His glory in others ways. pray without ceasing, as He said. i believe that such prayer is in the form of doing. in the form of rejoicing in His glory through the many avenues of His creativity. and that includes other people. shouldn't i try to explore that? we have global, universal responsibilities to each other. this is why i'm here, i keep telling myself. if i honestly have such a philosophy, i have to make an effort to understand other people.

i find it funny, however, that every time i've been abroad, it has only reinforced my patriotism. not because i think my country is better. it's just different. but because america offers me a sense of belonging that i can't find anywhere else. it is one of the few things i feel i can understand, a place where i can simply be. i never spend a day in america feeling that i don't belong. certainly, i yearn for and enjoy being in other places, but in america, i simply am. it's like a pair of pajamas. i love other countries as i love my madden shoes or that fabulous dress i bought at h&m. but when i put on my pajamas, they are never, ever uncomfortable. i never feel that they simply aren't working for me. they allow me to be. and while i want to explore as many aspects of God's grand story as possible, want to promote the cooperation of culture, i will always, undoubtedly, be american.

taipei 101: the physical structure and the metaphysical art of living in taiwan.

"rules were made to be broken."
or so the saying goes.

i've been here 3 days, and i already feel that i couldn't possibly sum up all that has happened to me. in my first 24 hours, i was introduced to my school, went through what felt like weeks of training in mere hours, and found an apartment. i've ridden on the back of a motor scooter and gone to the top of the tallest building in the world. i've eaten shrimp whole, learned minimal chinese, and realized that i pretty much don't know anything. remember that time i worked at starbucks and actually knew what i was doing?

people don't live by rules here. they have guidelines, and the rest is up to you. unless you're eating in the mrt. then there are rules. they sort of follow the traffic lights and sort of park in designated places. pedestrians sort of have the right-of-way and people sort of work the usual hours.

people here are accommodating and exceptionally kind. today, while "getting lost" on the mrt, i talked to a half dozen 16 year olds. they wanted to know all about me: where i was from, why i was in taipei, where i lived, where i worked, whether or not i liked the city... they giggled at my broken chinese and oohed and ahhed at my clothes and nose piercing. the older people around us just smiled. i disembarked the train with a chorus of "goodbyes" following me. though i barely understand anyone or anything around me, they have the keen ability of making me feel like i'm home.

the city just feels grungy, all day, every day. it's a combination of the poor air quality, the oppressive humidity, the constant odor of something burning, and the generally dirty streets. it's not grungy like "trash" grungy. stores are clean, i've yet to get food poisoning, and people are well-groomed. it's as if there simply isn't enough time or space to hose down the sidewalks or send a street sweeper through.

i feel very conspicuous all the time. i feel like i'm constantly being watched, not in a menacing way, but in a curious way. no matter how confident i look as i walk down the streets or how much chinese i might learn, i've realized that i will always stand out as a foreigner. the last time i felt this naked in public was on the buses of new cross gate and peckham rye. they all looked at me as if that simply wasn't my part of london, and during those times, part of me felt like they were right. children stare... they're fascinated by everything about me. older people smile at me politely, but always in such a way that reflects they they know, absolutely, that i have no idea what i'm doing.

i think that when i went to london, i just wasn't ready. looking back, i appreciate that time, but i feel that maybe i was just too young. it was a combination of things... being away from jeff, undertaking 6 months instead of 3, feeling pressured to go out, and being moderately afraid. i feel that one year would have made a huge difference. it took almost half the time i was there for me to truly enjoy the experience. though i understand nobody and nothing here, i feel so ready to be here. i'm fine with sitting quietly by myself, with being consumed with work by day, eating a quiet dinner, exploring, reading up on the city, shopping at the local markets. it's like a scavenger hunt to see if i can find the place that has what i'm looking for. i'm less afraid, less pressured, more flexible. i look forward to what the year brings, and am excited for further adventures.

for your viewing pleasure:
<--- taipei 101
<---- taipei (aka home) <---- me atop taipei 101 <---- chiang kai-shek memorial

it's 11:21

"logic is the art of going wrong with confidence."
or so the saying goes.

and i'm seriously going on 19 hours of alertness/coherence. i'd go to sleep, but i'm afraid i'll wake up without my shit.

now, good travelers, you would think that the los angeles airport would be semi-dead at this hour. after all, it is a tuesday night and it is nearly midnight. but oh no. in actuality, my friends, it is its own private hell. it's hot, it's stuffy, it's loud, and i am squished into a tiny corner of the airport because, high five(!), i managed to find an open outlet. also, because i couldn't find an open seat next to my gate. we don't board for another hour and a half, so i thought i'd make the most of the money i spent on t-mobile access earlier today.

and i'm mildly amused watching people run to make their flights. you'd be surprised that some can move as fast as they do. also, one would think that it's logical that, if gates are numbered 101-123, 101 would be first. nay, my friends. 101 is on the other side of the terminal, and 123 is the most accessible gate. i hate you, lax.

long gone are the days of sitting in dead silence as i wait for my ryanair/easyjet flight to board.

the panic attacks have subsided for the time being.






on a serious note, i want to ask you all for some prayer. i found out today that my mom's best friend has pancreatic cancer. while she is a believer, it pains us all to see her this way. she's a lovely person... one of my favorite people, in fact. and while we all know the Lord is in control, my heart breaks for her family and for my mother. this is bad, you guys. please be in prayer for her. while this situation seems dire, we are trying to keep in mind that God works outside of time and space. in his infinitude and grace, i am reminded that nothing is impossible and nothing is beyond Him. nothing. not even cancer.

you don't bring me flowers anymore.

"what is a friend? a single soul dwelling in two bodies."
or so the saying goes.

wow, i really hate that song. and yet, tragically, i have it stuck in my head and am now immortalizing it on cyberspace, potentially to complete strangers or people who might have weird fetishes with that song. oh, mental image... abort, abort, abort. why it is in my head, one can only speculate. all day, it has been filled with good-slash-healthy music like mason jennings, u2, and ella fitzgerald, only to revert to this during my bimonthly blog post. my neglected blog is indeed a scarce glimpse into the many, many voices in my head, and it's unfortunate - nay - catastrophic that these are the voices with which my readers(?) are left. perhaps i'm doing this because of the many years of growing up on barbara streisand and neil diamond. oh, young joy, why didn't anybody rescue you then? such a funny and unpredictable place, this world. nevertheless, i can't help but think that this does, perhaps, explain a lot. in addition, it may actually be the reason for my current singleness. yikes.

moving on.

for those who have never heard this song before, it is, more or less, about saying goodbye. that's the short version, anyway. i think it's in my head because the past month has been a process of closing a huge chapter of my life. in the past 37 days, i have: accepted/been accepted to a job, gone through commencement at chapman, said a very painful goodbye to my best friend, driven to the taiwanese consulate in santa monica not once, not twice, but THREE times to get my visa, quit my job, moved out of my house, had a garage sale, given away my furniture, sold my car, given away 1/3 of my wardrobe, gotten 4 separate vaccinations (also, i waited 3 hours for typhoid... which was oral, by the way... and took a total of 10 seconds to explain), gone to the dentist and had a tooth drilled and filled (also my first experience with novocaine, and it's not an attractive look for me), attempted to understand a little mandarin, said goodbye to my friends, researched and bought a plane ticket, done the father's day thing, celebrated my mom's birthday, cleared out every cabinet in the kitchen, and donated nearly 75 lbs of food. in all, it's been a long/short month. also, i'm baffled as to how i managed to pack for england before. it was so much harder this time. i'm a bit tired.

last saturday, a.c. threw me a going away soiree at la casita de limon. i'm so grateful that he did it for me, because i wanted closure on my college years, but severely lacked the energy to do it myself. i'd resolved to only spend time with those who called and wanted to see me. when he offered to organize this for me, he stressed the importance of support, and told me that he wanted to give everyone a chance to express that they're behind me in my decision. it was so encouraging to see my friends and to know that they would miss me. it made me more excited about moving on, though i am sorry that i won't see him and kirsten get married this fall. it was lovely to see people from my various years of school, and made me further appreciate the impact they have all had on my life. it was unique, too, for me to see a range from those i've known since the day i got to chapman to those i've only known since i graduated in january. they shared their favorite stories about me, re-told the truck story all over again, and passed pictures around. chapman was a truly extraordinary time in my life and introduced me to unwaveringly supportive friends. we've had our rough patches, but they have come through in even the most difficult and unexpected ways. in my most cynical moments, they have managed to slowly restore the hopelessly broken pieces of my heart. saturday was just another affirmation of how blessed i am.

not gonna lie, chapman, i had a few hard years in there. but i firmly believe that these were the best, most constructive years of my life. i've slowly overcome my darkest fears - my overwhelming and almost insatiable fear of being alone. my fear of what others might think. my fear of alienating people. my crippling acceptance of who others tell me i am or who i should be. and the shattered pieces of my heart that have been produced by unhealthy relationships or the many, many mistakes i've made have become insignificant, the proverbial pieces of dry and dead skin i've shed. i've stopped trying to reattach it and am learning to embrace the new, albeit different and uncomfortable skin underneath.




my flight leaves tonight. i think i'm ready.

for the love of karen

"to love another person is to see the face of God."
or so the saying goes.

ah, television. a medium with so much drivel to wade through, though i suppose it's no different than film. or art. or music. or literature.

can i admit right now that i miss alias? yes, i loved victor garber as jack bristow and ron rifkin as arvin sloane. i said it, okay?! character evolution... imagine that!

while i could do without the box in my living room, there are two shows i watch regularly.
lost.
and the office.

lost. oh, there's so much to say about you, lost. your writers are just so good, and i love them for it, but they are, undoubtedly, the biggest bastards in the world. without qualms, they kill off all our favorite characters. your writers even dangle it in front of us, your faithful viewers, for weeks on end, yet we feel violated when they actually follow through. what kind of twisted individuals could kill charlie? your writers, that's who. we know it had to happen, because you've been leading up to it for months, but it still seemed so unfair. you never cease to surprise me, lost, with your intricate plots and your complicated characters. and if that weren't enough, you make me wonderfully uncomfortable with how unflinchingly you examine the darkest aspects of being finite and mortal. you openly and regularly extend the assumed boundaries of time and space and the spiritual realm and reality and the divine and psychology and what we want and what can/can't be and miracles and a higher being and social constructs. your writers know that these are the boundaries we assume because, without them, we fear that we might not even be functional. so they expand and contract them, and we all know that, deep down, this disturbs us. thank you, lost, for being willing to explore these things, because the world hides from them too often.

but this blog isn't even about lost. it's about the office. thanks to mary beth, i am obsessed. i've seen all the episodes, and am constantly amazed by its exceptional cleverness.

like any faithful office viewer, i am rooting for pam and jim. we all know that they belong together, and we detest karen and roy for getting in the way of destiny.

but as i've watched, i think something needs to be said in defense of karen. though i know it's my proper place to advocate jim and pam, i can't help but feel a bit sorry for karen. i mean, she's not a bad person or anything. she doesn't treat jim poorly as roy did to pam. unlike roy and pam, she and jim have a lot in common, and though she has reason to get a little crazy at times, she keeps her cool. anything that she's ever been uncomfortable with is within reason. anyone would feel a little disconcerted if they found out that their boyfriend had a thing with a co-worker and had never mentioned it before. or how about... he ran away because he got his heart broken by the receptionist. what??

but i've gotta say that, above all, i think that maybe i simply feel for karen because i see some of myself in her.
for example

or

or


she's got spunk, that karen. she's competitive. she tries to say it like she means it. she's awkward. she's intelligent. she's understanding. really, i like karen. the only reason she's screwed is because she doesn't know enough about what's really going on. i've been told over and over again that you can't do anything about how a guy feels about you. either he likes you or he doesn't, and it doesn't matter how hard you try. or maybe he really does like you, but not as much as somebody else. i really believe jim likes karen. but she's not pam.
it's nothing you did, karen. there's nothing wrong with you. really, really. honestly, the reason jim went back to pam isn't about you. it's just... well... you're just not pam. you can't say or do or try or fix or want or give anything to make him change his mind. it really is that simple.

i don't know how it happens, how some women are karens and others are pams. there's nothing wrong with either type of person. though office fans everywhere are rooting for pam, i must step up and say that we karens are perfectly fine... we're smart, pretty, compassionate... but we just can't seem to get the guy to see us instead of the pams. we wander around the dating pool, confused because, by all accounts, we haven't done anything wrong. in the vastness of it all, most would agree that we're a decent catch. we're cool. we're good friends. we get along with guys. getting their attention isn't the problem. and when asked, the jims of the world can't explain why the karens aren't quite right. and as a member of the karen variety, i will say that it's frustrating not to understand what's wrong, when really, really, really... we try so hard.

as season 4 comes around, i propose that we cut karen some slack. being dropped for no apparent reason, for no tangible, definable characteristic, isn't easy. watching the pams defeat us time and again, and not knowing what they have that we don't is difficult.

karens, here's to perseverance.

she told me, son, fear is the heart of love

"true love means never having to say you're sorry."
or so the saying goes.

if heaven and hell decide
that they both are satisfied
illuminate the "no"s on their vacancy signs
if there's no one beside you
when your soul embarks
then i'll follow you into the dark
-death cab

"you're beautiful" is all he could muster. fatigued and frustrated, he forced himself to believe that it culminated everything that they couldn't articulate. it was as if they had said everything through the unspoken, through the nuances in expression that only they could understand and the swift, imperceptible brushes of arms and hands. her smile communicated more than she could say, even when asked point blank. she knew that she could speak, if she could simply sit down and think it through, that she could speak eloquently. but every time she tried, it was choked back by blatant, inconvenient fear. surely, they could pull it together enough to simply say what they meant, but it couldn't be done. it was too difficult, too painful to explore it, so they remained reserved. she had to avoid verbalizing what she really meant, because it contradicted who she was and what she wanted to be. and he never wanted that for her. so they chose to bury the words, even to pretend that they couldn't find them. but in the midst of collapse, of compromise, it was clear. so clear, as if they were screaming the words in each others' faces but in a language only they understood.

"i think you're beautiful." it was a language anybody could understand, on any level they wanted. within it, everything unsaid dissipated. she knew, absolutely, that it encompassed everything they meant, everything she had hoped to say but could only say in silences, in awkward pauses, in all the nonsensical, ambiguous facial expressions she conjured. her response: a sincere, authoritative kiss and a coy smile. "maybe." the air around them was potent with "maybe." it was as precise as it could be.

"maybe."

is that all right, is that all right, is that all right with you?

"here's lookin' at you, kid."
or so the saying goes.

gilgamesh had enkidu. orestes had pylades. david had jonathan.
and joy? well.
once upon a time, joy met layce.

"Because we have a moment here, let me tell you that I have recently become a secret connoisseur of 'last looks'. You know the way people look at you when they believe it's for the last time? I've started collecting these looks. "
-drew, elizabethtown


there is no good way of saying it, of ever saying goodbye. i thought having this semester off would prepare me, but it all happened so fast - much faster than i thought it would. "you're my best friend, and i don't know how to express how much i will miss you. deeply. unequivocally. immeasurably." i wanted to say it, but i couldn't. it was too much. too many last looks in one day. "i love you, but i don't know how to do anything about it. i'm stuck, within myself and all the things i want." a combination of liberation and the stifling boundaries of being stuck inside the desire for something bigger, something more, and the hope that today, or any day, what we want will line up again. i love you, more than you could ever understand, but merely saying the words isn't enough. if i love you this much, why would i ever leave? they say that when you have this, if you're smart, you'll never let it go. i try not to think of it that way. i try to hold onto the hope that we let each other go because it's unselfish. because it's what you do if it really is love. i'm only sorry it took 20 years to find you, and 21 to love you and everything you contribute to my life. it seemed too long, and i hope you know that, despite it all, knowing you made that pain worth it. we both know that if it hadn't hurt that much, you and i wouldn't exist. i wish you'd been there to see it happen: the ups and downs, and the almost unnatural cruelty of extracting him. i always thought that extraction of him would lead to a different, better him, but it led me to you instead. despite my complaining, i ask myself always, what would i do without you? all the years of not being picked finally led me to you. you, the one who takes my side. flannery said that a good man is hard to find. and he is, but i've met good men. but a woman like you, a good friend like you, someone who is as consistent as you. you're the kind of person that takes 20 years to find. i know, because i've looked.

the results are in...

"when God closes a door, He opens a window."
or so the saying goes.

...and starting this summer, i will be residing in taiwan as an esl teacher for 1 whole year!

to those i love, i will miss you tremendously.

i'll tell you straight up...

"son, you'd better check yo'self before you wreck yo'self."
or so the saying goes.

i am spontaneously and inexplicably growing balls all over the place lately, even in the most awkward and borderline inappropriate situations. maybe it's because i really don't think i have anything to lose anymore. only took 4 some-odd years.

but i like it. honesty is liberating. watch yourself; you're probably next.

i'm gonna miss you, like i miss the ocean when i go to sleep, man it's gonna break my heart - mason jennings

"the first cut is the deepest."
or so the saying goes.

today's predominant topic of conversation was a reflection of the difficulty of finding truly faithful people. nobody's perfect, but i've realized how much i've come to accept a second-string role. not that acceptance doesn't frustrate me at times. i'm simply well-acquainted with the concept of other people getting picked over me. i think i can be a good friend, but i do realize that i become increasingly apathetic when i start to notice a few patterns. things like: not getting a phone call, making plans and having them broken for other people (unless it's the queen of england, this really shouldn't happen, and even then, you might want to ask if your friend can come along), consistently having others picked before me, or general boredom. yes, even in college, it turns out that some social constructs really never change.

my mom always used to tell me that i should feel lucky if i can find one truly faithful person who will always, no matter what, pick me first. she said a good way to conceptualize this is to imagine every person i know has won an amazing, all-expense paid trip to hawaii, but can only take one person. who do i think they'd pick? if i think it would be me, there's my answer. the disheartening truth is, however, that one of those people is moving away in about two weeks. i've said it once, twice, a dozen times, and i'll reiterate: i'm absolutely not okay with it. i'm going to feel a profound void when she's gone. she's my ally. my solution for today, however, is to live in denial.

i've usually been an advocate of many chances. and i know as well as anyone that nobody's perfect. but i'm finding that as school begins to fade away, i need to be more selective about some of the people in my life. not selective about who i should treat with kindness. that's everyone. or about who i should see, because i will see or spend time with a variety of people. but about who i feel is worth my genuine effort. about what i say. and about surrounding myself with people who encourage, edify, and challenge me. those people are difficult to find, but they are worth more than 10 of those who make me feel anxious or insecure.

an ode to steve

"the only person you can ever count on is yourself."
or so the saying goes.

let me be transparent for a moment. since i graduated from college, i've been dealing with bouts of depression. on occasion, it was "i don't want to get up" kind of depression, albeit that only lasted a few days, or maybe a week. i am not and have never been, however, a defeatist. i think that, if i really concentrate, i will probably be able to take control of my depression (or almost-depression, depending on how you look at it), and channel it into a more productive life. because i have extra time on my hands, i've concluded that this is now the perfect time to concentrate on aspects of my life to which i have not had time to attend during school. as i spent four years as a chronic insomniac due to stress, the absence of such stress has now presented the perfect time for me to polish up my life. i was happy to hear that my good friend nichole is doing the same. of the many things i would like to accomplish, here are a few short-term goals:
1) cultivate a more disciplined lifestyle
go to bed earlier and wake up earlier. this is hard for me, but i'm really trying. i don't like it when i lose a great deal of the day because i'm sleeping. i also am not fond of hangovers or a disorganized/dirty living space. i now rarely go to the bars with my friends because i prefer to have a quiet conversation over a cup of coffee or dinner. but i also acknowledge that everyone needs a release on occasion, so i don't condemn those who enjoy the bar scene more than i do. i'm slowly discovering that it requires a lot of discipline to maintain a tidy living space. while i can't control my roommates' living habits, i am making it a habit to keep my room exceptionally clean and organized. i make my bed much more often and am more deliberate about where i put paperwork and clothing. i have found that a tidier environment makes me a much more relaxed person, and has turned my room from a place to crash to a private haven.
2) deal with my acne
i'm 21, and i think my face is still far worse than it needs to be. while it's not severe enough to require acutaine or another harsh medication, it drives me crazy. i wash my pillowcases often, am disciplined about cleansing my face, and don't wear any heavy make-up, yet i still deal with break-outs. i've also realized that half my problem is simply scarring, but it makes my face look uneven, splotchy, and pubescent at best. my friend struggles far more than i do (she's turned to the 'taine), so i asked her for some advice. she recommended a few products to me, so i am hoping that some better make-up will give me a better complexion.
3) learn to cook
this is ridiculous. i've been living independently since i was 19. england. and while pasta and soup was acceptable there, it does not suffice here anymore. i'm tired of eating the same foods over and over with no tangible recipes in mind. i'm smart enough to know how to cook. so i bought myself a vegetarian cookbook, and i'm hoping that i'll be able to provide myself with more nutrients and variety.
4) improve my speech patterns
i have a degree in english. i know how to express myself, but i would like to be as articulate in person as i am on paper. paper is great because it is forgiving of pauses and omissions, while life is not. i use the words "like" and "um" far more than i should. so my first goal is to eradicate "like," and then move on to "um." i am speaking more slowly now, but i know that it takes practice. eventually, i think that i will be able to express myself with eloquence and speed, but it is going to be difficult for a while.
and finally...
5) lose a few pounds and stay in shape
it's self-explanatory, really. i'm not fat, but i know when my body isn't right. i would be extremely happy to lose 5 pounds or so. and i used to be competitive. it's weird not to be competing anymore, and i want to feel good about my fitness again.



on another topic...
for those who don't know, japan hasn't completely come through for me. this doesn't mean i'm not going, but it's also not absolute that i am. as a result, i'm looking into some other work options. let's face it: i'm about ready to bid the bux adieu. i'm attending some career fairs in my spare time, seeing if anything materializes. unfortunately/fortunately, i needed to do some shopping to find appropriate clothing. while it wasn't difficult to find clothes, since i do already have the necessary black skirt and tops are prolific, shoes were another story. all i wanted was plain black pumps. that's it! it's not hard! but there are no black pumps to be found anywhere. they're all peep toe. not quite professional, and we all know that styles come and go. peep-toes will be out soon, but most plain heels won't go out of style. i went to all the usual discount stores to find them: payless, target, ross. i did find some at target, but they had a bow, were already scuffed, and i didn't particularly care for them anyway.

then i gave dsw a try. for those who have never been, it's a store that sells designer items on a discounted price - a sort of shoe warehouse, if you will. i wandered through the numerous aisles of shoes: colored shoes, peep-toed shoes, strappy shoes, wedged shoes, thong shoes, open-toed shoes, close-toed shoes, ugly shoes... none of them particularly appealing because they were the wrong color or a far too casual style, until--
















there they were. the shoes for which i'd been searching. the shoes that had been eluding me for two weeks. who knew it would be so damn hard to find plain black pumps, no bows, no frills, no toes? and they were perfect. they were courtesy of none other than steve madden. okay, so they weren't $25 like the ones i found at target, but i see them as an investment. given that they'll never truly go out of style, they're extremely comfortable, they're versatile... good for the office or with a pair of jeans, and they're a better quality so they won't break down as quickly, i'll probably wear them several more years.

now that i've said these things, i think it would be a good time for me to gush about how much i love steve. i'm slowly starting to realize that it's one of my favorite shoe designers. steve's shoes are classic, sexy, and exceedingly comfortable. i always stop by the steve madden table when i'm shopping, if just to look, because i always love the simplicity and the sophistication of steve's designs. i, like any bargain-lovin' college student (or former college student) i know, can appreciate a cheap find. while i wouldn't include the shoes i bought in europe in the equation, i have been known to dance all night in my red wet seal peep-toe pumps to save a few (dozen) bucks.

nevertheless, a few months ago, i was fortunate enough to acquire these, also courtesy of steve.















so they were a bit of a splurge, but note the massive heel. 4 inches, people! yet they're so comfortable, i can wear them all day and still go dancing in them at night. my much less expensive shoes numbed my feet for days after merely one night out with the girls. but not these. these went all over houston with me, in and out of museums, and got numerous compliments in the process.

in short. i love shoes. i think european shoes are the best. but if europe is too far away, steve is pretty awesome, too, and i'd definitely wear them in europe. or asia, if that works out. or both, if life works out the way i hope.

not gonna lie...

"treat others as you want to be treated."
or so the saying goes.

i say that it didn't hurt, because it shouldn't have. i was purposely avoiding it. i pretend it didn't bother me. i feign to be more disdainful than i really am. i only smirk because i believe that everyone can see plainly that i'm merely pretending. it's an act, all of it. i act as if it's an inside joke only between you and me because we are the only people who know. you and me. you play along, because it's awkward. not just the kind of awkward that comes and goes because you and i come and go. the kind of awkward that you immediately want to obliterate because acknowledging it jeopardizes everything that comprises you and me. there can be no you and me, not even the simplest version of you and me, if that awkwardness seeps through. if it is remotely visible to those around us.

and i laugh, all the while hoping that i can control the spasms in my face long enough to make the obligatory eye contact with you, to force the smile out, when really, all i want to say is that you hurt my feelings. and i can hold that smile, if only for a fleeting instant - fortunately the only instant i need. but if i look at you longer than that, i know that you can see it. you can see my laughter metamorphose into vulnerability - the corners of my mouth twitching uncontrollably, the softening of my eyes from playful mockery to subtle dejection. if it's any longer than that moment. i may be blonde, or perhaps i was drunk, or maybe a few years of this has made me resilient or positive or hopeful, but i'm not indestructible. yet your eyes plead with me to be so, coax me to be so, manipulate me to be so, because, let's be reasonable, it wasn't long enough to hurt that much.

it is not, and has never been, as fine as we pretend it is. i know it, though i pretend i don't. and when you see my face after that short moment, that moment i can never seem to control, i think you know it, too.

i tell the truth here, to my non-existent blog-reader, because i otherwise lack the courage to say anything.

but i know, and now my blog knows, that it hurt. it really, deeply did.